I don't think that waking up is better
by ALightInTheDark12
Summary: If the small things that happen every day change the way we live, what if a blow to the head can change someone's life forever? AU. Spenson. Mason's POV. Details of the plot in each chapter.
1. I don't think that waking up is better

And yes, another story Spenson, one that will also become long, and with a little less of the kindly atmosphere that surrounded my other stories; I decided to go a bit into the 'dark side'.

Genres: tragedy, drama and romance (in the future).

Anyway, fav, follow or review, to know that I don't write entirely to the walls :) And remember, again, that English is not my first language.

* * *

 **I don't think that waking up is better**

A fall.

After a month I finally recovered my consciousness, that to hear people totally distraught for me, giving me for dead, trying to guess if my desire was to stay connected to the world with a machine or whether if I preferred to be free.

"Please, that's the kind of questions that you can't formulate" I remember that I said, while a nurse took off the bandage that covered my head.

I never thought that making one of the best things that have happened in my life, being a cheerleader for the Cheerios, would bring so disastrous consequences that one person could face after years enjoying of good health. I promised not to panic at the time because I wasn't even sure what was going on after a month of total unconsciousness, but then…

"After all the tests and studies that we are able to make we've come to one conclusion: its permanent blindness, the damage from the blow to the occipital cortex is irreversible".

The words of the medical diagnostics have always seemed to me the most aggressive, violent and heartless that can exist in the world, but they certainly are totally accurate, they are the ones that dictate the lifestyle that a person must follow from now on.

The damage in my skull wasn't that higher, the Cheerios insurance paid every penny of it, but only one thing was what they couldn't improve in any way, because they say that a thorough invasion and reconstruction in my brain could cause other damages that neither they could foresee.

Now I'm blind, and I would really have liked to be turned off from the machine. Knowing that I'll never see again what happens around me doesn't seem something nice. I don't think that waking up is better in something like this, but I have to face it. No matter how much it costs…


	2. I want

I know that the first chapter was very short, but it was just to give some context, the whole story starts from here. Leave fav, follow or review please, it helps me to know that you liked it and what you would like to have in the story :)

* * *

 **I want everything to go back the way it was**

Being aware of opening my eyes but couldn't see beyond simple and complete darkness seems to me the most terrifying feeling that can exist in the world. Getting out of bed and crawl across my room, throwing down everything I can in my way in search of the closet is part of my daily routine for two days.

When I finally arrive I'm guided by the feel of the soft white and red fabric of the uniform on the tips of my fingers, I smile with nostalgia and a tear rolls down my right eye. I'm not going to know more about it, but I want to keep feeling that I'm part of the team.

I put on the uniform again, I think that mom washed the blood after the accident, I go down the stairs with small, short steps, trying to make an effort to recall the number of steps that I used to give unconsciously to go to the kitchen, to move to the living room, in my own room; the old use of my sight for my daily life. I want my life back.

"Good morning, Mason" says Madison, completely shocked. Since I forbid her and our parents to treat me like an incapacitated for lifetime always that I achieve something as small like going down without rolling down the stairs it seems to them a record that deserves honorable mention.

I turn my head to the left and give her a smile, I extend my arms and find an empty chair, I sit and I feel one of her hands intertwining with mine on my left knee.

Just two days ago I was discharged from the hospital, I really expected from them to have a cure for my condition; there is none. The doctors suggested me to have rest for a while, but I feel good, as far as it can goes, and I'm not the kind of person who enjoys being bedridden and doing nothing, I need to move.

Breakfast remains silent, the only thing that can be heard are crashes of the cookware on the dishes, the aroma of coffee and hot chocolate, something burning on the stove and the crackle of toasts sprinkled with cinnamon that dad loves. I hate mornings have become something like this of horrible.

After about fifteen minutes in which I work only playing with my food, and devoted myself to growl whenever I can, Madison makes me to get up and climb quickly up the stairs to end our routines from each morning.

I remain standing at the sink, I look up and find only darkness, but I know that in the mirror in front of me is my reflection. I wonder what will change in me today, maybe I have dark circles in my eyes, sleeping has become something that I couldn't do, or maybe I have a flaw somewhere in my cheeks, it could even be in my nose. Or maybe, and it's the safest, is reflected the suffering that eats me up inside.

"Ready?" Madison asks, entering without notifying to the bathroom of my room.

"Whatever" I say, snorting and pushing away the hair that covers my forehead.

I don't understand why I want to return to McKinley, mom and dad said that they can get a very good tutor who works with… people with capabilities similar to mine. I think my desire to return varies a little in that I don't want to leave my fellow Cheerios, so to the few friends I've made in classes, and Madison says it would be a good idea to join New Directions, but right after of all this there isn't something that inspires me to sing.

Anyway, by the time I get in the car and it begins to move through the streets of Lima I prepare myself to not think about anything but the new darkness that surrounds me. Dad was going to teach me to drive next week, he'd promised it for months, and now I know I'll just enjoy the rides required in the back seat, sure that the look of Madison doesn't stop being over me.

"Stop it, now" I growl, and her gasp confirms my assumption.

"I… I don't… I wasn't…"

"Cut it out, will you? I'm still your brother, none of that has changed".

I listen her unbuckling her seatbelt, in two seconds she's placed beside me, taking my right hand and holding it. I loose a growl combined with a sigh and put my head on her shoulder, staring straight ahead without really doing it. I don't feel like if I really were the one who's going through all of this, it's more like some kind of bad joke. I want everything to go back the way it was, I beg it to you universe that's showing that you hate me.

I close my eyes and a little fatigue begins to take hold of me. The most I could sleep all night were about fifteen minutes, a couple of psychologists specialized in studies of sleep, with which I had to speak before I left the hospital, said that it's normal in people who goes through what I did. I got their numbers, and the first thing I did was to throw them to the trashcan. I don't need it, not them or anyone.

Madison sings a few verses of the song on the radio, I have no idea which one it is. I start to think about how the school may be now, the kind of new challenges that I'm about to face. Part of me would wish to not go back to McKinley, but I can't stay at home doing nothing, being the useless blind guy in which I'm afraid to become.

"Well, here we are" dad says, making a last maneuver and turning off the car.

"Are you sure about this, son?" mom asks. I look up and force myself to outline the most sincere smile that I can.

"Totally, I don't want to keep losing more school days".

"But…"

"Honey, you heard him, we can't force him" dad interrupts, but he's not quite sure about what he says.

I rub my eyes and open them, I take my backpack and wait for Madison to get out to follow her. The sunlight touch my skin, some birds pass over me and the sound of other cars also come to my ears. All these images are now being produced in my head through my imagination, but I don't remember that birds had such wings as silver as the metal. I have to control my imagination.

"So, let's go".

I take Madison from her right arm, doing that seems the strangest act in the world, because she's always who does it when we walk through the halls, or in the streets, even at home. I'm beginning to notice why the world considers us as weird, but I love my weird sister.

The piles of shoes squeaking on the floor, the doors of the lockers to be opened or closed, meaningless conversations conducted loudly, the aroma of the school. Ah, I've lost too much in the last month. I have to get it back.

"Okay… this is quite new…" Madison interrupts her words, I release my right hand and she makes me touch a little plaque on the wall nearby.

Signs… in braille. I haven't had enough time to learn it, because I don't want to learn it. Madison told me that I'm still able to write in a straight line, so taking notes will not be a problem, although I haven't finished listening to lots of words behind me.

"Do I have to be put more in evidence?" I growl through clenched teeth while Madison takes my left arm.

I move my right hand back and find the folding white cane that mom insisted on getting especially for me, which I haven't used since the first day she put it in my hands. If I swallow me pride at some point and stop trying to make a brave guy of myself then I'll also begin to use it.

"Later I'll help you to use the guide on the floor".

«Do it now, I don't want to keep relying on you to move», I say to myself, and I scold myself for being so arrogant in my thoughts. I'm not like that, I've never considered myself like that kind of person, but I can't help it.

We keep walking until she again stands still, I let go of her arm and stretch my hands, and we're standing in front of lockers. I stretch my hands again and put the combination, the lock opens at the first attempt, allowing me a small smile.

The door opens and a small cloud of dust adds to the list of proofs that I haven't been here in a while. I stop listening to Madison moving her stuff in her locker and in seconds she's in mine, pulling books and wrinkling scraps of paper.

"What are those?" I ask, putting my hands in my pockets and letting her to keep doing that.

"Notes, some of goodwill and others wondering where you've been all this time".

I start to think that perhaps not everyone knows what happened to me in one of the last games of the season before winter, or perhaps they simply forgot it and gave me up for dead. I scratch the back of my neck and put both hands on my nape, where there is this new and hideous bulge.

"Could you read any?" I arch an eyebrow and she makes a sound with her throat. "Please, I want to know who's interested in me".

I hear her snorting and extending a few pieces of paper, which in effect say what she just mentioned. Some have signatures, and Kitty is the only one who has been aware of what happened (sometimes I forget that she and Madison are so close friends that I feel a bit jealous) and she said that from now on she will call me 'little blind' or 'blindy' depending on her mood.

It's good that she said it, so I can bite my tongue every time I want to insult her by calling me that, because it's not something she should laugh of. Besides if I try to insult her she will be ready with an arsenal of new offenses with which my attempt to retaliate will be totally in vain.

"And finally… oh man… well… I don't think I should say this one out loud…" a nervous laugh comes out of her throat, forcing me to cross my arms.

"Read it" I order, but she just closes my locker and takes me by the arm, moving down the hall at full speed, she manages to dodge people, I hit them with my shoulders as we pass.

"No, no, it's late and you have to go to class".

"That can wait, I want you to tell me what was on that piece of paper".

She stops and before I can say anything I feel a push, followed by an insult that I'm not willing to repeat and a loud fall, that's accompanied by the books I held in my arms.

"How can there be people so clumsy in the universe" I hear him growling and standing up, I instantly shrug and take the cane out of my backpack. "Can you see where…?"

The voice is too deep, I heard him shouting orders in their practice and in the games, but I can't remember the name of the person to whom it belongs.

I forget the fear, I raised my eyebrows and a weird mixture of smile and sneer appears on my face. I wish I could see the expression of one of many star players that the team has this year, but because I can't I limit myself to enjoy his hesitation.

"You should be the one to see where you're going, butterfingers" Madison jumps on the defensive, but I could have come with other insults.

"I, I'm sorry, I didn't think… bah, forget all of this…"

The guy lifts my books, he hands them to me and walks away, I take Madison's right hand and she continues guiding me through the hallways, now somewhat empty. I guess the bell is about to ring, or many saw what just happened, one way or another I don't like the silence that just cause.

"I still want to know what was written on that paper" I insist, but the paper is in the hand that holds mine.

"Later I'll tell you".

Like if the universe conspired against me, and I know it does, the bell rings, Madison releases a huge sigh of relief and stops again, opening the door of one of the classrooms and letting me safely inside.

"I'll come back when the class finishes, okay?" I almost forget that Geography is one of the few classes that we don't have together.

"Here I'll stay" I answer with a rather offensive tone.

She stirs my hair and leaves, luckily enough she's clueless to notice that I took the note in her hand. I shrug my shoulders a bit and stretched my left hand a little, because I almost immediately bump into someone's arm.

"Oh, hello. I know this could sound weird but can you read this to me?" I squeeze the hand of the person, it's horrible not knowing who I'm trying to look into the eyes.

"Of course" luckily answers a girl, taking the piece of paper in my hand and unfolding it. "My name is Jane, by the way".

"Excuse my terrible manners, it's a pleasure. My name is Mason".

"Oh, so you're the guy who… well, the boy from the accident I heard" she sounds so sorry that I prefer to change the subject.

"The same" I smile, and I hear a slight chuckle from her part. "So…"

"Sure, the paper" her laughter fades more and more, until she stays in silence. "It says here…"

"All right, now you are in my class time" exclaims Miss Doosenbury in an authoritarian tone I had never heard before. Much can change in a month. "Well, well, it's nice to have you back with us, Mr. McCarthy".

"It's a great pleasure to be back from the dead".

The class laughs, but that doesn't stop me to shrug my shoulders and that I loathe them a bit, I don't want people to be aware of me, no matter what happened with me. Miss Doosenbury says that she received the notes from my parents, and a couple of girls behind me start laughing again, I don't see the humor on it.

I snort and bury my head in my arms, taking deep breaths to calm down my paranoid nerves. «Breathe and calm down, it's the first day of your new life, it couldn't be worse».

"The paper says, and I quote" Jane whispers in my ear, her closeness is so surprising that I almost jump to the next floor: "sorry, I never wanted to hurt you. I hope you can forgive me".

A shiver runs down my back, I shrug my shoulders more and close my eyes, feeling that the sleep begins to take hold of me, but more than a dream it's like if I were in a nightmare inside another one. I turn my head and I'm about to speak, but another whisper interrupts me.

"And it has no signature".


	3. Why me?

I thought that this story would be a little easier to write but, because indeed it's quite complicated, I decided to turn it into am AU in terms of story line, not the characters.

Remember that English is not my first language, but I'm working on my grammar and all that stuff. Tell me what do you think or just give me fav, follow or review :)

* * *

 **Why me?**

The last time I asked mom she told me that it was almost eleven o'clock. My stomach hurts, I haven't eaten since noon, but just knowing that someone is responsible for all this new situation makes me nauseous. I would say that my headache is also because of it, but I'm sure it's from the lack of sleep.

I fell asleep in class, and I woke up in the same classroom of the first period, and when Madison came looking for me she was surprised to see that Ms. Doosenbury was taking care of me. Another person to the list of people who feel that they should be aware of everything I do from now on.

I huff and cross my legs on the mattress, stretching my fingers to take another card, I roll my eyes and focus again.

«Come on, come on, it's just a bunch of dots on a piece of paper, you can learn them with your eyes closed»… great, now I make fun of my own condition.

Before I can focus on the small text that I have to practice a little, for not saying anything, that I've learned of braille my room door opens.

"Mason, mom says that you have to go to sleep… or at least try to" I hear her walking, and her extra weight on the mattress makes me roll my eyes again. "Dad says it's not good for you to fall asleep in class".

"Neither is good to hide things from your brother, and its worse that I had to resort to a complete stranger to know it".

She rises immediately I finish speaking, I hear her growling and closing the window, it's too hot to sleep with the window closed despite being midnight. She mumbles a few insults and growls softly, I can't help but smile for the new malice in me.

It has to go… sometime.

"I didn't tell you because I know you for a lifetime, and this is exactly what I wanted to avoid" she comes back to sit on the bed and removes the cards to hold my hands. "I don't want you to get obsess over this, Mason".

I release the grip of her hands and stand up, bumping into my nightstand and throwing everything that was in it; the glass of water that is usually filled now shatters, but I reach to jump to dodge the remains of glass.

"If there is a culprit of all this I want to know who it is, Madi" I whisper, walking over to the window to open it. I stand in front of it, feeling a cool breeze running through my feet.

"I know, but I know that it will not help you at all, except to hold a grudge for what happened to you".

She snorts and stands, I hear her picking up the pieces of glass and I refuse to answer her goodnight wish. She's right, partially, but it's just because knowing why now I'm not able to see nothing at all what guides me to become in the best detective in the universe.

There is a culprit, I have to find out who.

* * *

I don't remember very well the face of Ms. Bletheim, because I wasn't used to look for so long to the blackboard in Geometry class without my forehead starting hurting, but I don't remember that she was one of the teachers to put me so tense with just talking.

I'm sure that my notes from today suck more than the previous ones when I could see. Madison should be in this class with me, she would make it more pleasant, and surely she could understand the scribbles that I dare to call as letters.

I try to focus on the paper on the table, I can swear that it has mixed letters and numbers, equations results where they shouldn't be, and probably a piece of torn paper.

I don't want to use that stupid machine, I don't want to see myself as someone so weak, but at this moment is what I need mostly.

"Then" says Ms. Bletheim, and I'm pleased to know that I'm not the only one growling. "If we want to clear a second exponentiation we have to…".

I get lost in her words, I drop my head on the paper and close my eyes, drowsiness clouds immediately overtakes me, forcing me to put my arms over my head, a kind of refuge from the outside world. She also knows that I can fall asleep at any moment, like all of my teachers and classmates, and also I had the most horrible night in the world trying to guess who would be the person who did this to me.

Madison read me another piece of paper that appeared in my locker this morning, written in blue ink and with an almost perfect handwriting: _**Have you forgiven me?**_ There are so many possibilities for a culprit that any of them is more likely than the other, and this new message tells me that the responsible person wants an answer, perhaps later her or she would like to have some kind of meeting to clarify things. I hope that she's watching in front of my locker in case another message appears during school hours.

I had never thought about the fact that someone would hate me enough to hurt me this way, I'm a very nice guy with everyone, also Madison is the one who spokes by the two of us and it's she who sometimes gets me into trouble.

Perhaps this has been made to teach her a lesson, or maybe I'm just being paranoid about it, trying to blame people for things that have no rationale sense.

I yawn with my head still down, and I hadn't realized that I fall asleep until the moment I feel someone shaking my arm. Probably it's Ms. Bletheim, like Miss Doosenbury yesterday, but the insistence and lack of finesse tells me otherwise.

"Hey, wake up" a voice whispers.

I mutter under my breath and raise my head, opening my eyes to just waste energy blinking. Sometimes I wish not doing it, and there are periods of hours where I don't, but there are other times when I need to.

"Your class ended ten minutes ago".

"Really?" I ask, stretching out to take my backpack and my stuff.

"Yes, I found Ms. Bletheim down the hallway and she told me to come to wake you up" he says, and I can detect a sound of laughter in his voice. "I'm Alistair".

"Mason" I answer and leave the classroom, listening to the sound of the footsteps of Alistair following me; he shuffles and goes humming the national anthem while I stretch my index finger and I'm guided by it while I walk through the hallways.

"Why are you following me?" I turn on my heels.

"I don't know, I thought you'd need a little help for being blind" the laughter in his voice is still there.

"I don't need your help, also who told you that I'm blind?"

"Well, the fact that you couldn't manage to reach my face to look at me, and because I reached my hand out in the classroom and you never noticed its existence".

I shrug my shoulders and I'm finally worthy to take the cane from my backpack, extending it and finding the guide on the floor, but I can't find the plaque on the wall, so I just stand there, thinking that Alistair has a very good point in his favor.

"The clipboard still has that one blank about New Directions" he says out of the blue, "I thought about joining but I still think it's a place for losers…" I arch one eyebrow and give him a look of annoyance, "and you're going to audition for them, don't you?".

"Yes, thank you for mentioning it" I say, obvious discomfort in my voice while I turn on the guide and hasten my pace, but then I remember that I'm walking aimlessly and wait for him.

"I'm sorry, I didn't want to…".

"Stop it right there" says the annoying voice of Kitty, it's the first time I hear her since I came back, and I didn't think to wish not to do so. "If you stay along Stoner Brett you'll end up sniffing lines of sugar".

"It's the second time someone tells me that, I'm not Stoner Brett, my name is Alistair".

"I don't care, stay away" I hear her snorting and I imagine her rolling her eyes. "Blindy, Coach Washington says that she wants to see you immediately" Kitty says, and I look down, I'm sure she's still short of stature.

"That's somehow… cruel, don't you think?" Alistair whispers, standing beside me.

"Go on walking, Bukowski, I got him from here".

"I told you I'm not…".

Kitty hurries towards me and takes my hand, walking at a fast pace that I try to follow. I occasionally stumble and bump into many people, but that doesn't seem to stop Kitty, in fact I think I hear her laughing. She really is a cruel human being.

"Could you let me go?" I manage to stop with my feet and release my hand from her hold. "I pushed about fifteen people".

"So?" she asks, I can swear that she's pursing her lips, her favorite gesture.

"That not everyone enjoys making others suffer" I growl and roll my eyes.

"Fine, I'll do it only because I don't want you to cry and go running with Madison, she owes me a dinner at Breadstix".

I'm confused about that, because Madison has a policy against Breadstix, but I just nod with my head and one of her small arms intertwines with one of mine, we walk with a right step for me to remember a bit of how long the hallways are and how crowded a few are.

"Since when you and Madison became such good friends?" I ask when we start going down the stairs, she does it first.

"I don't know, your two faces inspired me too much of 'I have to protect this pair or they'll be eaten alive' the first time I saw you, so I decided to extend my protective wing over you".

"You call that a protective wing?" she pauses and chuckles, like me.

"On my own way, of course".

We keep walking without saying really much, she just asks me how I've done in just two days of being back to school, and four standing on my feet. My answers are conceivable: well and I hope to continue going forward.

Immediately I perceive the smell of chlorine and the sound of splashing, I almost forgot that the office of coach Washington was so close to the pool.

"I have to go back to class, are you going to be okay?" Kitty makes me to place my hand on the plaque with indications. It's still a bit confusing but I'm beginning to dominate this braille thing.

"Totally, now go".

She pinches my cheek, with how much I hate that people do that to me, and I hear her shoes walking in hasty step. If she hasn't grown in me I could hit her with the cane without hesitation.

I follow the directions of the plaque, moving forward on the overpasses and walking carefully when I'm passing through the huge puddles of water with chlorine, until I stay standing in front of a wide door fully open, inside I hear curses and whispers from the coach.

"… and I don't want to imagine what I'll tell to the cause of the whole budget of the Cheerios has gone straight to…" coach Washington keeps quiet, I guess she just noticed that I'm standing like an idiot listening.

"That reason is right here, coach" she hesitate a bit, like if she were trying to deny the fact that I just listen her blaming me for the decline in the budget.

"M-McCarthy…" she says, running out of breath. "Please, have a seat".

I don't know what makes her to do it, but she takes my left hand, the one that is not holding the cane, and she guides me to an empty chair. I extend my legs a little and strike her desk, I hear her muttering to herself while she moves around the office, throwing a couple of things down while she goes.

"First of all, and I think you've heard this so much and a lot lately, I want know how are you feeling" she says, her voice sounds closer now, I think she sits in front of me.

I force myself to smile cordially, just as I usually do for everyone, 'the ever-present smile', which has tended to disappear in the last couple of days. I wave my right hand in front of my face, doing that causes some discomfort in people, according to mom, but I keep half smiling while doing so.

"I guess I'm fine" I sigh quickly, shrugging slightly and nervously putting my hands on my knees. "Not the kind of life you wish you had from one day to the other, but I'm still standing".

"I'm glad to hear you're okay, but what I'm about to do is something that goes against everything in which mankind should believe".

A chill runs over my body when I hear the pity in her voice, my hands sweat and in my neck starts running a cold sweat; catastrophe.

"You're out of team" she snaps out, speaking in a tone so cold that for a second I remember myself in a stretcher on the hospital with my diagnosis being read aloud, "I need you to deliver your uniform and…".

"I'm not going to do it and you have no right to do that!" I stand up, hysterical, slamming my hands on her desk and clenching my teeth. "I've deserved being here so much for you to simply decide it's best to get rid of me!".

"Listen, it's not entirely my decision, but I only think about what Sue did with that little Becky girl" I relax my jaw, although I don't know that girl I know a little about it. "Sue let her to join the team for having Down syndrome, like her sister, but in the games she was devoted to cheer by her side, without even having a foot in the field".

I slump back in the chair, thinking that perhaps she's somehow right. I don't want the world to feel sorry for me, but neither I want to be ripped from the only place where I think I belong, where I can be with my sister out of school and where I can remember great moments. I don't want to get away from this…

"Is that what you want?" she asks, making me realize things. "Do you want to cheer in a corner? You want everyone to feel sorry for the Cheerio who was blinded and that's only in the team to don't make the others feel bad?".

I don't answer, I just stand up and walk blindly until I find an intersection of walls, I collapse there and start crying, folding my legs as much as I can to my chest. Between sobs I bite the inside of my cheeks, trying that the pain and the taste of my own blood makes me to wake up from this fucking nightmare. «Why me?».

"Hey, are you okay?" a new voice whispers, too close, a voice somehow deep but also a little sharp.

"I'm fine…" I reply, pulling my legs a little and facing to one of the walls, or at least I think I do.

"Are you sure?" he asks again, and this voice is fully known. It's the Spencer Porter's one, the hopeful guy who wishes to become the quarterback. "I can bring the coach, or the nurse, or I could…".

"I told you I'm fine!" I shout, desperate and eager for a crater to decide to open beneath me and take me to the center of the Earth.

Spencer hesitates but finally he decides to stay quiet. I don't remember him very well, because with the helmet and the few times I went through the locker were I never was able to see him closely, neither he nor three quarters of the team.

"Spencer, I'm fine, now leave me alone" I sip my nose but tears doesn't stop falling down my cheeks.

"How do you know my name?" he asks, and I hope that he realizes how much I appreciate the sudden change of subject. "And how is that I don't know yours?".

"I'm Mason, Mason McCarthy if you want accuracy" I growl and roll my eyes, "I know yours because…".

"I have to go!" he exclaims standing and running in a flash.

Before I can stop him I hear the voice of coach Washington down the hallway, walking and shouting that tomorrow morning she wants to see my uniform on her desk, regardless of any objections that I may put about it and that she doesn't care if I go to principal Sylvester to maintain my place in the squad.

I cover my ears with my hands and close my eyes, forcing my imagination to transport me to a better place, my favorite place in the world.

Ironically, my favorite place in the world is still as a Cheerio.


	4. All of that is fine

I know this chapter may seem a little boring, but I think it contains a couple of important things, also it was very helpful for me to ask myself some new things to keep it interesting. You know it, fav, follow or review of what you think would be great :)

* * *

 **All of that is… fine**

I've never experienced a hangover, probably because I've never felt so tempted to try alcohol, and on the few occasions when I do so I did it in small quantities, because I wouldn't like being one of those people that ends up in the most ridiculous videos on the Internet.

But from what I've heard I can assure that everything that I felt yesterday was similar sufferings. I didn't get out of bed, I wanted to rip off my head for the pain, I left the curtains drawn and I just wasn't in a mood for anything.

I'm not Cheerio anymore…

Could it…? No! The stupid universe is waiting for me to say that to come out with some new stupidity that exceed millions of times the previous one.

I'm pondering the words from coach Washington, which surely would still being alive in my head if I saw her yesterday, but it's a fortune that Madison has complied with the heartbreaking task of delivering my uniform. Coach is right, and I hate her for it, but I just want to be back on the field and cheer like if my life depended on it, encouraging the clumsy athletes and having a good time to get rid of the pressure of school.

"Mason, wake up" Madison whispers, opening the door of my room and entering with silent steps, like if she really believed that I could sleep.

"I don't want to get up" I snap, turning to give my back to the door.

"You've been lying there all day, you have to get up".

"I don't have a good reason to do so, also I'd rather like being here".

I hear that she runs the curtains, opening the window to let the annoying songs of birds to attack my eardrums, and also she pulls off my blankets from the feet. I cover myself with them up to my head and I hear her growling while she sits beside me.

"I seem to remember a Mason saying that he doesn't want to stay home being the useless blind…".

"Shut up now".

I take the blankets off, confident that they just get over her, and I sit on the mattress, stretching my back until a little of the laziness over me begins to disappear. My eyes hurt and I would like keep rubbing my face against the pillow, but I hate that Madison use my own words against me. Besides I need a shower.

"What time is it?" I ask when Madison finishes murmuring.

"Early enough for you to clean up and look kind of decent, for some weird reason you stink like a farm" I stretch my right arm backwards, hitting her waist and moving up until I reach her arm, that's when I give her a slight hit.

We both laugh softly and I stand while I hear Madison opening and closing my drawers, surely taking over the part where I shall be kind of decent enough to be in society, with how much I hate the world these days.

"I don't have much encouragement to return to McKinley anymore" I say, falling back on the mattress, willing to sink into my self-proclaimed misery.

"Of course you do, you have many reasons to return" her voice sounds in the distance and with echo, I guess that what she just choose is already waiting for me in the bathroom.

"It's easy for you to say, you're still wearing your uniform".

"And so what with that?" her weight returns to the mattress and she moves until she sits back next to me, holding my hand. "There are many other activities in which you can also fit in…" she gets lost in her thoughts, but I know what she means.

"New Directions?" I ask without actually caring, and she jumps in her place.

"Yes!" she claps and hugs me, moving away after two seconds when she doesn't get an answer, like I would have done in other situations where I really want physical-contact. "I talked with the directors, Kurt and Rachel, and they're very happy to know that we want to audition…" she gets lost again in her thoughts. "Also there are two guys in there, and they looked more than friendly".

"Who?" I ask, lifting my head in her direction, with some of very much interest about it.

"One of them is called Roderick" I stop to think about it, but no face seems to be associated with that name. "And another girl, I forget her name… Jane…?".

"Hayward?" I ask again, and right now I wish I hadn't.

"Tell me that what I see in your cheeks is not a blush".

I stand up and drag my feet until I reach the opposite wall, taking the doorknob and getting into the bathroom, locking it behind me to stop her for tormenting me in the shower.

"Mason and Jane sitting in a tree!" she shouts against the door, and before she can continue with that shameful song I open the door. "K-I-S…!".

"You should better go and make me some breakfast" I smile mischievously, but I don't know if I'm leading my eyes towards her, "be the kind sister that you've always been and I know you will remain being, or I'll tell Kitty that you murmur her name while you sleep".

Immediately she stays quiet, and the silence is like trying to tell me that I just hit straight on the target with something that was just a guess, but right now I know that my thoughts are not as stupid as they seem.

"That… that's not true" she hesitates a bit, and because I know her so well I know that now she has a nail between her teeth, nibbling it nervously.

"I have a recording, if you want…".

"Fine! I'll make your damn breakfast, but in the meantime take off the farm deodorant that you have over".

She goes giving loud stomps, but not before muttering a few insults and whip shut my door. I smile a little more and I get into the bathroom, putting the latch on the door because I don't want her to get in again and throw a glass of iced water on me while I shower.

I stand in front of the mirror, reaching out and I immediately touch the new clothes that I'll wear today. The feeling of the denim of the jeans and the cotton of the shirt between my fingers seems to be oblivious, it's almost like if it was the first time that I touch them; rough and smooth, wrinkle but adaptable to changes, new sensations added to those that I already experiment to keep thinking that I live in a dream.

"I only ask you one thing, sir universe who hates me" I whisper, and I feel like a nut to talk to myself in the safety of the doors of the bathroom: "the following things you stand in my way, make them easy to overcome. You incite me to give up and stop suffering through all of this".

And I still have to find out the culprit, but now it no longer seems to be my biggest goal to fulfill.

* * *

I remain standing up firmly, uncomfortable by the clothing and the heat of the day, feeling but at the same time unable to return the gazes focusing on me. I don't know what are they noticing, perhaps in the fact that I'm accompanied by a Cheerio, or that my outfit is probably not the best, or perhaps because the cane is in my hand; either way I don't like what's going on.

"Alright then, Jane, Roderick" Rachel says with evident joy reflected in her voice, "I hope you're as happy as Kurt and I are to know that we have more members who have decided to join us".

Madison takes me by the hand and we give two steps forward, I just smile even when I don't know who is watching. I hear a slight chuckle from Jane, the squealing of joy from Madison because she finally got to drag me into this, and the sound of silence from Roderick.

"Just… two?" asks a guy, who I guess is Roderick. He doesn't sounds petulant or obnoxious, he rather seems to be a little disappointed that only two people have answered the call of the totally new New Directions.

"There was another name on the list" another voice whispers, a little sharper than Roderick's. I guess that's Kurt, who takes a couple of sheets of paper and whispers as I think that he's reading them. "Yes, there's another name here, but I'm not surprised that he wasn't…".

"I'm sorry being late".

I raise my head immediately, so fast and so suddenly that some of the bones in my neck cracks.

I didn't thought I could hear that voice here, simply because he's a jock, and jocks don't bind to this kind of things that people like Madison and me pursue at all costs, but certainly hearing the voice of Spencer entering the choir room and with a somewhat hasty tone in it is one of those things that can turn a boring day into something quite interesting.

"Well, I guess it will not be only two, Roderick" Rachel spits and I can almost hear how she calls him stupid between the lines.

Rachel and Kurt begin to whisper behind me, I hear when Kurt settles himself on the piano keys I never knew that existed. Madison's hand squeezes mine and loses it, so then I can hear her voice chatting animatedly with Jane. I would approach to Roderick, if I knew exactly where to go and the precise dimensions of the choir room.

All I do is to puff, shrug and hold the cane tightly. I would like at least to see shadows, so that I could distinguish a little of what's around me and not being plunged into total darkness.

"Hey, I'm sorry I left you alone the other day" Spencer whispers, too close. I guess that he's just standing next to me. "I wanted to apologize yesterday, but I didn't see you in the whole day".

"I was at home, I didn't want to come" I snort, and a paranoid thought that Spencer watches everything I do is soon to appear in my head. "Not after the crappy day that I had".

"May I ask why?".

I don't answer, not because I don't want to, but because I don't want more people getting in my business. Madison, and some doctors, said that if I speak of what happened to me it would be a good way to adapt and realize the things that are happening and will happen from now on, but I'm reluctant to accept my fate is going to be this.

"All right, you don't have to say it if you don't want to".

And he stays quiet, I know he's still next to me because I can hear his breathing, but it's because I don't feel comfortable talking about my business with someone other than Madison, but even Jane was one of the few people who have heard me, and she always has something nice to say to me to not feel too bad.

"And what are you doing here?" I ask out of the blue, and just then I realize it's a question a little aggressive, so I clear my throat. "I mean, I didn't imagine someone like you in something like this".

"Someone like me? Have you seen me lately…?" he says, and his voice fades more and more. I roll my eyes slightly but for some unknown reason I can't help but smile. "Yeah… forget it. The point is that I got up with a mind to try new things, and this was the first thing that occurred to me".

I smile again and don't say anything again, but now I don't feel like if I were behaving badly with him, rather it seems like being one of the few conversations I have in which there doesn't seems that I hate everything that happens.

"Very well" Kurt says, and Madison returns next to me, she takes my hand and my smile widens a little more. "Rachel and I believe that this could be a good song we could all play right here, to listen to the new voices".

"Besides that a good group number always serves to consolidate what is necessary to begin to form a great team".

I hear Rachel delivering a few sheets of paper, and I don't know what banks her to give me a couple of them, which Madison removes quickly from my hands so I don't destroy them. I have to keep my inner psychic voice somewhat quieter.

Madison puts one of the terribly uncomfortable headphones of her cellphone in my ear and I guess that she goes to YouTube because she immediately puts the fragments of the song we'll play, the choir and other fragments of a stanza, which is divided with the others.

I've always liked and I always found it comforting to hear vintage songs, as vintage like our parents, but _Home_ , adding I've heard it lots of times before, has something specific that makes me feel relaxed, like if the lyrics were telling me I shouldn't give much importance to my condition, that wherever I feel at home whenever I have the right people around.

After a couple of minutes Madison moves away the headphones, and this time the chords of the guitar and the whistling sounds more detailed, I don't know who has started but now I realize that Rachel and Kurt can sing very well, but I still bear in mind what Kitty said about them imposing what they please. For now, and for me, that's fine.

Now listening to every word, every tone and every significance of that great song I can feel totally relaxed, loose, perhaps enough so that my voice can stand out from the chorus. Until we begin with the individual parts I realize I've been smiling at all times, a slight nudge in my ribs and Madison's hand intertwined with mine makes me feel better.

When the song ends I move off from my shoulders the idea that I have no reason to sing, the voices that will settle New Directions work and sound great, but I think I would give a little more work to Spencer's voice. Other than that I feel really happy to be here.

"Well, I think it only remains for me to say…" Kurt leaves half his speech, but he takes a deep breath.

"Welcome to New Directions!" Rachel and Kurt exclaim in unison, and that's enough for me.

For the others it's a sign for us to get together in the center of the choir room, in a circle, one of Madison's arms placed on my shoulders, and another arm of which I'm not very sure who it belongs too, and the hand at the end squeezes my shoulder gently.

"I can't believe that you would fall so easily in the game of New Directions" says a voice, the same evil voice that has been following me and Madison since we were accepted as Cheerios.

"Kitty" Kurt says, moving and causing the circle to split. "I thought you quit, but I'm glad you're here because…".

"I know what you're going to ask, and although I still believe that gay people should be successful in what they propose…" a throat clearing interrupts her.

"I don't know why I feel that as an indirect" Spencer growls, and now I know that it's he the one who's holding my shoulder, and also know that he's gay, a very interesting change in an athlete.

"Whatever" Kitty growl, I hear her walking with stomps, "I still think I shouldn't even set a foot here after all last year" she's quiet for a second, taking a deep breath to calm down. "But I must admit I miss it here, and it's much better knowing that at some point I can make fun of you: Fat Kid, Gay Boy, Creepy Incestuous Twins, Other Girl, but I'm also pleased that we will form a great team".

I'm still not used to the idea of her calling me so, and I guess Madison tolerates it because she's her friend, but for a girl who was transferred and another couple who has probably never had anything to do with her it certainly is something that they will not tolerate a lot, or I don't know.

However, I hear her joining and sighing when the group hug gets back, and I think we just recovered an important piece. I guess her experience, accompanied by a couple of insults from time to time, will serve to us to be amazing.

And it feels… well, I like being in a group hug, something totally different from what I was used in the Cheerios, but that certainly exceeds how good it feels. I think that finding a new group after being excluded from one is the best at what Madison could have dragged me into. The new sensations, the new relationships that there could be, knowing that I belong to something again… all of that is… fine.

"Oh, and by the way" Kitty says suddenly, causing the group hug to split once more. "I don't know why the hell but this appeared in my locker, I'll give it to Madison because Little Blind can't read it" I hear her chuckling while I roll my eyes.

I hear a few moves of a piece of paper traveling in the hands of Madison, I cling my hand to her shoulder and I guess she knows that I want her to read it aloud, even with everyone else here. Spencer's hand stops being supported on my shoulder, and now his arm is placed between us, trembling, and even I hear his feet drumming on the floor.

"It says" she breaths deeply, and right now I want her to stop it: "I can't keep going on with this, I have to face it. Monday at noon, I'll wait for you in the choir room".


	5. Not again

I've never before put suspense in my stories, or at least not one that even had me wanting more, I hope that it happens the same to you. Fav, follow or review if it's not too much to ask, enjoy it :)

* * *

 **Not again…**

"Let me get this straight" Kitty says, with something more in her voice than tiredness. I think I could say that she's really concerned, or at least interested in all of this. "You say that there is someone out there leaving notes in your locker that's probably who did to you… that?".

"If you say it like that it sounds stupid, and somewhat irrational".

I sigh and roll my eyes, rubbing my cheeks and guiding my hands to my eyes to try to move away the sleep that comes over me. Out of the window comes sunlight in, Madison forced me to be there because she says I haven't had a lot of sunlight in my body, besides it helps me to kind of know the time of day.

It has been two days since the note appeared Kitty's locker, and since then I have slept less (if that's humanly possible) besides dealing with lots of questions that have arisen since then it's not something I enjoy a lot. «Why me…?».

"I'm surprised you've detached from my protective wing, is he always like that?" Kitty says the latest to someone who's beside her, I guess its Madison.

"In the last couple of days, yeah" she answers, sighing and I guess that she's shrugging.

"But its nonsense" growls Roderick, and I think it's the first time I hear him talk after being almost all day in the living room of my house. "I mean, and pardon the expression, but you don't have the face of an asshole bastard, why would anyone want to hurt you? I don't think it was intentional".

Moment of silence, one in which I think back to my list of possible culprits, but with the ideas of Kitty and Roderick now everything seems to lose a bit of consistency, that if it had it. Jane's hand is placed over my right shoulder (she has been beside me since we arrived) and I guide one of my hands until I place it over hers, turning my head and giving her a small smile, which I know is being matched but I'll never be able to see.

"I agree with Roderick…" Spencer whispers, but is a comment that dies between the lots of debate that arises because of the ideas of Roderick.

I'm not a bad person, I've never been a bad person, I have always gone to the words, actions and ideas of Madison, and I rarely see myself in the obligation of having to say something about it.

"Isn't supposed that New Directions should unite us to know our strengths and weaknesses with songs expressing them, and not to pretend to be cops?" I ask, but when I hear silence and feel their eyes on me I shrug.

"Don't you think this is a little more important?" Kitty growls, and I hear her snorting.

Madison assumed that I would be the one that got obsessed with this, but I'm in a middle line between putting an end to my quest to find a culprit and stop it because I don't see the point and the laziness fills me to continue. Anyway, now I know that I will not leave anyone satisfied.

"I say we leave everything for the peace" Spencer says aloud, and I know that the glares are on him, even mine. Sometimes I wonder how people around me are, besides Kitty and Madison. "Anyway, whoever it was who did this will come forward on Monday, and then you'll see…".

Again it comes out of his hands a comment that I will be able to see, but it's not the second one. Since yesterday we talked in the hallways a few escaped from him, and I couldn't help but feel something strange about it, perhaps because I simply don't get used to the idea of that.

"I think I should better go".

And, like if it was a collective thought, everyone stands up, including Jane, which forces her to remove her hand from my shoulder. A small sigh escapes from my chest without my permission, and I hope that only Madison has been able to see it.

"Well, then I guess we will work with the song later, right?" I ask, but the confirmations made with their throats leaves more than clear that my idea has been put on a 'we shall see'.

This is just the kind of thing I wanted to avoid, other people worrying about things that should only concern to me. Kitty shouldn't read the paper in first place neither aloud nor with all the new and improved New Directions there, now I even get calls from Kurt asking me if everything is alright!

"I'm exhausted" Madison says between a grunt and a sigh, I guess she just stretch.

"I need something to eat, and then we can continue with the reasons why 'insert your name here' hates our beloved Blindy".

"I heard you" I snort, stretching my legs and standing up.

"That was the idea, Blindy".

I roll my eyes and start walking with my arms stretched, avoiding throwing down mom's favorite lamp, dad's record collection or the blown glass vase that Madison made a couple of years ago, and when I get to the stairs I hear a deafening laugh from the kitchen.

I don't like when Kitty stays here, she and Madison are very noisy at night, and that's the only reason why I would like that the doors of our bedrooms weren't contiguous. If it's not for some romantic movie is because they find a bug in the bathroom, or because they're dedicated to call the guys of the team only to annoy them, also sometimes they sing.

Although the worst is that Kitty always finds a cruel way to wake me up; I still have chills from the day she woke me up with a bucket of iced water on my face, and I remember the devilish grin of Madison while she was holding the video camera.

I close the door and put the latch, I crawl to bed and throw myself on the mattress with the smell of cleaned quilts. I rub my nose against the pillowcase and let my stomach to growl loudly, I'm so exhausted that I didn't even worry about not having eaten anything.

Only three thoughts are in my head while I close my eyes: Monday. Noon. Everything will be over.

* * *

"Are you sure about this?" the question from all morning long from Madison has been drilling my head since we arrived.

"Yeah, I'm sure".

We keep walking through the corridors to reach the choir room, the guide on the floor is not full support, and there has been more than once times that there are people placed on the plaques of the walls, so I trust more in the supporting from Madison to move.

Yes, there's a part in my head that's eager to know the culprit, or at least I want to be able to listen to one miserable voice and try to find a match, but… on the other hand…

I hate that Madison has made such a question in first place, because the other part, the one that wants to send to hell the whole thing is also playing an important role, and right now there is a struggle without truce or quarter in my head to determinate what's a good idea and what's not. Whatever it is, I have about ten minutes to decide, noon is approaching.

"I don't know why I keep thinking that this is a bad idea" she says, opening a door and letting me to walk in first.

"I don't want that your ideas mix with mine, thanks".

She grunts and takes me with a little more force than necessary by the arm, making me stumble a bit but managing to stay upright but in the end she forces me to sit down in one of the uncomfortable chairs of the choir room.

"I have Algebra right now, are you sure…?" I roll my eyes but I can't help but smile. My sister is the best.

"Yeah, Madison, I'll be fine, now go before it's too late for you".

She pinches my cheek and tousles my hair before turning on her heels and leave the room, leaving me with the company of my loneliness and the cane, with which I only dedicate myself to roll in my hands before the bell of the class change makes me to jump. «Great, it's time…».

I force myself to not bite my nails while I wait, but anxiety and nervousness are killing me. It's a weird feeling, it's like to meet a famous person intermingled with the hatred that I have to the culprit.

Although… can you hate someone you don't know? Is that possible?

The screech of a pair of shoes stops my thoughts, I raise my head and I can feel the slightly tense atmosphere, like if a cloud of fear and anxiety from both parts places on my judgment.

"Hi" I force a smile to appear, but the steps keeps moving. "Hey" I say, now in response the steps stops, but the hasty breathing accelerates a little more. "Hey, it's okay, let's talk".

There's silence in the room, outside I hear lots of lively conversations, people walking with fast and steady pace. Behind me I can hear how the foliage from the threes moves with the wind, a slight breeze blows in here and gives me chills.

"Listen, I know that you didn't want to do this on purpose, but I'd really like…".

I stop listening the breathing, the most noticeable thing now is the choppy from mine. I stand up, stretching the cane and before I can take a step the person hits a shelf, throwing what was above to the floor, even something made of glass shatters.

"I know you're there!" I say, dropping and clinging to my place, clenching my jaw and huffing aloud.

I stay quiet again, and I listen again the fast breathing, the attempts for moving with cracking bones and some words murmured, that I don't achieve to decipher completely.

"No" I listen in a whisper, so low that I can't even distinguish the voice of a guy or a girl.

And then the steps rushes, the screeches come running at full speed, I almost stumble with the cane but I manage to stand up and run to the door frame.

"Come back here!" I shout, but I know it's an attempt in vain. The loud conversations silences immediately that my desperate shout fills the hallway, I shrug and start walking.

"Yeah?" Spencer asks, shuffling and with a sigh.

"What?" I arch an eyebrow, shakily holding the cane.

"What?" he asks again, and now I grunt hard and roll my eyes, although he's not the one to blame.

"What are you doing here?" I fold the cane and I put it back into the pocket of my backpack, I cross my arms and I shrug a little more, if that's possible.

"You told me to come back, so here I am" I don't know why I think there's a smile on his face, and if it is then I'm sure I could punch him to move it off. "What do you need?".

"There was someone here, he… or she, I'm not sure, but there was someone. The culprit" someone would surely think that I'm crazy for thinking that way.

"Who? Alistair?" my hands tremble just like my jaw, I lose my balance and one of Spencer's hands holds me firmly and gently from my left arm. "Wait, you don't believe it was him, do you?".

"He was here, the hour and day were written in the note. It was he!".

I let go of his grip and I start walking, bumping and stumbling from time to time with everyone who's around me. I hear Spencer calling me, telling me to stop, but at this very moment there is only one thing on my mind: find Alistair… and… I don't know what will happen after that.

I stop when my lungs asks for a little more of the necessary oxygen, it's horrible that I has lost the physical condition I'd achieved after a couple of months as a Cheerio. That has to come back in some way, I can't be exhausted so quickly.

"Mason!" Spencer's voice shouts aloud. "You were about to roll down the stairs, what's wrong with you?" he takes from both of my arms, and I'm not sure who's the one that's trembling.

"I have to find him, he needs to know what I have to say about it!" I try to let go but his hands holds their grip. I wince in pain because he reaches the nerves and he releases me immediately.

"Alistair was there looking for Rachel and Kurt because he wants to audition, I know that because I found him in the hallway" I release a long sigh, but I don't stop having my guard up, although I've never met Alistair in person. "He said that he run away because you started yelling at him".

I wrap myself in my own arms, walking a few steps and finding a wall, I give it a punch and then I let my head on it, thinking that again my new abnormal standardized way to control my emotions took possession of me.

"You swear it?" I say without moving my head.

"I assure you completely" one of his hands places on my right shoulder, I move it and make him to take it away. "Why is this so important to you?"

I listen him placing beside me, he breathes a sigh I don't know why. I turn my head and I'm not sure what am I supposed to be watching, but for some reason I also breathe a sigh.

"If I'm honest with you, I don't have the faintest idea" I hear him chuckling, and a small smile appears on my face. "It's just that…".

"Guys, what's up?" I turn my head to the opposite way, in the direction of Jane's voice. I move my head from the wall and I lean on it, crossing my arms, like if I had been there in the most casual way I know.

"Nothing, I was about to go for lunch, do you want to come?" I ask, in response she intertwines her arm with mine. Being so close to her I perceive the scent of a perfume, a scent so sweet that I can't help but smiling.

"You two go, I was about to hit the gym when you interrupted me" Spencer tickles my waist, and it's impossible to me not to laugh, also I can't help but notice a change in his voice.

"All right, see you later" I yawn and rub my eyes with my free hand, I hope that at some point I can get my sleep rhythms back.

Jane turns around and we start going down the steps, one by one, slowly, and I don't finish supporting my right foot on the next floor when her cell phone starts ringing. She releases our linked arms and I hear her muttering while she pulls out her cell phone from her backpack.

"Hi? Oh, hello Madison" I shrug, because I can hear the voice of concern from my sister. "Yeah, he's here with me. Is something wrong?".

Jane moves a couple of steps away, I force myself to not move and intrude on the conversation she's having on the phone. I could guess what this is all about because it's a call from Madison, but the seriousness that flooded her voice doesn't give me many clues.

"Well, I'll tell him, see you later" Jane sighs and makes a clicking sound with her tongue after almost a minute of call.

"What happens?" I say, still shrugged.

"Madison said that she received a text message from Kitty, something about a computer-written note which appeared in her locker" my throat compresses slightly.

"And did she tell you what was written?" I don't know how my ribs aren't broken for being shrugged for so long.

"I can't get close to that bad mood you have, I'll move aside and I'll tell you everything when I know that you can take it easy" the nasal voice from Kitty that comes behind me makes me to turn over my heels in a second. "I really don't like any of this, Blindy".

More notes, more waiting time, a person hide… not again…


	6. I don't want him to go

I was thinking and I realized that the story was going a little too slow, so I'll take a little time jump to reach more interesting parts of the history. Fav, follow or review please, enjoy it :)

* * *

 **I don't want him to go**

" _ **Y**_ ou were so close, but you had your cranky explosion".

" _ **I**_ t's better that I keep my distance, for your sake".

" _ **D**_ on't judge for the first thing you hear, you keep blaming people who didn't even knew of your existence".

" _ **A**_ nd if we pretend that I never sent that first message and you never get it? It would be easier for everyone".

" _ **I**_ care about you so much I can assure you that you will be destroyed when you know it".

I think that's the most relevant and what can best describe the way in which the culprit has been hiding for a whole damn month, and I'm ninety-five percent about to fuck off this whole thing. I know I'll never find it out, even if I try to show myself relaxed, calm and serene it will always going to find a reason to not come forward.

But I'm being observed, and that doesn't have that kind of calm.

I reach out my hand and I lean it against the window glass, the cold that comes into contact with it runs through my body at the speed of light, I shrug and my teeth chatters like never before. The patter of the raindrops hitting the glass and filling the whole house with an exquisite aroma of damp earth is one of the best smells I've had the opportunity to perceive.

I've always considered myself as a worshiper for the cold just as much as the humid climates, the feeling of being wrapped in coats, scarves, beanies and gloves is amazing, also those are the few occasions when I can stay at home doing nothing.

"Alright, I'm about to leave" Madison says, zipping up her coat. I force myself to move away my hand with a sigh and I grope walk my way to the doorway of my room.

I make a motion with my hand for her to walk, she doubts with her throat but still she starts walking while I'm at her heels, stretching my little finger of my right hand and sliding it down the wall until we go down the stairs and she stops once more.

When she opens the front door I can hear more clearly the rain falling, the thunders in the distance and the smell of the earth. I wish I could see it all of that again.

"Are you sure that you can stay here alone?" I cross my arms and roll my eyes. It's the twentieth time when she asks me that.

"I told you so, I've been alone in this house plenty of times" I shrug and raise an eyebrow.

"Yes, but before you weren't…" she sounded sure at the beginning of her sentence, but realizing that I arch my eyebrow a little more every time she speaks she decides to stay quiet. "Let's say I worry about the safety of my little brother".

"Whatever you say, now let's pretend I didn't hear your comment and return to the part where you were about to leave" I reach out my hands and fortunately I achieve to touch her shoulders, I make her to turn on her heels, pushing her to leave.

"Mason! I worry that someone can get into the house and stab you in the back" she says with a laugh, but I can't help but feel a little frightened by that possibility. "It could also be that whoever the culprit is enters in the house without you noticing".

"I hope it's a pretty girl" I wink, and she gives me a gentle slap along with a sound of indignation.

"It could be a guy, any of us know anything about it".

"It would be a shame, I don't play for that team" I laugh softly, but she doesn't react in the same way.

"I know, but it never hurts to have many possibilities in mind".

I roll my eyes again and I lean in the doorway, listening her typing on her phone and opening an umbrella. I would be worry if she go out with the rain and in a car, but she's only going to The Lima Bean with the whole squad to hang out, to which I was invited by absolutely everyone of them, but there are so many things that I've missed by not being there that I already think that is not a place to where I belong.

"You still can put on something decent and join me" she invites me with a very cordial tone in her voice, and I'm almost about to access.

"And miss all my little books in braille and spend all day stuck at home?" she snorts, but I hope she knows that I'm joking. "No thanks, I'd rather stay here, I can also imagine what happens in the T.V. shows".

"Don't say afterwards that I didn't invite you" she kisses on the cheek and stirs my hair, then I hear her footsteps receding down the road that connects with the sidewalk.

I breathe a sigh and I swallow my spirits again for joining her and the squad.

I close the door and I'm guided by my right little finger to reach the living room, probably mom and dad would be watching some reality show or some other random program if they weren't walking in the downtown, like if Lima were a place where you really could have an attractive tour, or for those who inhabit the town.

I could almost say that I know everybody, here is a so small and bland place that it almost gives me a headache.

I fumble find the little book, because mom listened to me to not move it from its place, I sink into the couch and settling a pillow under my lower back while I return to my reading of The Little Prince. I never before had the opportunity to read it, but in my mind to improve my reading in braille and screw it with how difficult it may become mathematical equations with small and annoying dots I would rather do something I like more.

I love it, it's such a deep history that it's amazing that it's a children's story. The fantasy in it, the messages it transmits, even the illustrations are something that never ceases to amaze me with each page that I finish, even when I occasionally have to resort to the support cards with each of the letters in the reading system which I already dominate by eighty percent.

" _ **The**_ fifth planet was very strange. It was the smallest of all. There was just enough room on it for a street lamp and a lamplighter. The little prince was not able to reach any explanation of the use of a street lamp and a lamplighter, somewhere in the heavens, on a planet which had no people, and not one house. But he said to himself…"

My stomach growl makes me have to split from the interesting paragraph and lift myself towards the kitchen, dragging my feet and opening the cupboards along with the fridge to end up with the nut cookies and the little drink of milk that I found.

I hope the pizza that Madison ordered arrives soon, that little snack will not have my stomach entertained for too long.

I return to the living room and settle on my place, but before I can even find the row in which I was a loud banging on the door made me jump and get up immediately. Surely Madison forgot something in her room, or this will be like a scene from _Scream_ and I will end up with a knife in my throat and strangled with my own bowels.

I growl and remain motionless for a few seconds, long enough to the knocks on the door to become louder and more insistent. I force myself to get up and shuffle.

"I heard you the first twenty times, Madison" I snort and finally open the door, rolling my eyes but smiling at the end. "If you forgot something you just had to say it and…".

"Madison?" Spencer's voice asks.

I stand in the doorway and stop moving my eyes, I breathe a sigh even when it rather sounds like a snort. The next time I open the door I'll wait for the other person to speak first.

"I cross paths with her just a few streets back, do you need me to bring her back?" I roll my eyes and now I'm crossing my arms, snorting up and moving a little the hair covering my forehead.

"No thanks, it's the first time I'm alone after the accident" I don't like to call it that, I prefer to call it 'awful experience of a lifetime'. "What are you doing here anyway?".

"You see, I was in the gym beating my own record in weightlifting when the rain started, dad took my car and I have to walk back, but the rain decided to get crazy".

"It's not a so harsh rain" and it's when the universe steps against me. The sound of rain intensifies, the thunders resonates and causes the glasses from the door and windows to shake. "Well, thanks universe. It became clear that you are against me".

"Did you say something?" Spencer asks, I thought I had kept it for me.

"Nothing, I said nothing".

The strong wind blowing brings a little dew from the rain, it hits my cheeks and I cross my arms to keep some warmth in my body. I hear Spencer's teeth chattering and making noises in his throat, like if he really were dying of cold.

"Uh, can I come in?" I detect a bit of shaming in his voice. I don't know why I think that he's scratching his nape. "I just shower at the gym and I'm freezing out here, also I don't want to have hypothermia".

«No you can't. Turn around and walk away, I want to be alone».

"Of course, come in".

«Dammit!».

I move aside to let him in, he drops something heavy and bulky near the front door. I close the door with my foot and put my finger in the wall, without any concern of what is he doing and where.

"Why are you alone?" he asks, his voice sounds near the couch in which I just settle down.

"Can't I?" a voice inside my head tells me that I shouldn't behave like that, he's a surprise guest. Although I don't think it's a voice, it's my self who used to be friendly with everyone who's drowning in my hatred for everything.

"I just wanted to…".

"I know, sorry" I take a deep breathe and try to calm down my sudden bad humor. "Madison goes to hang out with the squad, and my parents are traveling in the downtown".

"Isn't Lima too boring for that sort of thing?" I laugh softly, and I let the smile to stay on my face. Spencer drops in the couch at a considerable distance between us, a space that he knows that I like to keep with most people.

"What's this?" I hear sheets of paper, but I'm not sure if it is the book or one of the magazines that are on the coffee table. "Oh, sure. It looks like a book but it has small dots".

"It's a book, a tale if you want precision".

"And why it doesn't have any letters?" I clear my throat and I hear his movements in the couch, he settles like if he suddenly felt uncomfortable.

"Because I can't read them?" I raise both of my hands and I don't know how to describe the grimace that appears on my face, either way it's not even for my liking. Note: I should have to quit making people being uncomfortable, at least to him.

"Someday I'll get used to all of this, I swear I will" something weird floods his voice.

I keep hearing him changing the sheets of the book, the whispers escaping his lips confirms that he doesn't have the slightest idea of what's in the paper, but he describes what he can see with the images.

"The Little Prince?" I nod, and he does it with his throat. "It's amazing, don't… you think…?" he asks between yawns, and his attempt to talk makes a giggle to escape from my chest.

"Too much, I think it's the best book I've read so far, although the repertoire for books in Braille is not so large to look too closely at it".

"I suppose there must be more interesting books for guys like you" something grows inside my chest and gets stuck in my throat. "Anyway, in which part of the story you stayed?".

"I was reading when he reaches the fifth planet until I got hungry, and then you came".

"Then I can only tell you that what follows will be just as great that the beginning" a small laugh accompanies his sentence, and I know that he's smiling because of it. I would like to know how his face looks like when he smiles.

"I'll continue it when you go" a resounding thunder makes me to jump close to him, moving to the left and almost falling on top of him.

"If you want it then I can go, I don't want to be a reason that bothers you" he gets up, and I'll call reflects the fact that my right hand places in his leg, causing him to sit again.

"Don't go" I contract my fingers and pull my hand away when whatever that was in my throat gets a little more annoying. "I don't want to imagine myself being in a corner if one of those thunders fall so close" to accompany that last thing the doorbell fills the silence that was in the house, "besides the pizza has just arrived".

"I think it's just my lucky day" we both release small giggles while we stand.

«And mine too». I bite my tongue at that thought.

"Can you get it? There's money in my room, I'll go get something to drink".

"I'll pay, you have enough with me here by surprise, you just take care to seek the drinks" he takes me by the shoulders and makes me to turn on my heels.

A strange tingle runs down my spine, and while I walk I realize that I'm smiling.

When I reach the kitchen I take two glasses and two plates from the cupboard over the stove, I also take the half-finished bottle of soda that lives at the bottom of the fridge, the one that Madison believes that I don't know its existence.

I go back to the living room lifting my feet slightly more than it's required, although I've been walking here too many times today to know that there isn't and there will not be an obstacle in the middle of my way. I don't finish dropping myself on the couch when Spencer does it first.

"I just get a free pizza, that's the advantage that the deliverer is your neighbor" he removes the things I was holding in my hands and he lefts them on the table in front of us. When he opens the box and the aroma of melted cheese with pepperoni and meatballs floods the house we both sigh at the same time.

"I thought that you had flirted with him, although it would be very interesting what Alistair would say about it" a laugh mixed with his mouthful makes him to start chocking. The hits tell me that he's beating his chest.

"Alistair…?" he takes deep breaths, the gas coming out of the bottle now tells me that he just give it a huge drink to recover his life. "Do you also think that I'm dating him?".

"You don't?" I reach out to grab a plate, but he anticipates me. He takes my hand gently, his is a little rough, placing in it an empty plate, making that my hand shake a little.

"Of course not!" he moves his hand and I stop biting my cheek, thing I didn't knew I was doing. "Don't misunderstand me, he's a very cute guy, talented and all those things, but he's not my kind of guy".

I give a bite to my favorite pizza, to which I have been deprived for months thanks to the strict diet from coach Washington to keep the squad fit and ready to keep winning championships and have the name of McKinley in high.

"And you? I've seen how you blush and shrug your shoulders when Jane is around" he speaks with his mouth full, and although I haven't swallowed my first bite I don't mind doing the same.

"Am I that obvious?" a pained chuckle comes out of my throat.

"Totally, but I must tell you that that red tone looks good in your pale skin" «wait a minute, was that a compliment?».

"I think that I have to work with that, at least for me to not be so obvious".

"Or maybe you should write her a love letter, like if we were little kids. I don't know if she would get used to read dots, because I understand nothing of your book".

"It's the simplest thing that may have been in the world" I reach out my left hand and I find the alphabet cards. "Take this, perhaps with this you can learn a little of it".

"Great, I'll have something more interesting to learn in addition to listen to the boring conversations of the club, and also the voices of Kurt and Rachel makes me sleepy" he says while he takes the cards.

"Hey!" I give him a punch on the arm, and I didn't expect to hit something so strong and muscled. "It's an amazing place, I love being there".

"I'll give you the right just because I'm having a great day with you".

I remain quiet for a moment, before he asks me if he can turn on the television, and the first thing I hear is the annoying and amazing voice from SpongeBob.

I know it may be something just too young for our age, but c'mon, IT'S SpongeBob. The nonsenses that he always faces become a little more interesting every time, and also with that tie and his geek style of the sixties makes him someone so classy to the end.

The pizza disappears in ten minutes or so, in commercials I can hear his yawning increasingly strong, he even gets up and turns over the table to not fall asleep, but there comes a point where his head is leaning on my shoulder. I never realized that the distance between us was gone.

I move my right arm to the back of the couch and take the blanket that is always there when someone falls asleep, which always happens because the couches are very spongy. I extend it over us and that makes Spencer to snuggle with me a little more, his head is completely attached to my neck and his short hair tickles me.

For every second I stay still the drowsiness goes up through my body. I have no idea what time it is, and that's the least of my worries now, now there is something odd about the kind of freedoms that Spencer is taking with me, while it's also weird that I don't put up the same kind of walls that I stand on the other people. I only behave in such a free way with mom and dad, Madison and Jane, and now him.

I close my eyes and a last thought, perhaps not entirely coherent or fitting with me, arises in the depths of my imagination: I don't want him to go, Spencer has to stay with me, no matter what that means.


	7. Maybe

Okay, a new chapter. I was in the need to include this couple for the future ideas in my head, but only for a while. Fav, follow or review please, to see you liked the small and short change in the plot.

* * *

 **Maybe**

I firmly stand at the open door of my locker, taking deep breaths while I rock on my heels and try to think of things that can distract me from the duet that I had with Jane a couple of weeks ago along with each and every thing that mingles in my stomach as the memories of our voices together in the group numbers reappear in my memory.

I bite my tongue and sigh as I slide the tip of the right index finger on the backs of the books, preparing for the next period of classes. Again I have to thank Myron the request that he made to his uncle for all the help he's giving to the school, and with that he improves a bit which represents having to shuffle to another kind of horrible day of school.

The only thing that I'm waiting for now are the winter holidays.

"What are you doing standing there, Blindy?" Kitty's voice on my right almost makes me jump inside the locker.

"Geez, Kitty! Could you warn me the next time you come closer? So then you're not going to scare my heart out of me" I say, trying to keep to a minimum the terror that gripped from me.

"I'll try, but I don't guarantee you anything" her hand finds my right cheek, and she shakes like if she were holding a baby's one. "Moreover you didn't answer my question, what are you doing here alone? I remember you that there is someone out there leaving weird messages" I snort and turn my head to where I remember it was her height.

"I haven't heard anything about it in a while, so I'm making to the idea that anything of that is ever going to happen again".

She nods with her throat while I'm still taking and settling for sizes everything of what's inside, to spare time and waiting for her to think that what I do is boring enough to leave.

But the insistence of her stomps on the floor and the moans that she makes beside me forces me to lift my head, like if some kind of holly sign were thinking to help me.

"I'm waiting for Jane to come, I told her I want to see her here before the next period".

"I knew it!" she says, in an extremely triumphantly tone. "I knew that those hollow looks that you were trying to send to her weren't only in my imagination".

I laugh just because an obligation, but again it's evidenced how comfortable and ease I feel beside Jane. Spencer was the first one to make it clear, and I can still remember the nice nap I took with my head on his a few days ago.

"It's weird, you know? My imagination isn't yet used to the idea that an ex-Cheerio wants to go out with the girl transferred from Dalton".

I stay quiet for a minute, returning my head to the front, where I'm supposed to see the photos when I was a cheerleader, the books and the small pieces of paper with notes written on it.

That thought has crossed my mind a few times, and I find it like one of those clichés that everyone would want to flee, but that certainly would give much to talk about for some time, with speculation and all those things that make the gossips bigger.

"I think that…".

"We'll talk later, your lady's coming" and before leaving she pinches both of my cheeks simultaneously. I grimace of disgust and she releases after about ten seconds.

I pretend that the last minute of my life never happened and I stand as stiff as a soldier, listening to the rhythmic footsteps getting closer.

"I'm sorry for the delay, I needed to go to the cafeteria because if I didn't my stomach would end up devouring itself".

"And I had in mind to invite you lunch" her hand places in my right arm, I try to not jump to the next floor. I must get used that people will come closer without warning.

"Are you serious?" she asks with a bit of sadness reflected in her voice. I worry for showing her a sincere smile.

"Yes, but that can be replaced if you go out with me tonight" I say even if it sounds like an order. I clear my throat when I don't hear her answer. "Breadstix at eight?"

"Sounds great. Breadstix at eight will be".

She comes closer, another of those moments when people decides to invade my living space by any means, and she kisses me. Her lips rests against my right cheek, she smiles as she stays there while I feel the ground beneath me simply just disappears, for now it's all about her and me.

After what seems millennials she moves away, at some point one of her hands found one of mine, the two of us are shaking a little and our fingers are slightly entwined.

"Jane" I say, and I start thinking about how she will take my request.

"Yes, Mason?" something new fills her voice. I can compare it with the way in which Spencer talks to me.

"C-could I touch your face?" I swallow the lump that's forming in my throat, and I want to think that it's only me who became tense. "D-don't get me wrong, I-I would like to know how you are".

"Oh sure, I understand" she sighs in a fast way, I can hear her in the frighteningly silent that the hallway is. "Go ahead".

I split our hands and I stretch mine shakily towards her face, but I'm not sure where it is. She seems to notice it because she finishes placing them gently on her cheeks, a nervous laugh escapes from my chest.

Madison told me that Jane is an Afro-American girl: dark brown skin, curly hair and brown eyes, but I never imagined that her face had such a lovely oval shape, or that her cheekbones were so highlighted.

Now I just know that she's smiling, like me.

"You are…" and yes, in an attack of the fate against me the bell for the change of period interrupts us.

I take the books that were leaning on the locker door and close it with a whip, Jane takes my right arm and we both walk to Geography. The day must be over now, I'm expected for one of the dates that I most longed for a lifetime in total singleness thanks to Madison.

* * *

Walking alone through the streets of Lima, the only thing that had gave mom and dad lack of sleep, to what they fear the most that I do without the company of someone close, but right now they have no choice. They two are working while Madison is in practice with the cheerleaders.

It's a fortune that she forced me to not take the bus back and walk instead, for so I know roughly how many steps I have to take to get home.

"Fifty-eight. Fifty-nine. Sixty" I whisper, stopping to hear the sound of the cars before crossing the street. There are none.

The sound of the stick hitting the pavement and the next sidewalk is the only music that can accompany my way, that and the cars, the birds and the wind that blows from time to time.

"One. Two. Three. Four. Five" I start whispering again, avoiding the sidewalk cracks and rocks that occasionally makes me lose my balance.

I make an incredible effort for the newly discovered face of Jane to not caress my fingertips, and I also prefer not to think that today I'll have a date with her, and her smile…

I'd love to be the one who picks her up at her home, that of having to travel to Breadstix to go with the guy who asked you out should be done against nature and carved in gold letters on a huge book about dating.

"Thirty-four. No, thirty-two? Thirty-three?" I swallow hard another lump in my throat, I can't lose the count, that's the only way in which I can get home. "Thirty… damn! Where was I?!".

"Thirty-four" says a voice about four or five steps away. "You stayed in thirty-four" the voice says again, and it takes me a second to realize that the one talking is Spencer. "Hey, Mason".

"Are you following me?" I question, terrified of being stalked, relieved to know the number of steps I took, and flattered by his concern.

I'll strike out that last one.

"No, I live near here" he answers, like if it was the most obvious thing in the universe.

"Of course not, you live on the other side of McKinley" I shrug when I hear him moving forward.

"My home is in this direction, or well… kind of" he chuckles. I stop putting pressure on the cane and my shoulders relax.

"Explain yourself" the order is accompanied by a slight growl, which probably looks in a worst way if I roll my eyes and shake my head. «You promised to not behave like that with him».

"I live two blocks away, but I saw you walking alone and I wanted to know where you were going" again he talks like if it was the most obvious thing in the world. I roll my eyes again.

"Then you are following me" I cross my arms, now I groan with complete freedom, I even snort to move away the hair covering my forehead.

"Partially I do it because I care if you get lost or something, and I wouldn't do it and let you get lost like you almost do".

He places his hand on my shoulder, but because his comment was a low blow I move my shoulder, but he doesn't understand my signal for him to stop touching me, so I growl louder and hit the ground next to me with the cane. Now his hand shakes, but doesn't let go of me.

"I don't need more people prying into my life, I can take care of myself".

"Oh yeah, of course you can" he answers, with sarcasm in his voice.

"Just watch me".

I let go of his grip and turn on my heels, I walk briskly and the first thing I do is crashing hopelessly against a light pole. My nose is the first thing that founds it, followed by my forehead and the rest of my body; the worst part is not the hit, or the sound of the rumbling metal towards the silence, the worst is that Spencer tries to contain his laughter.

"Are you… are you okay…?" he asks between abnormal breaths.

"Fuck it!" I shout from the bottom of my throat, I take off my backpack from my shoulders and throw it against the pole, followed by a couple of kicks and punches.

The metal sound reverberating encourages me to continue with my little fit of rage.

"I hate light poles! I hate McKinley! I hate Lima! I hate the whole universe!" I take a deep breath, taking the pole with my nails. "I HATE WHO DID THIS TO ME!"

And I collapse, I let myself fall on my knees while I try to hold on to the metal of the pole, sobbing and feeling my throat scratchy for the sudden screams. I give a few last hits to the pole before wrapping myself in my own arms, placing my forehead against the metal that not long ago was painted in black.

"Mason, calm down" he whispers, kneeling beside me. In his first attempt to place his hand on my shoulder I move him away, but in the second I let him, even I put my head on his shoulder. "I'm sorry I laughed, okay? I'm really sorry".

"That's okay" I say, choking back the tears threatening to leave. I haven't shed a tear about my new blindness since the beginning, and I will not do it now, and less in front of him. "Surely I would have done the same".

We're silent for a few minutes while a debate takes place in my head. I don't know if I would like the kind of speculation that there might be if any of the neighbors see us this way, but at the same time I care very little what they can say. On the other hand, I need his company, I need to know that there are people on the lookout for me, although I hate it.

"Could you take me home?" I sigh slowly and purse my lips a little, a gesture that only my family has been able to see when I want to get something.

"Oh Mason, I can't say no to that face" so I smile of triumph.

We get up and I get over the small span of sentimentality, I keep the cane in my backpack and take his right arm above the elbow. He chuckles, I indicate him that he have to tell me all obstacles that may be in the way, and with a 'yeah' coming out of his mouth we began to walk.

"And how was your day?" I ask to remove the silence that were trying to lay down on us.

"Nothing new, same boring stuff. I fell asleep in Spanish and in my study time, also I raise my voice a little in Literature" he laughs again, like if he remember that as an achievement. "Ah, also I got an A on a test of Trigonometry" and he remains silent.

"Oh-oh, did the aspiring quarterback is a mathlete?" I give him a playful nudge in the ribs, which he responds jabbing my nose with his fingernails.

"I hope you don't say a word about it or you will sleep with the fishes. A crack" he stops a little, just enough so I can stretch my foot and jump it. "Better tell me: how true it is that Jane and you were kissing in the hallway?"

I stop at the second, nearly tripping over the sidewalk raised by the root of a huge tree, the Smith's house. We are a couple of houses so I can rest a bit before the exciting night.

"Who told you that?" I ask. «Note: do not socialize in the hallways, rumors can run very fast».

"It wasn't Kitty, neither Madison, nor Alistair" I make an evil grin.

"I knew you had something with him" I laugh with the every intention of being cruel with him. This time I can afford it.

"I'm not dating him! I'll force him to say it out loud, I don't want that rumor to also reach unwanted ears. Street cross" he stops and a couple of engines from a few cars confirm the new obstacle. "But you didn't answer, so I guess…".

"No, I wasn't kissing Jane. I invited her to go out to Breadstix tonight, and as a good friend you have to help me to choose my outfit" I take back the part where I knew her face. I don't think that he wants to know so much information.

"Do you think that for the fact that I'm gay I'll know something about fashion?" he questions, totally offended, while we keep walking.

"Uh, yes?" his answer is another jab at my nose.

"You're wrong, I don't know anything about it. That kind of information belongs to the kind of gay guys like Kurt".

I pause while he stands in front of me to do it again, this time I purse my lips a little more while I also low my eyebrows another bit.

"Oh no, this time is not going to work".

"Please?" he whistles and gives stomps in place. I don't know how he expects me to know his reactions, or the kind of things I should know.

"I'll do what I can" I take back his arm and we continue walking.

With his support, adding that Madison is going to come home late, my date surely will be much better than I have planned, and within what I can do.

* * *

"Then the guy says to his friend: it could be worse. His friend asks: how? To which he replies: simple, my skirt could not merge at all with the color of my nails".

Jane laughs, the sound coming from her throat is almost as harmonious as her singing, and I can imagine how good that laugh would look like. The night has being perfect, I've behave like a gentleman; I've flattered her, I've being polite, I behaved like the Mason I've always been.

I need my sight back, I'm missing out on too much. Also I need to be myself again, even I miss me.

"It's without a doubt the best joke I've ever heard in my life" she says between small laughter and deep breaths.

I place my cheek on my left hand, thinking how much I'd like to have her face in my hands, and my lips against hers. This thing that I feel is so sudden that I wouldn't know if there is a way to count it, neither how much it could last.

"How do you feel?" she asks after she finishes laughing, employing a more serious tone than the one I'm used to listen when she talks.

"Fine, I suppose. Or I didn't understand your question?" I laugh, and then her hand finds with which I have free.

"I mean your life how it is now. Do you feel good as it is?".

I close the fist from the hand that she's holding, but I don't move it. It's the kind of thing that I like to avoid in a conversation, but her concern makes me want to talk about everything and burst into tears, show how vulnerable I can become even if I try to hide in my shell of rudeness, the one that doesn't fits me too well.

"I haven't received messages anymore, neither I have sent Madison to watch my locker if the culprit appears" I sigh, opening my hand back to her slender fingers to entwine with mine. "I think I've lost interest in finding it" I say, sounding as honest as I'm able to. "But enough about that, I prefer to continue hearing all about you while we're eating a dessert, is that okay?".

"That sounds incredible" I know that she's smiling.

I snap my fingers a few times, the required for a waitress to come towards us, and for the lacking of aroma of perfume I know that this isn't the girl who has been serving us all night.

"Could you tell us the dessert menu, please?" I smile, and I hear that Jane sighs.

"We recently added to the menu a vanilla cake with strawberry slices above, it could well be enjoyed with such a cute girl like the one who's accompanying you tonight" «I'd love to see her», "in addition that the milkshakes to accompany it would be perfect".

"That sounds good, we want two".

"Make it seven" says the pitch voice of Kitty, "and bring more of those cakes too".

"Because we are a team and we will win at Sectionals!" exclaims the deep voice of Alistair. «We are?».

In response to my question, each and every one of the familiar voices that make up New Directions meets at our table, some greet me with open palms and the girls greet Jane with kisses on the cheeks. The only voice I don't achieve to hear is that of Myron, but I'm not surprised because he's a child, and children of his age have an hour to go to bed.

But that's the least important thing, I whistle three low notes and Madison responds taking my hand and taking me away from the table just a second.

"What are you all doing here?" I clench my jaw while I destroy a paper napkin with both of my hands. "You knew that I'd be here with Jane".

"That's what I said to Kitty, but then she said that an impromptu hanging out to Breadstix would be amazing".

"She can be so…" I'm interrupted by a throat clearing.

"Alright people, and because I want to do it before we get dessert, New Directions selfie!" Kitty shouts, to which everyone gathers together in one place, like if indeed we were going to fit in the small restaurant tables.

I roll my eyes and snort heartily, causing that everyone also growl loud. Surely I ruined the picture, and I don't care doing so.

"You know something?" Spencer whispers in my right ear, I shrug and a loose a nervous laugh. I don't like completely that someone approaches to me so suddenly. "No one will kill you if you smile, it looks good if you do it".

"Head forward and up, Blindy!".

His arm places on my shoulders, and before I outline a genuine smile and hear the sound of Kitty's cellphone taking the picture I detect that in my cheeks runs a blush as greater than the one I experienced when Jane kissed my cheek…

And all because of the words of Spencer…

Could it be that I…? No, of course not.

Or… maybe, just maybe, he's the culprit of the blush.


	8. I'm confused

Just to say that this chapter will be another little Jane and Mason, but all that will end in the next one. Fav, follow or review :)

* * *

 **I'm… confused**

I move in my bed, uncomfortable and heated although the winter is about to start, turning and doing a totally huge mess with the sheets that tangles with my legs and feet. I embrace the pillow and choke grunts in it, listening to the cry of my stomach to be fed.

I have to stop getting angry for little things with mom and dad, thanks to that I go to bed without dinner.

Finally I give up and get out of the bed, shuffling and leading myself with my little fingers of both of my hands to move through the corridor, the stairs, the living room and finally the kitchen.

I stretch my hands and find the fridge, I open the big door and the cold air coming out serves to fresh me up. If I were a girl I will think that I'm half of my period or something for those heats.

I remove the lids and open the containers, taking out a couple of veggies (previously cut for me to not slice a finger in another attempt to use a knife) with everything needed to prepare a huge sandwich.

While I move into the kitchen counter, smearing mayonnaise and mustard on the bread, I start to think about a few things, the kind of things that I don't usually think very often because of the frustration that produces my limitations.

Only one, or rather two, are persisting: Jane and Spencer.

Jane is the kind of relationship, friendly or romantic, that I'd always like to have. Someone with who I can be close, intimate, with whom I can open up and tell all my experiences, most of the things that are mixed in my head, to hasty conclusions that sometimes I get, and even ask questions that I wouldn't ask to anyone, not even my own sister.

All that I also share it with Spencer, but there's something a little more restraining in that, like a barrier which I have no clue which side is the harder difficult one to be seen. I like that he talks to me in a human tone, that he appears from nowhere in the hallways to accompany me in the change of classes, but there is something that I don't totally like at all when we're alone. I guess the proximity will remain being a problem, at least with me, also adding that I don't share the same preferences like him. I want to think that's the primary reason for the wall to be there.

I like being hidden in my walls, being me the solely responsible when it comes to tasks. I hate that people helps me, I've always done, perhaps because I have lived a little behind Madison and all the cares that she gives me, which I'm sure I would continue receiving from her part if mom and dad didn't have to watch for me if I roll down the stairs, if I nearly amputate one of my fingers trying to use knives, of any other of my new problems.

I sigh up and a bit of my hair gets in my right eye, but the itching doesn't last long. While I move it away I start thinking about how complicated human relationships can be, how difficult it is for them to be formed, how easy they can be destroyed, how much it costs to guide a couple of things to something that the result are fruitful, and the catastrophe it may mean that everything screws up.

I leave a mess in the kitchen counter and put the sandwich on a plate, I take it and turn on the kitchen door to go upstairs.

"Get out of my house or I'll call the police!"

Madison's voice makes me jump of Olympic proportions, like those of cats on Internet videos that I used to watch from time to time to satisfy my boredom. But the blow that goes straight to my head almost makes me drop my precious dinner, so I cling to the plate and with my free hand I cover the top of my head, to prevent another blow.

"What the hell was that?!" I exclaim, clenching my jaw and thinking about things that distracts me to not hit her and drop punches until I hit one of them.

"What the hell are you doing awake at four of the morning?!" she shouts, surely waving her arms and looking at me with that look of hate content that I haven't seen in a while.

"In which universe do you think that a plastic baseball bat will help you to stop a thief?!" I hit the wall next to me, thinking that I'd never told her that that bat was under my bed.

We both snort hard, like a competition to see who can do it louder. I also think that I shouldn't told the location of the bat, she used to torment me with it when she had the opportunity; then comes the part where I realize I should say to myself it was stupid to try to defend with that thing against a thief.

"We both have stupid ideas often!" I'm about to answer when a door, up the stairs, bursts open.

"Mason, Madison, shut up and go to bed immediately!"

We both stay in absolute silence at the voice of mom, we wait a couple of seconds until we hear the door of her room closing with more force than the necessary. I don't know why she complains, since Madison and I were young she has spent sleepless nights, a couple more will not do much damage.

Madison takes my hand and she makes me walk, the change from the carpet in the living room to the spotlessly clean white tiles that I feel on my feet tells me that we have just returned to the kitchen, more precisely, and because she pushes me, to the seats of the kitchen counter.

"Did you have to make so much noise for a sandwich?" as response I bite it, listening to the crust crunching a bit like the lettuce leaves.

A simple sandwich tastes like glory after so long without being feed.

"I had to, I couldn't sleep" I give it another bite, as big and I take a couple of seconds in chewing and swallowing. "Did I really wake you up?".

I listen her standing up and walking to the refrigerator, she takes out something and gives it like four huge gulps. She just drank straight from the bottle of milk, and I tend to be scolded for doing so.

"You shouldn't do that" I say half bite. She answers me with a sound made with her throat and she sips again.

I'm quiet, looking more at nothing while now I give small and human bites to my sandwich, thinking back on all the things that seems to be a mess so far, of which I would have being released off if I had accepted a personal and specialized tutor in guys like me.

What I feel for the people now? Now I'm not sure what direction I should take with my personal relationships, and perhaps that's why I enjoy people to do little things that makes me react quite differently. Or maybe I'm going crazy, and now the blow from Madison could aggravate my condition.

I don't know why I'm still thinking that my blindness is like amnesia, and that with a good blow struck in the same area I could recover my formerly good and needed sight.

My life could regain the path it had before!

Only if all of that were so simple.

"What are you thinking about?" she asks at a very short distance, I listen her sitting in front of me and she stretches a hand wo entwine it with my left.

I bite my lip with a little force, not enough for there to be a wound, but enough to rise a bit of concern in anyone. That and, if I used to avoid eye contact a little, I'm now concentrating only on the night robbery that lies in front of me.

"Mason?" her right hand lifts my chin, but I give her a weak smile. Why do I suddenly feel so sad? "What's going on?".

I let the smile to stay on my face, but that doesn't stop me to move my eyes off from wherever it was located and a sigh escapes without my permission. I turn away a little from her, crossing my arms on the counter and resting my chin on them. «What's going on with me? I felt wonderful just a second ago, and this time I'm not playing».

"I'm…".

My voice is lost even within my own throat. I want to know the face of Spencer, I want to spend time with Jane. I want both things, I want that and so much more, but if I don't even know what I want at this moment it would be like throwing a stone into a wishing well, and want something anyway.

"Mason, what…?".

"I'm… confused".

Confusion. A word that can mean many things, something like want, love, joy, despair, fear; all those words that can be used to cover a huge range of sensations.

"Confused" she inquires, I answer nodding with my head still on my arms. "Confused about what?".

I sigh again, a question that I hadn't thought off.

"I don't know, I just think I just get in a trouble without end".

If what happens in my head could materialize, if it could take any form, it would be something like the Escher's stair along with each and every one of the steps that are needed to take to get to a site that may not be the best.

"Is all of this because of Jane?" I turn my head so that my chin is on my forearms. I shrug my shoulders and cock a smile.

"Jane, my sight, New Directions, our year at McKinley, the terrifying college applications, that to name a few things".

Me hiding at home would have been a way out? Does being isolated from everything that could go from not having returned to McKinley would have been the solution? Part of me wouldn't stop calling me a coward, chicken, jerk who prefers to flee rather than confront things.

I would be comfortable with all those things, but only for a short period of time, I would have to contradict myself at some point.

"Can I ask you something?" I say out of nowhere, and I think I caught her trying to sleep, because I listen to her making a kind of snoring.

"Whatever you want, just say so".

I bite the tip of my tongue, thinking that maybe I'm extrapolating and exaggerating the things about Spencer. I've never had that kind of feelings with a guy because I don't tend to be surrounded by many, I was a Cheerio and I spent every second of every day with her, I wasn't used to be close to the team.

"Let's suppose that one day Kitty tries to get too close to you, asking you out and trying to spend so much time as it can be possible with you" «just like she does whenever it's possible». "If you suspect that her actions have a kind of ulterior motive, would you let her to continue?".

"What do you mean exactly when you say 'ulterior motives'?" I scratch the back of my right ear.

"I don't know, assuming that she wants to try something" she denies with her throat, although I think I'm really not implying myself. Either that or she's only pretending. "If you thought that Kitty wants to get a relationship with you, would you let her?".

Yes, I have to work on my examples, but indeed I thought I was pretty obvious in the approach of the situation. I turn to scratch behind my right ear while her silence serves as a form of prior response.

"Are you trying to tell me something specific?" I shake my head no hardly on the spot.

"No, no, I'm just supposing".

She makes a sound in her throat, she's meditating my approach while she yawns and stretches, I hear the cracks of some of her bones and the sigh of relief.

"I don't know, I guess not" I open my eyes, somewhat shocked. "Kitty is a cute girl, who can be a bitch when she proposes it, but I guess if she tries that with me, if she shows me a different treatment and she makes me feel that I'm really special for her then I will not hesitate to give it a chance".

I don't say anything, I just get up and go up to my room, leaving Madison, and half of my sandwich, alone in the kitchen. I suddenly lost my appetite.

I walk into my room and shut the door behind me gently, I slip between the sheets and tiredness comes over me in seconds, I close my eyelids to sleep another hour at most, before having to get ready for another bright day of school. Geez, neither in my imagination I can sound sarcastic.

Madison said that because Kitty is her best friend, she knows her and knows in which moments she can be nice and when a soulless witch; she knows her, so she can answer that.

I can't react the same way to Spencer and whatever he awakes in me when he's close. Also, if I put in a balance comfort, confidence, friendship time, kind of talk, all of that, the balance will tilt towards Jane.

The wall with Spencer should stay there, even when I feel terribly bad about it.

* * *

"I know what you're going through" says the squeaky voice of Myron while supposedly he accompanies me through the hallways, but it rather seems that he's dragging me, "one of my cousins is also blind, he fell from a second floor, and fortunately he wasn't paralyzed or anything, although yes with a horrible bulge on the back of his head".

As a reflex my hand goes to my nape, where the doctors had to open the scalp to rebuild that fractured part of my body. The area where there were stitches is almost imperceptible, but the bulge is something noticeable.

"It's why my uncle implemented everything necessary so that you could stay here for a more entertaining way, but lacks a bit of style to these metal plaques" he pauses, I guess we're near one. "Some color could do no wrong".

I roll my eyes and keep walking at the mercy of the wishes of Myron, his tiny being can move seamlessly between people, while I, as always, have to hit shoulders, arms, hips, legs and feet, apologizing every time that happens.

"Well, we got to my classroom" I sigh of relief, his monologue was about to make me shout. "You should come with me more often".

"You bet on it" I smile to him, I almost feel like I was carrying a child to school, one in which he doesn't belong for any humanly possible reason.

I turn on my heels and walk towards the Geography classroom trying to pass as unnoticed as possible, which would be an absolute achievement if the tip of the cane didn't make that noise when it hit the guide on the floor. I shrug and try to follow a straight line, avoiding the usual whispers about that I'm not a Cheerio anymore and the blindness.

As much as I try it seems that those are the only words I perceive between the whispers, and more than once I thought of using earplugs while walking, but if currently I didn't hear the voice of Spencer calling me then surely I wouldn't have prevented to hit a guy with the cane on the shin.

"Do you think that for being disabled you can do whatever the hell you want?" the voice is very deep, which tells me about a guy who should triple my height and musculature, maybe a senior, and he's ready to beat me up.

"You said it, he's disabled, so excuse him for that accident, it falls on me if something like that happens again".

"Though we're teammates, and if your friend here again commits another of those nonsenses, I'll beat you up, Porter".

And the big guy goes up giving loud stomping, yelling at people I doubt he knows and surely leaving a trail of terror in his way. When Spencer's hand places on my shoulder I can easily breathe, the lump in my throat disappears and a sweltering heat comes over my cheeks.

«The wall, the wall».

"Yeah you know how to make friends" he says, a few centimeters away from my right ear. I shrug.

"I guess he wasn't the one to talk about video games and any other nonsense" he chuckles, I accompany him in his gesture.

"Will I be the one?" he asks, and I stand firm, frozen. Another question that I didn't expect.

I just smile to him and grab his right forearm, I guess he understands what I mean and where I want to get because he begins to walk, moving away the people that stands in our way.

I like walking without any human hindrances here and there.

"We're here" he says, hitting the locker that is in front of us.

"Thanks" I say, stretching my hands and feeling the metal surface until I approach to the lock. That's when he stops and moves my hands gently away.

"What's the combination?" he makes the question in the most friendly tone that anyone with little time to know each can use, something that doesn't bother me at all.

"2-21-8" the response is automatic, but I stretch my hands again when I remember that the lock has been changed, he interposes his body and my hands touches his waist, I contract them at the moment and the sweltering heat takes possession of me again. "The lock has the numbers in braille, Spencer".

"I already know, I've been practicing".

I'm quiet, listening to the rattle of the lock when it turns to succeed in the combination. Practicing? Practicing for what? The blind in question it's me, and I still have problems with reading the damned little dots.

"P-practicing?" I bite my lower lip hard to not stutter.

"Yeah, with that card you gave me. I don't understand how you don't get frustrated after a while trying to figure out what they say".

"It's a matter of getting used" small drops of sweat run behind my neck and slide down my back, a silly grin betrays me right now.

"I'll keep practicing then" to complement the response I hear that the little hinges of the door squeaks, he achieved it. "Your locker is open, Mr. McCarthy" he pronounces my last name slowly, and I think it's the first time I hear him saying it. I like how it sounds when it comes from his voice.

"I really appreciate it" my left hand finds his right wrist, and instead of guiding it straight up above I slide it down the length of his arm. He's strong, muscular, and very soft.

I turn away and bury my head in the locker, hoping that the tingling still being in my fingertips stop and to no longer feel the heartbeat in my ears.

"Besides being your servant to open lockers" his voice achieves the opposite to reassure me, "I wanted to… well, I wanted to invite you to…".

I turn my head to the right, the point where his voice comes from, and I get to remember that I had never heard him nervous.

"This is something n-new for me, that's why I'm a l-little nervous" I reach out my hand and place it on his shoulder in the first attempt. I smile on my achievement, and I hope to be able to reassure him.

"Say it and done" we both chuckle, I move away my hand and I work to get out the books that I need for the last period of the day.

"Would you like to go out with me?".

I don't know whether to call it a panic state of mind or shaming to my reaction, but I almost could have climbed up inside the locker and hide there for days, instead a kind of reflection kick collides against the lockers beneath mine as my nails embeds in the back of the huge book of Literature.

"Oh, I think I didn't say it right" «and you just notice that I don't know how to react well to that sort of thing». "There will be a party on Friday night, and I was wondering if you would like to go with me".

I make sounds with my throat, between humming and pretending that I'm thinking about what he just said.

"I would like to, but on Friday I planned a movie marathon with Madison, and…".

"No, it's not true, Madison is going out with me on Friday" says Kitty when she walks by our side, and if I had perceived before her evil presence I would have put my foot on her way.

A strange weight places on my shoulders as I retake my work with the books and feel Spencer's penetrating gaze on me, quiet, like if he were studying everything that I'm doing. Stop watching me!

After five very long minutes I close the locker door and turn on my left flank, the tips of my shoes clash with his, I discreetly move half a step back.

"Listen, it's not that I want to go out with you" «cool Mason, make a half decent lie. Idiot». "I like to spend Friday at home, alone and in my room".

"Yeah, I get it" his voice… again it's filled with something I don't want to put a name on. For now I'll call it… disappointment. "It will be in another time, what do you say?" I smile to him, though I don't know if that can remedy what I just did.

"Of course".

"It could even be at your place, another pizza day" he gives me a friendly blow on the right arm, although the way in which he speaks hasn't changed in the least. «Stop acting like an idiot!».

"Any day that you show up as a surprise guest" he chuckles, patting me over the right shoulder and leaving.

My hand travels to where his was, and it almost seems that I can feel is still there, warm and somewhat rough. I wish that his hand would continue being there, although my side of the wall is slowly crumbling.

"Mason!" I erase the expression that I had and crack a small smile when I hear the hurried footsteps of Jane.

I need to know what I want.

"Hi, Jane" I don't lose the smile, it even widens a little more when I perceive the scent of her perfume a feet away from me.

"I'm glad to find you, I wanted to know if you would like to go out with me this Friday night?".

The same feelings, the same state of panic comes over me, even a little more than with Spencer. I contract my fingers and toes, I refuse to shout with emotion, although there's some shaming to know that she asked me out.

"Sounds good, where are we going?".

"One of my neighbors was invited to The Lima Bean for a Dalton boy but she said that she doesn't want to go alone, so I thought that you would be my best option after… well, you know".

I imagine a blush on her skin, a smile that even tenses the muscles of her eyes and a glow in them.

"That sounds wonderful…" a clearing throat interrupts me to say yes to the 'double date', and how tense the atmosphere get tells me that the meanest girl in the school has just arrived.

"But, Other Girl, I have to tell you that our Little Blind has plans with me and Madison" Kitty entwines one of her arms with one of mine and she clings to me with full force, "so I guess it will be in another time".

"Oh, then it will be another day. I'll see you later for the performance of the week".

I hear the footsteps of Jane walking away, but rather she's shuffling, and when the bell for the change of class rumbles around the school Kitty decides to let go of me, but before I can put the cane in the guide she puts her foot.

"You're the worst person that may be in the universe" I say, crossing my arms, I move to the right but she does the same.

"Wait a second" one of her fingers places on my chest and presses tightly, "did I was who rejected an invitation from a friend to go out for the one of a girl when the guy asked me two minutes before her?".

I'm about to answer, but her arguments are so truthful that I simply shrug and limit myself to look down, if I could see I wouldn't look those terrifying accuser and green eyes that she has.

"As a friend, and protecting wing, I must say that's not good" she snorts, and I bet that she just put her hands on her hips, like always when she's angry. "You couldn't see it, but Spencer was sad when he saw you accepting the invitation from Jane".

"H-he saw that?" panic runs through my veins and manifests in a cold sweat, my eyes wide open and wants to jump up the stairs.

"Yes, he was a couple of meters behind you, so you should be sure when you are going to keep being a moron that there's no one that cares about you nearby" her finger finally stops trying to get through my chest to rip out my heart, she goes with loud stomps and growls.

I find the guide on the floor and walk with slow steps, hating Kitty for denying my date with Jane. But the big hatred goes directly against me, for being a moron, doubt about the things I want and for being the worst person in the universe.


	9. Are we okay?

So here's another chapter, sorry for not updating the previous one in time, but it wasn't ready when it had to. Anyway, enjoy :)

* * *

 **Are we okay?**

I turn on my right side on the mattress, if I could do it I would be looking at the window, to the huge tree outside with that nest with small and annoying birds that are dedicated to wake me up early on weekends. I could also see the drops of rain falling, and some sliding down from some of the leaves of the tree, the few that it should have for the change of season.

"Please, Mason" Madison says while she enters to my room, opening the door slowly and sitting beside me.

One of her hands shakily places over my shoulder but I move it away immediately, earning a combined snort with a sigh from her part. I close my eyes tightly to avoid the crying to come out.

It's unfair that I'm upset with her when she only cares about me, but it's due to her best friend and all those things that she had to say to make me realize that I'm an idiot.

It's assumed that today is a special day, it's assumed that tonight I should be on the highest hills of Lima, with Madison and the other cheerleaders, watching the meteor shower that happens every year on our birthday, enjoying the company of the best people in the universe and with a natural spectacle as a glorious closing. What a fucked up life.

"It's our birthday, you can't stay here all day long" her hand gets back to my shoulder, I let it to move down my back and give me a fraternal pat afterwards.

"I can and I will" I say under my breath, Madison sighs again.

I'm not a specialist in these things or anything like that, also that I just want to surmise stupidly, but I can say that all these things that I'm going through must be symptoms of depression, but I refuse at all costs to put one foot in the office of a psychologist or psychiatrist just because I don't want to see mom and dad to invest more in me.

"That's ironic, it's our birthday but mom and dad are out of the city" I laugh quite bitter.

"That's why I want you to come with me" she takes me by the shoulder so that I'm lying on my back. "It's our day".

"I don't want to get up, Madison" I sit up just to cover myself totally with a sheet, leaving a small hole at the height of my head to let in some fresh air.

Is it possible that the brutality of the language of a person can make another person to feel as such an aberration that may exist on the face of the Earth? If so please someone give a prize to Kitty, two if she feels offended by only receiving one.

"Are you sure?" without caring my answer she raises, but I don't listen her go.

"Yes, I'll be fine" I snort and close my eyes, again my voice threatens to break and crying tickles my eyelids. "Besides the guys are going to come, we have to make you bite the dust in a competition".

Madi laughs and jumps on me, she removes the sheet only how it's needed to flood my cheek with piles of gooey kisses, a few tickles on my neck and a hug in which she collapses all her body over mine. She knows how to get me in a good mood.

"If you don't die after rolling down the stairs and you take a phone with you press 'two' and I'll know that I must return as soon as possible".

"I'm not _that_ stupid, Madison" I remove the sheet from top of me and leave the comfort of my bed with a genuine smile on my face.

"Oh yeah, here among twins I can tell you that I differ so much with that".

Before I can finish surrounding the bed I stop, like if I had hit my little toe against a piece of the furniture, which has happened to me more than often since I returned home, and miraculously it hasn't broke. I cross my arms and I froze at the foot of the bed.

"What does that mean exactly?"

I hear her going out, walk down the hall, open the door of her room and close it, she goes back to my room and stand before me in something like five seconds, which doesn't surprise me at all. We have done so many rarities together that I will not be bored to recall all of them.

"Take this" she orders, but instead of allowing me to do so she takes my hand and hands me a sheet of paper, which makes a small cut on my right thumb by the abruptness with which she gives it to me.

"You're kidding, right?" I extend the sheet she just handed me and I shake it up to my head, when I roll my eyes she snorts like for the thousandth time throughout the day.

"I want you to show this to Spencer when you can have a moment alone with him" there's longing in her voice, or so I think. «Longing for what? Your assumptions are increasingly stupid, don't you think?».

"Okay, although I don't know what you want to achieve with this" I fold the sheet as best I can. "Could you at least give me a hint of what's here?" I shake it back and slid it into one of the pockets of the sweatpants that I forced myself to wear. I used to have style to get dressed, but with a little help from her.

"I can only tell you it's the first time in a while I've seen you so relaxed and…" I don't hear very well the last part, but it sounds something like 'happy', which I don't think it's possible if he's involved.

I collapse on the bed again when I hear her footsteps going away, she wishes me a happy birthday from the lower level just before she closes the front door.

I wait a couple of minutes before all my tangled thoughts begins to make my head ache in the front part and try to seek refuge in the ruffled sheets that now surrounds me. I should be on the hill, I should be with my first friends of McKinley, I should see the sheet that I have in front of my eyes, I should see back the blue tones of my room, I should be able to choose openly between Jane and Spencer.

I should do… I should say… I should see… I should not… I will not get…

"I can't" I say at last, clinging to the pillow like if it was the air that I breathe, burying my nose in it and drowning all those feelings that can now be released to be in the company of solitude.

Again those ideas return… the dark ideas. Fly through the window, an inverted somersault on the stairs, hit my head again on the pavement, a cut on the length of my arm with one of the sharp knives from the kitchen. Or just a simple cut along my throat.

The dark ideas, the most stupid occurrences to which I have only resorted blaming my lack of good quality sleep. Naps used to be one of my favorite activities, but now I hate feeling like a narcoleptic every chance I can feel that I'm about to fall sleep.

Think of the consequences of the dark ideas makes me shudder in my place with the pillow against my chest, now completely terrified. I can't imagine mom, dad and Madison having to deal with a funeral, and less because their son/brother was too weak to take the easy way out.

Inside I'm begging for help, outside I'm still trying to make a tough guy of myself.

* * *

Perhaps I may have forget the small detail of the adding of the Warblers to the group, and perhaps now is a bad idea to have thirteen guys in a small and simple living room, shouting and arguing for which would be a perfect combination of songs for Regionals.

I stay as far as possible away from the battle site, next to Roderick, who only votes in favor or against any suggestions, but the suggestions that he murmurs when the voice switches between Skylar and Spencer are really good.

"Coldplay is our best option, end of the discussion" Skylar snaps out, Spencer growls too loud and hits his hands against something, and I hope that was a wall and not the face of the former Warbler. "People in favor?".

We all vote saying 'I' and rising a hand, but I only hear three voices in favor, four with mine. It's supposed that I have to support New Directions, and I do, but what I wish most now is that everyone gets out of here in the next four milliseconds.

Contrary to my idea again all hell breaks loose, the discussion begins for Imagine Dragons, Nirvana, Avicci, Flo Rida, One Direction (suggested by Myron), Alistair lists a couple of groups of indie music, Gary Jules, among many others. My suggestions are ignored along with Roderick's, and before that discussion can really get to grips I stand up and I clear my throat, causing the noise to be silenced slowly.

"In view of the success that we didn't had today, I suggest that on Monday everyone brings a song list, and the recurrence of them are the likely options".

"That's… not such a bad idea" Skylar whispers, and a few others just nod with their throats. "I guess that's it for today".

After three hours of discussion all seems to be much better because I hear many steps heading and going out the front door, or at least the part that corresponds to the Warblers leaves. Alistair, Myronm Roderick and Spencer stay to keeps me company, and I'm more than happy with it.

"Now that those hindrances are gone, what do you think of a huge pizza?" says Alistair.

"I think you just read everyone's mind" Spencer answers.

"I agree with Spencer" I say after hours of silence, but I earn a small groan from him.

I cross my arms and cringe on my place, recalling once again that I'm still an idiot in the eyes of Kitty, and certainly before his as well, who has been talking to me in a rather rigid since he arrived. I act without thinking of the consequences on many occasions, and now it has become more than clear.

"Can I turn on the flat screen?" Myron asks while he settles next to me.

"Of course" seriousness floods my voice after such a so uncomfortable moment.

I hear the voice of Spencer in the distance, taking charge of the order, while Alistair and Roderick hums softly, I don't know if Myron is paying attention to the television or to his cellphone, but either way, surrounded by all of them, I can't help to feel the terrifying feeling of being alone in a crowd. I can't imagine anything that can feel worse.

"How true is that today is your birthday?" Roderick asks as I hear him play some chords on his guitar and Alistair continues humming. "And before you start thinking about anything, Kitty said it".

"Totally true" I answer, smiling a bit.

The three that are closer comes upon me, racking me in a quite comforting hug, which would certainly be better if there were four the people who are invading my living space, while they're whispering congratulations.

"Guys, the order is made, but they said that they have problems with the deliverers so someone will have to go get it" Spencer's voice makes all of them to depart.

There's a moment of silence, a few seconds that takes me to realize that Spencer doesn't plan to be in charge of it, and I don't either because I suppose that I will receive special treatment for being my birthday.

"I go" indicates Roderick while he stands.

"I'll go with you" says Alistair, "so I could go a second to my place to fix something that has just emerged".

"Then I'm going too, I have to change my clothes anyway".

When Myron finishes speaking the three of them stand up and leaves the house, I hear Roderick's car igniting on and going down the street, feeling the eyes of Spencer might be enough to leave a bruise for the intensity and hatred that I can perceive in it.

Finally I get up from the couch and stretch, clearing a little the laziness that gripped me from half an hour ago, I dodge the little coffee table and continue straight into the kitchen, passing him. His body has this kind of unique, fresh scent that almost makes me want to be next to him to perceive it a little more.

He follows me, his footsteps goes behind me in the quietest way possible, watching every one of my moves. I try not to shrug and turn on my heels to tell him to stop with that, but instead I swallow the start of contempt.

"It was an interesting session, don't you think?" I say while I pour two glasses of water.

"We came to nothing, it remains being the same to when they arrived at McKinley" he snorts but also laughs.

I remember that the first time I came to the choir room there were so many voices that I felt lost in a classroom, but after an explanation of Kurt and Rachel, along with some glitter bombs that I would have loved to see completely, everything took a way kind of consistent.

"Here" I say when my shoes hit the tips of his and I extend him a glass.

"Thanks" he takes and drinks it in three sips, leaving it somewhere in the kitchen.

I move aside and keep walking, giving it small sips and guided by the power of my little finger against the wall, without stop feeling that his gaze tries to hit me in the nape or something similar. I wouldn't mind at all if he decides to push me.

"I have something for you" he exclaims, he doesn't stop talking in such a rigid and forced tone. «How many times do I have to tell him that I'm sorry?». «True, I haven't done it either one damn time». I don't know why I'd like that whatever he's going to give to me is a punch in the face.

I hear him opening his backpack, a few seconds after he places next to me, in the middle of the living room, he takes my right hand and puts something in it, something small and a bit heavy. I take it with both hands and I realize that there are small outs on the front and the back. He just gave me a book.

"What…?" I say, but he clears his throat.

"You said that the repertoire for books in braille was not huge enough to look too closely at it, so I thought it would be great to expand it a little" his voice changes to the friendly and cordial tone in which he talks to me, finally!

I slid my right index finger on the cover, just where the title and the author's name begin. I don't know where he has taken the format that the braille books needs to be legible and stylized. _Carrie_ , by Stephen King. «He just hit a perfect gift».

"You… you transliterate it?" I slid my index again over the letters of the title and the image that's in there, but I don't completely understand it.

"Oh no, I'm still an idiot for that" a chuckle comes out of him, and I don't feel so bad to laugh too. "Also I don't have that machine with which you write, but I actually wrote this out".

He takes my right hand again and hands me a small piece of thick paper, cut in a completely irregular and asymmetrical way, but with the dots needed to be something readable for me. I slid he index over the small text and I can feel that a blush attacks me on the cheeks for what it says, but it's so straightforward that I can't help it.

It states: _Happy birthday, Mason! I hope you enjoy my little gift. You're a great friend, even though you're mean to me, but I love you anyway_.

"I also have something for you" without hearing some kind of response I get the piece of paper out from my pocket and handed it to him, although when I do so I feel that the fear of the truth, and to whatever that's in there, is worse than whenever I could have thought.

"Well, well, what do have we here" he says, surely with a smile, while he settle the folds and hums a little. When he finishes and smooths the paper he stops his happy humming, and everything becomes a silence that couldn't be present neither in a cemetery. "Okay, this is not what I expected".

"What is it? I must tell you that Madison gave it to me and told me to give it to you when I could be alone with you" he laughs again with a hint of nervousness.

"It's… a picture" my throat seems invaded by sand, I find it hard to swallow and even breathe. "Of… us…".

I wobble in the act, but Spencer's hands holds me in time before I could fall, he takes me by the shoulders with great delicacy, but that doesn't stop me for reflexively move my shoulders for him to release me.

"U-us?" I stretch a hand to find a couch, dropping slowly and realizing that I have a talent for exaggerate everything; he settles next to me and his knee touches mine. I move a little so that there is more contact.

"Yup, and I didn't think we could look so good when we sleep".

I make a grimace that reflexes everything that just gathered together in my head, and just because I don't either know what I'm trying to show in it I accompany Spencer when he begins to hesitate and laugh nervously.

"I-I mean that we both are hot guys and…" out of the blue one of his fingers slowly slides down my face, and in a millisecond I have in mind to leap out the window, but I prefer to swallow the thought, "I don't know, your jawline is very… unique".

I almost totally lean for his hand to place on my cheek, but something inside my head tells me that it doesn't seem like the brightest idea after having lied to him and being highlighted in seconds.

"I could say the same, but I don't know" something of remorse runs through my veins. I must have seen the world around me intently, but I didn't expect to lose that capacity in a so near future. "Can I meet you?"

Who makes that question so suddenly? I'm not sure, but I guess that the former friendly Mason does it, that one who goes headlong into the things and don't think of them with the proper need, the awkward but bravery me that's pleading to retake possession of me. If that kind

"I suppose so, do it".

I turn the upper part of my body so my hands places shakily on his cheeks, we both give a small gasp at the contact of the other. I smile to him and freeze for a moment, and I beg all the existing deities for the shaking of my hands to stop.

"Why your eyes are moving?" he asks while I feel tingling in the fingers and swallow me nervous laughter.

"They always do, with or without seeing they do it for anything".

"And you can't go through a surgery that restores your sight?" I shake my head while the tips of my fingers stay on his cheeks.

"The blow hit straight against my head, probably if I had received the damage straight to my eyes it would be an option".

I move my right hand to take his left and guide it to the back of my head, with two of his fingers I make him to touch the lump that come out on my nape. His fingers tightens immediately and a weird noise comes out of his throat, but his palm stands nearly in a warm and fraternal way, almost like a gentle caress, in the area where the skull becomes something that shouldn't be.

"Is…".

"Horrible, I know" if I didn't remember that his cheeks are in my hands I would have contracted my fingers tightly.

"I hadn't planned to say that, but if it makes you happy then I'll say that is horrible" the corners of my lips tighten in a tiny smile.

I gather courage and both of my indexes begin to move, I start over his forehead, the wrinkles from that part becomes more noticeable when he frowns. I go slowly down to the sides towards his eyes, which he keeps closed; from there I descend by his cheekbones and the shape of his nose

"Which color your eyes have?" I ask after the silence that settled seemed to have extended for hours.

"Blue".

"What about your hair?" my left gets back up, finding that the feeling of a so cut hair so thoroughly enjoyable.

"Blond" he laughs. Even for me those seem to be stupid questions.

"And your lips?" in the act I want to take it back for that, but if my right thumb weren't drawing a shaking curve on them I'll say that it only occurred to me.

"I-I don't know, pink…?" I close my eyes tightly when the thought to throw on him comes out of the nowhere. «Not yet».

I move away my hands and I leave them inert on my thighs, waiting for the blush that keeps bothering me finally decides to disappear. But it intensifies when I hear him sighing, the most genuine and fresh out of the soul sound that I first hear from him.

"Aren't you angry with me?" he answers with a sound made deep in his throat. "You know, to reject your invitation to that party on Friday and that stuff".

"Oh, well, I was a bit resentful and upset at first" he pats me on the shoulder, "but then I got to think that perhaps with Jane you feel more comfortable in what belongs to hang out and that sort of things, so that I just forgot about it".

"I thought that you were still upset today" I throw my right hand on his hand.

"At all, I just wanted to bother you a bit for you to reconsider being a d-bag the next time".

We both laugh, I drop my head back and turn it in his direction, he pushes me with his shoulder and I do the same, and that little game becomes a tickle war without quarter, which I win by simply placing my hands on his waist and exhale slightly in his neck.

"Then, are we okay?" I ask when I recover completely the normal rhythm of my breathing.

"I don't know exactly what you want to ask with that, but I'll say yeah" he tickles my chin, "we're okay".

Before anything else can happen, if there was anything going to happen, the front door opens. Alistair, Myron and Roderick make a huge outrage to get in and move away the things that are placed on the table to make room for the pizza.

Myron is in charge of the music on the flat screen, and the five of us stay there for hours, singing along and enjoying the pleasures of two extra-big pizzas with various side dishes to accompany.

"For Mason!" says Spencer out of nowhere.

"For Mason!" answers the rest of us and we make a toast with the slices.

Alistair makes us all to get together for a long and ridiculous photoshoot, where I hope that my funny faces are legit, but my smiles are as real as the fact that Spencer's arm hasn't depart from my shoulders since the pizzas arrived.

I may not be on the hill and unable to see the meteor shower, even I can't be with my biological family, but with this my second family I'm more than willing to continue spending a lot more birthdays.


	10. I was on the top

Next chapter, and in this one I think I decided to add all the drama that until now had remained somewhat hidden or dispersed in small amounts. I hope you enjoy it, and a fav, follow or review would be amazing :)

* * *

 **I was on the top**

" _ **I**_ 've seen many blind people through the streets, I wonder why he doesn't use sunglasses when he's out in public".

" _ **A**_ nd his guide dog? That would have made funnier my senior year".

" _ **A**_ ll of you move aside, he's coming. I don't want to be a reason why he greets the floor with his face".

If I could get five bucks for each one of the times I hear those comments, or very similar things, then I probably could pay for a life as a millionaire magnate in New York or Chicago. It's so usual that I'm about to hit the whole universe with my cane.

I don't know why a small part of me hoped that having competed and won at Regionals, now in our way to Nationals, would make the whole thing to turn into something a little less horrible.

I snort and keep walking down the hall, extremely silent and free of any human nuisance during the last class period; I blamed it on the unplanned nap that decided to attack me in the depths of the library.

"Aren't you supposed to have Geometry right now?"

Spencer's arm places without any kind of warning on my shoulders, he removes the cane from my hand and puts it in the pocket of his varsity jacket, an unhealthy habit that he decided to launch about a week ago. And he chuckles, a chuckle that I can't help but accompany even if I tried to.

He still believes that I can faithfully memorize the roads without any kind of problems, being that I can't give more than ten steps without bumping into something or someone, besides I like the annoying noise that it makes. I try to give him a hateful look to my right and I leave him to accompany me to Geometry, but either way Ms. Bletheim is not going let me set foot in the classroom.

"I was comfortably asleep in the library, I guess they saw me totally calm to wake me up".

"Yeah, right now you don't look so tired" he tickles my chin, another thing that he has begun to do without any kind of remorse, and now he knows that I'm susceptible to tickling.

"Stop looking at me!" I give him a slight nudge in the ribs, feeling a bit of some toned muscle under his jacket and the shirt that probably he's wearing, but someone opens the door of the nearest classroom to silence us.

We move freely through the lonely hallways, like if we were the kings of the school, but I can't imagine being caught and sent to detention for taking such a freedom. That's one of the things that I can't blame the blindness for, although I think I could find a way to do so.

"Then, to which classroom are we going?" he inquires as I unwilling snort.

"Bletheim" I say no more, because she's kind of a monstrosity known through the hallways, along that everyone believes that there's some sort of evil conspiracy between her and Sue.

"Hmm well, you know that she will not let you come to her class, right?" I nod and he only pulls me closer to him with his arm.

"I had a little hope, you just killed it".

His hand moves towards my head and he makes the unthinkable act of ruffling my hair. At other times I would surely pushed him to tell him to never do such a thing ever in his life, but right now that is something that I'd like him to do again.

"I have more questions for you" I hear him searching in all the pockets that jeans and a jacket can contain, for ultimately he has to step aside and take off the backpack from his shoulders. "I could have sworn that they were in my pants, but here you have them".

I stretch my hands, I've made him to let me do small things on my own, and he agreed, although it could have being weird if he didn't. However he guides me, he goes making sounds with his throat of denial or confirmation, he occasionally says 'a little more to the right' or 'a little bit to the left', but finally I'm able to find other asymmetric piece of paper with a little more of style in the letters that he tries to mold.

"I suppose that this is one of the reasons why I miss Geometry" he stops in there, I guess I'm still a good student for some people, and he makes a sound in his throat, a sign that he's confused. "Pop quizzes, that's what I mean".

"It's not a quiz, they are only healthy questions that pops into my head" I roll my eyes friendly and smile.

"You really are meddling so much in this, to braille I mean" I unfold the paper and I look for the start of the questions.

"You can't blame me, Mace, I'm too curious about some things".

I'm not very familiar or enthusiastic person for nicknames, the ones that Kitty uses with me and Madison are not as friendly as you can say, and let alone with those that she decided to use specifically with me. But I like Mace, it's a good shortcut for my name, because Mason is to me somewhat very formal, plus that for being the first time that he mentions it is interesting.

I raise my shoulders quickly, remembering that I'm not entirely alone, either physically or emotionally, and I dedicate myself to read the list of questions that he just gave me.

 _Everything around you is dark or you can see a bit blur?_

 _Is there any other book you want me to give you?_

 _What's your favorite color?_

 _Favorite song? (If you say you're a 1D fan just like Myron I will doubt about our… friendship)_. In that last one there was something written, but he managed to 'erase' it by trying to rearrange the dots.

"Everything is dark, I guess if everything was blurry it will not bother me so much" he nods with his throat, but with a strange tone, like trembling. "I haven't thought about titles, but now I will" I answer in the order that the questions are typed. "Now that I don't see them it doesn't seems to matter so much, but I guess that red and green".

"Green like your eyes?" he touches my cheek, I move to the opposite side. The flush doesn't take even two milliseconds to bother me.

"I suppose so, although a bit darker".

"Well, but answer the others in a second, I have to make a small scale. I'll be back soon".

He gives about five steps and I hear the squeaks of the hinges of the swinging doors, I hit the tips of my shoes while I'm rocking on my heels, over and over again, listening to a couple of steps that moves away, they stop and decides to move in my direction. Like if it were some kind of shield I stand still and lean my back against the wall behind me.

"Oh, hey!" says a guy, by the tone of his voice I think he's one of the former Warblers and he's with me in a class. If I'm not mistaken he's also the one who called Julianne Moore to Alistair. "Are you lost?"

"No, I'm waiting for someone" «there go five more bucks to my imaginary account to live in New York or Chicago».

"Oh, I understand".

We both stay quiet, he starts humming a lullaby that it's vaguely familiar to me while I start to think of another entry that fits into my fictitious savings account. "Concern for the blind guy for seeing him walking without someone nearby and without his cane in his hands", that's how I will get more money to live in a fictional world.

"Can I ask you two questions?" the guy says out of the blue, and I'm partially glad that he broke the silence.

"Sure, or well … yeah, whatever. Say it" I slid the paper into the back pockets of my pants and I put my hands inside the front ones.

"Are you and Spencer dating?" «certainly an excellent question».

Are Spencer and I dating? No, we're not. Are Spencer and I a couple? No, we're not. Lately we have spent so much time together as many improvised hanging outs, including one or another occasional visit to The Lima Bean, and we talk A LOT, anything is good to keep us entertained for so many hours. I hanged out a few times with Jane too, and now everything seems a little less murky in terms of… them.

"No, we're just good friends" I say in all honesty, but I don't deny that that idea aren't a little materialized in my imagination.

"Awesome!" the guy yells, but I think that his time of enthusiasm was supposed to be kept for himself because he clears his throat. "I mean" he tries to speak with a more deep tone, I can't help my mocking smile for so, "now that I know that he will not punch me for what I'm going to say next, would you like to go to dinner with me on Friday night?".

Stunned. I'm stunned and whatever that's in front of it.

Yeah, I've received a couple of invitations in that kind of straightforward way, but Madison was the one that was devoted to flush out all the girls that made them alleging any nonsense.

However, it's the second time that I get so tense when I receive an invitation from a guy, and it's simply because I don't know if this is the kind of thing that I want for myself or if I'm just discovering what might happen with a sudden yes or no.

I clear my throat and I'm about to speak when the swinging hinges squeaks again.

"Okay, sorry for the waiting…" Spencer places by my side, too close to me. A cold sweat runs down the back of my neck and suddenly I feel punched to find refuge behind him. "You need something?" he asks to the guy with obvious contempt in his voice.

"N-No, I j-just wanted to a-ask something a-about History to M-Mason".

"Yeah, the First World War lasted from 1914 to 1918" I jump in his defense, and the barely audible sigh coming out from him counts as my good deed for the day. "I'll have in mind your idea for the essay, I'll see you tomorrow".

"M-My idea about the e-essay…?" I wink my left eye, the one that I think that Spencer can't see. "Ah, s-sure! The essay. Yeah, yeah, see you tomorrow".

And the bell of the end of the day is what ends with the tense atmosphere and the conversation. The guy runs like a shot while Spencer puts his arm on my shoulders and we walk to my locker, which is on the way to his, or that's what he told me.

Anyway I was going to say no to the guy, whatever that I experience, feel or discover next to a guy I'll prefer it to stay in the confidentiality that exists between Spencer and me.

"Is that guy really is in your History class?" we climb up a set of stairs and we come to a hallway infested with lots of people. I move a bit closer towards him, and in a weird twist of the things all of them seem to stand aside to let us pass through.

"Yup, why would I lie about it?" I ask.

"I don't know, he looked a little nervous when he saw me coming" he hits the locker twice and removes his arm from my shoulders to open it.

I know Spencer enough to know that he hates the things that many would call as romantic, and he prefers to be more in a world where he has to be all of a tough man despite being gay. We're totally opposite, and I see nothing more but a weird combination of our personalities if we were… something.

"Mace…" I move a step but I get tense for the new tone of his voice. He sounds terrified. "A note fell out of your locker, it's written in computer".

I swallow the lump in my throat, I close the locker door and the only thing that I can cling to realize that what's happening around me it's actually happening is the back of the books and the rushing of our breaths.

«This isn't happening, this isn't happening».

"Mason, Mason, hey, calm down" his hand places on my shoulders and that gives me another bit of reality.

"W-what does it say…?" I'm in panic, complete and sudden panic, worse than when the dark ideas come to my head. "Just read it, please" he nods and clears his throat.

"You deserve the truth, you'll hear from me soon".

* * *

I'm a genius and a master in this braille thing, I can say so because I close the cover of Spencer's gift after having read it in only one weekend. I feel really bad for poor Carrie, but I can't deny that her powers are totally great. For a second I felt with the same capabilities, but I don't think that I can fall so much in an abyss of loneliness to find somebody to retaliate with.

I swing my bare feet on the opposite armrest in which I have my head on, listening nothing but the hands of the huge pendulum clock that's close to the flat screen, and hear the exact moment when the hour changes. Four o'clock in the afternoon.

Spencer should be arriving soon, he has never been late for this sort of things, or not more than five minutes. Although I don't see why he wants to learn how to use the Blista machine, but somehow the way in which he manages to change his voice when he's asking for something he prevented me to refuse him. Again.

The note… I didn't think I would take a whole weekend trying to tie up loose ends again; everything is back in place with which I began my attempt to find the culprit, and whoever that the damn bastard is it decided to do it right now that the storm had ceased. «What a good luck that I have».

I close my eyes for a second and take a deep breath, trying to calm the slight unease that has been over me since Friday. I don't want to feel like that having my 'surprise guest' at home.

I open my eyelids again when the desperate knocks on the front door make act of presence. I get up and walk taking small jumps, the corners of my lips trembles in an attempt to widen a smile.

"Who is it?" I ask, something that in some way reminds me of when I was four years old and I asked the same thing but I couldn't open the door when we had visitors.

"A-Alistair" answers on the other side of the door. Something inside my chest seems to have done a free fall and disintegrate after falling straight on the ground.

I open the door anyway, making sure that I really show myself so angry. I was waiting for a guest, but I didn't expect him to actually be any kind of surprise guest.

"H-Hey, Mason" he whispers, indeed I could barely hear him.

"Al, what a surprise" «turn around and go away. Now».

"Can I come in?".

I nibble on my lower lip from the inside, thinking that I don't know how to say no without sounding as aggressive like the words that are formulated inside my head do.

"Actually I'm waiting for Spencer, and…".

"It would only be a moment" he continues talking in whispers. I roll my eyes, snorting aloud and moving aside.

"Come in".

He passes right next to me, but he doesn't walk beyond the small corridor that connects the front door with the rest of the house. I leave the door slightly ajar and I stay holding the knob for when he leaves, within the next few seconds.

"Can I ask what are you doing here?" I pinch my thigh with my free hand because of so much rudeness.

"I come for you to hit me in the face. Here" he's speaking in a normal tone, at least the one to which I'm used to, he takes my hand and forces me to make a fist, he hits it gently against his cheek but I limit myself to move it back, "just hit me and we'll be done with it".

"Why would I hit you?" the fast way of how he's speaking makes me a little nervous, enough for me to not release the doorknob if I need to run away. «But where?».

"I'm the one who left you blind!".

I stay…

I'm not even able to recognize whatever that I'm starting to feel in this moment.

I'm in a combination of uncontrolled anger, desires of murder, a deep cry of hatred formulates in the depths of my lungs, the bile that's rising in my throat produces a sour taste in my mouth. Moreover, in the disgruntled feelings, I'm relieved to finally know it.

I stop holding with all my strength the doorknob when I start feeling that my hand is cramped, with the other I make a fist that I will not hesitate to launch against his nose, if I could see it.

"Please, I need an explanation" I finally release the door and cross my arms, my nails finds with my forearms and I force myself to not hurt myself to wake up from this nightmare.

What I do is to pinch the inside of my right elbow. I needed to do that, otherwise I would believe that I fall asleep reading the final chapters of the book. «Where's Spencer?».

"I don't understand what's so difficult to understand, you're blind because of me" he says and burst into tears. Hear him saying it again just makes me to shrug my shoulders a little more.

"I heard you. I want to know how it happened, my memory is somewhat problematic with that date".

At least two psychologists told me that that was called retrograde amnesia, and that it would be normal that I couldn't remember what happened that night, but a few things are in fact present, though blurry or with holes.

However, Alistair's history makes no sense. He talks me about a game that took place in broad daylight, but with rain, against a school which I didn't have the faintest idea that there existed, besides he's saying that the squad was taking a warming on the stands and that's when he appeared and accidentally pushed me, making me to fall straight over my head. I could still believe that last part, the otherwise I don't buy it at all.

"That's why I came, I supposed that for you to wait until Monday would be something horrible. Now that you know it I still insist that you have to hit me" his voice breaks, and that again almost makes me believe what he says.

"Wait, wait" I lift my hands, like if I really knew what I'm doing with them and in which direction I move them, but something about it doesn't fits in to me. "The game of that time wasn't against Thurston, nor was a rainy day, so…" I left the sentence unfinished on purpose.

"I-I… I…" he stays quiet, but that lets me breathe again in peace and find again some clarity in my thoughts.

"Alistair, what are you trying to say exactly?".

"He's trying to say that he's a terrible liar".

The door opens again, this time I let it go and crash helplessly against the opposite wall when Spencer is the one who pushes it. I don't know exactly what's happening right now.

"Hey, I thought I was doing a good job" Al sounds really hurt.

"Well, no, you didn't" I don't know why I think that Spencer is tightening his jaw, "and I'll seriously reconsider the kind of things that you can, or not, do the next time that I ask for your help".

I stay quiet and stand still, alternating my head between their voices, and it seems like they just forget that they are arguing on the entrance of my house and with me at a mere three steps away. All that I do is clear my throat and raise my eyebrows for make myself forward again, and the two of them kind of pay attention on me but they're still arguing.

"You'd better go, Al, I'll take care from here".

Alistair snorts and pats me on the right shoulder and leaves the house, closing the door behind him. The environment becomes tense, something like when you're in the middle of a test and you know that you studied absolutely nothing, but still you're looking for ways to copy the answers of the person next to you.

Advantage of blindness: no need to make tests, or homework's, or essays. Disadvantages of blindness: everything that can be done with the use of sight, understood everything.

"Let's go to the living room".

I move my legs and drag myself into the living room, although I'm not quite sure who gives them the order to do so. I focus on the fact that Spencer was listening to what Alistair just told me, and I'm not so sure about how much he even heard. Perhaps all, or maybe just a bit, whatever it is, I don't like it at all.

"Do you want something from the kitchen?" I get up but one of his hands takes my right one, I cringe just a few seconds while he puts some force to slide me back into the couch.

"Stay with me for a bit".

We're quiet for a few minutes or a few seconds, I don't know if time elapses at the same speed in a moment like this. I want to say so many things but at the same time I don't want to say anything, so the only thing I do is to let my head to place on his shoulder.

"Why did you say that Alistair is a terrible liar?".

"Because he is, and because he's covering up for someone else".

Our hands are at the height of my right knee, mine moves from a shaky and uncertain way, just like I feel right now that we're so close. His palm slides over mine, I open my fingers a little, enough so that the first phalanges of his can intertwine with mine.

What happens inside me is way too unparalleled, it's like if it was the first time that someone takes my hand in that way, just as trembling like me but at the same time with the enough confidence that inspires me to not stop neither for a single second.

"Who's him covering up?" I speak slowly, doubtful that the day is really going on in this crazy way, with so many surprise visitors and also with so many terribly invented stories.

"To me".

The feeling that comes after those two words is like that horrible shock that accompanies the common dream of falling from a very, very high distance, and even if you make the biggest effort for wanting to wake up you don't get it. Neither the contact of our hands achieves that feeling to go away.

"What?".

"Mace…" the back of one of his fingers slides down my cheek, but now it feels like a lump of ice. "I did it".

"Spencer, that's not funny" my teeth chatters.

"I'm not lying, Mace" I move my head and I feel that something just tightened around my neck. "Alistair was lying because I asked him to. Here and now I'm confessing that you're blind because of me".

"Spencer…" I say while I run out of air. I want to believe that he's lying, but his hand keeps being intertwined with mine, and it's not shaking, it rather seems to grasp its grip on me.

"I'm going to tell you a story so real that I wish I would never have lived it".

The way in which Spencer speaks makes that the moments that I can remember from that night seems to be played like if the time had turned back.

The chill of an autumn night, the deafening roar of the crowd behind me, supporting the two teams and hoping that the home team shred the visitors. The cheerleader's squad giving their best for our team to go on route to another championship, chanting the usual "TI-TANS, TI-TANS", shaking pompoms and doing the best stunts and inverted somersaults that we're able, or I was able, to perform for such an important event.

The score was entirely on our side, we triplicated the score of the opposing team. I could almost see them mourning and begging to be taken home. The images of that day seem to be played in some part of my head, with jumps in the sequence and one or another spooky spot on where it should have being someone's face.

I remember that a few weeks earlier coach Washington had decided to reorganize the position that we all would take on the pyramid and the final presentation if luck let us to take a look at the championship. And she chose me to be on top, according to her because she had noticed a greater effort in me during the practice.

"Coach Beiste shouted me to lead to the goal line, he said that Johnson was about to throw the ball, so I did".

I remember a little of that play, and I also remember that there were missing about two minutes on the clock. The damned championship was just around the corner, it was just something that someone hit the ball against the opposite side of the field and the whole thing would be solved.

And since then I don't remember anything, so Spencer's words makes that to come to my knowledge.

"Johnson threw the ball when I was barely moving towards my position but I managed to catch it, the inertia made me to keep moving forward, not realizing that behind the pyramid was giving the last show to accompany the final touchdown. But…".

"I was on the top" saying that makes me realize that I was at the top of popularity in McKinley and right now I also realize that I'm not even a shadow of what I used to be in those wonderful days, "then it was when I fell".

Saying it is almost like talking about a bad dream, the kind that supposedly you can't tell to anyone unless you want it to come true. If I ever had any kind of dream like that before I would have told it to anyone, even to myself, but either way would have been better to have it in the head.

"After that all was… still. I raised my head, and any of the other players went with what was supposed to, everyone were silent when the applause stopped, so I stood up and walked away from my disaster" his voice breaks in that last part. "Then the screams came and the cries for help, I had taken off my helmet and turned my head in time to see a boy being raised from the ground, leaving a pool of blood, and being taken into the ambulance to the closest emergency room".

He hugs me before I can even think about whatever I may think after listening to all of his history, the arms that I only could hold to walk the hallways wraps me in a hug that seems to restore all the cracks of my soul, it makes me feel warm inside and with desires to never wanting to get away from him.

Jane also have hugged me, but I could never feel the same that now when he does it. Spencer is the one I choose, but… could I keep choosing him after what he just said?

"Coach said it wasn't my fault, that it was him who should be blamed for not having foreseen and noticed we weren't in the correct positions" the sobbing that comes out of Spencer hits the depths of my compassion, but something doesn't let me to express it. "There was a week where I couldn't get to the locker room and feel the full weight of that accident was on me, even though the coach insisted every time over and over again that it was his entire fault".

I haven't had confirmation of Madison, or mom and dad about that night, because I don't want to talk about it or them either, but the sincerity with which Spencer speaks makes that whatever I feel for him wilt in seconds. The scent of his body now smells similar to the niff of a skunk.

"I'm really, really sorry I did it, it was the worst mistake I've made in my life, and it haunts me whenever it can" I don't breathe, I don't move, I don't think. I don't do anything now that I don't know who is the victim in this whole situation. "Please say something" he whispers in my neck.

I get rid of my rigid posture and my hands pulls off his arms slowly, I take him by the wrist of his right hand and I make that the two of us get up, I hear him sniffling while I keep moving with the face of a stone on my face.

Spencer has taken everything away from me.

I take the doorknob and open it violently, sure to having the musculature that he has then I would have made the glass mosaic that adorns it to shatter.

"Go away, now" I order him. The voice that's coming out of my throat, severe, aggressive, dry and insensitive, is totally alien to me. I'm not sure what's banking me to do this, but I don't try to avoid it.

"Mace, listen to me" I release his hand and he passes next me, the scent of his body passing by me says it all.

"I listened to you, and right now I want you to go so far away from me".

"Mason, please…".

I stretch my hands and achieve to push him in the first attempt, a move that completely takes him by surprise since he backs a lot of steps and a kind of strange sound comes out from his chest.

"Please what? You didn't finish fucking up my existence?" I keep pushing him, he makes birdies in his throat every time he walks away.

"I know saying sorry will never be able to solve what I did, and you have no idea how bad I feel when I see you walking around like if you we're just something hollow and lifeless".

I contract all parts of my body that can do it, I push him with my fists and try to give small bumps before doing so.

"You're the reason, you're horrible, I hate you. And especially I don't want to think about the look of condescension that you probably give to me every time that you look at me".

"Mason, stop saying those things" he begs, and right now I love that he's doing so. "If there was a way in which I can give you back your sight don't hesitate for a second that I will".

"It occurs one to me" I push him one last time, I hear that he falls the three steps that leads to the porch and he stays on the ground, complaining about the fall. "How about if you return the time to that night and you decide to pay attention to your pathetic sport and so you fail that the lives of people take stupid turns?!".

"Mace…".

I go down the three steps carefully, I find his body when my toes touches his clothes. I stand up at the high of his torso and threw myself forward, I'm able to find his shirt and make him up, his breathing speeds like never before and the gasps manages to make a smile to appear on my face.

"I don't want to know something about you anymore" and I push him once more. "Don't talk to me, don't think of me, don't be in the same room with me".

I turn on my heels and I lead back to the house, I take the door with both of my hands and slammed it with full force of which I'm able to. I turn my back to it and I slid to the floor, clasping my legs as much as I can to my chest and holding my desires to cry. I will not give him satisfaction to shed a tear because of him.

But it's… funny, so that a nervous giggle escapes from me. A door just closed and a wall is completely built up.


	11. I'm an accident that walks

Next chapter, as the author's note I'm just gonna say that I'm just back to college, so please be a little patience if from now on it takes me a while to update, which I hope doesn't happen. Enjoy the chapter that I bring to you, and don't hate me for what you read :)

* * *

 **I'm an accident that walks**

I'm opposite to the mirror of the bathroom in my room, the hollow reflection of my eyes is trying to cross into the darkness. I reach out my hand to make sure it's there in another of such attempts in which I seek how to realize that I'm not dreaming, that everything that's happening around me is part of a series of events that I wouldn't wish it neither on my worst enemy, and I don't have enemies.

If I could I'd be seeing the face of someone with his eyes puffy from the heat of the moment, the clench jaw, deep and dark circles around the eyes, tousled hair and everything that involves knowing the truth even when it's not more required to be known.

"Mason?" asks mom from the ground floor. The terrified tone in her voice is not entirely my imagination. "Mason, where are you?".

I move my hand from the mirror and I cling to the sink, breathing deep a few times to prevent the nausea from taking over me. I still have that bitter taste in the mouth, and it seems like if it would never have an end.

"Son, are you at home?" now it's dad who's questioning, and once again it's clear that he's not very good at asking questions. He knows that I can't leave the house without telling them.

The lower part of the house is a disaster that occurred in a fit of anger, which I launched just five minutes after I heard Spencer saying aloud that he was an idiot and leave.

The couch cushions are torn, I never thought that my teeth were capable of that, the coffee table ended up on one of the couches along with the small pots that were therein. The big lamp that was near the window, mom's favorite, now lies shattered along with some photographs that were hanging on the walls. The only thing that wasn't damaged at all was the flat screen, anyway I like to hear some programs.

"Mason?" Madison joins to the list of concerns.

I roll my eyes and silently open the bathroom's door, I step out and dodge the bookshelf that I knocked when I got here. I open ajar the door of my room to listen to some of the hysteria that's happening down there.

"Honey, someone broke into the house" mom's voice breaks, "call the police, I don't want to imagine that…".

"I'm in my room" I say without so much encouragement but aloud enough so that mom can stop making weird speculations. I head for the stairs when I hear many steps hurrying up.

"Oh honey, next time I want you to answer us when we call you" mom kisses me on the forehead and tousles my hair, dad just dedicates himself to pat me on the shoulder.

"What happened here?" he asks while I depart from them.

"I had a bad day" «horrible, terrible, disgusting, harmful, confusing, full of things I don't want to hear about anymore. The worst day of a whole damn life». "I just had a bad day, I'm sorry".

They force me to join them in a hug, but because it is an obligation I just simply leave my arms inert by my sides, just like when Spencer hugged me after his confession of everything.

I can still feel that something indeed was restored within me because of his proximity, and I'm quite sure that in another time that would have been more than welcome, it was just a matter of him daring to do so and me willing to show somewhat more receptive to that kind of affect, to his affection…

Yeah, I'm admitting it in a base of too many words: I have feelings for Spencer, which, however, I can't quite define.

"Do you want to talk about it?" mom asks when the few seconds that resemble to hours of the hug lasts finally comes to an end.

"Later perhaps, right now I have a headache that's going to kill me".

Bad choice of words, a very bad choice of words.

"In which part of your head? Are you sure that it's only that?" mom's hands places on my forehead and cheeks while dad makes sounds of denial with his throat. "Do you feel dizzy? Any…?".

"Anything of that" I manage to be able to take her hands off and hold them for a moment, giving her a smile that I hope seems comforting. "It should be only for the lack of sleep, nothing more".

"Are you sure, son?" dad puts back his hand on my right shoulder and I share some of my smile with him.

"Totally".

That's enough for them to release me and they walk down the hall, holding a harrowing conversation about whether if it's normal that I have headaches for no apparent reason. But the reason is Spencer, and indeed I blame the lack of good quality sleep, but I want to look for reasons to distance myself a little more from him.

A sort of small sudden whisper makes me turn my head a little to the left, and before I can suspect some moment of paranoia I perceive the feeling of a heavy look placed directly over me.

"Your inner psychic voice confuses me, say it and done".

"I would really like to hear your definition of, and I'm making quotes, 'I had a bad day'" I roll my eyes and reach out very reluctantly.

I hear a snort with a hint of derision leaving her and she takes my hand, we both enter into my room and I close the door behind her. I hear her whispering a few things about the new 'decoration' I just give to my room. I guess it's weird that an almost completely perfectionist and aligned decoration is now decorating the always clean and smooth carpet.

"I hope you haven't done this sort of things in my room, little brother" she raises a couple of broken glasses, surely from some photograph that found a tragic fate against the wall.

"You don't need to worry, I just got rid of what I found on my way here" she continues collecting the pieces of glass while I skip the bookshelf and drop myself on my bed.

"Well, I like the new style you chose to decorate, it's very… explosive" I'm reflecting false modesty and a touch of hatred in the face that I give to her, "and I must say that at least I'm glad that your small collection of… special books remains in good condition" I close my eyelids and take a deep breath.

"If you weren't my sister I would have set my foot in your way and enjoyed the landing for saying so" she sits next to me and pinches my cheek in the same way in which granny does every weekend when we can visit her in the nursing home; dad's still unhappy with her decision to live in a place like that, but for what I can remember she looks pretty happy living there.

"You really are a charming person" she stops playing with my helpless skin and slides my right index on the cover of the book in her hands finger. "What does it say here?" I shrug.

"Carrie…" I say and the weird image made by touch that I have from the face of Spencer seems to take possession of my fingertips. I feel the tingle but now I don't know if I like what I feel at the thought.

"King?" I nod as an answer. "I don't remember that mom bought it".

"Spencer gave it to me on our birthday".

Madison gasps a few times while I pull my hand, I don't know what she beats by flipping through the book if the one who can understand it it's me, besides Spencer with this new task that he's dedicated to make surely because he had nothing better to do than learn a new language.

"My God, that's so cute!" she puts her arm around my shoulders but immediately I get tense and move her away.

"Shut up, Madison" the seriousness takes me by surprise but that doesn't stop her to take a couple of more jumps before staying still. I could believe that she left if I wasn't listening to her breathing on the left.

"I have a very little but accurate suspicion that your entire tantrum has something to do with him" I'm back to close my eyes and this time my upper lip trembles, a sign of mourning. I bite it with enough force to kill it if it had own-life. "What happened?".

I get up out of bed and shuffle to the window, I open it inward so hard that it hits the wall and yet it's not broken. I take out my head to fill my lungs with a little of the night air and the sound of the crickets jumping from side to side. The annoying birds decided to go to sleep now, ready to wake me up early tomorrow morning.

"Spencer came to visit me" I say when I get straight in my place, thinking that maybe it wasn't a bad idea to accompany Madison to search for a new color of paint to decorate her room.

"Did he learn how to use the machine?" she asks at the distance, I guess she's expecting me to rejoin her in the next few seconds, which I'm not going to do.

"Sadly the opportunity never came" I let myself a quick sigh before sitting in the window frame and supposedly focusing my eyes to the light poles on the sidewalk and the stars that should adorn the night.

It's cold enough to not being walking around barefoot and with the arms discovered, sleep with the heater on and lots of blankets on top, but now that's the least of my worries.

"Why not?" she inquires after almost a minute of silence.

Now her voice sounds a bit closer, she must have moved to the other side of the bed to make sure that my natural clumsiness doesn't play me a bad joke, but right now I don't imagine such a disgusting joke.

If I could define myself in a set of words I could say that I'm an accident that walks, and if I'm honest with myself for not having been Spencer who caused all of this then I would have most likely been the cause of my own destruction.

"Because he said… things… the kind of things that can change people's life".

I hear her heavy breathing while I gently rock from right and left, alternating between if I would fall on the comfort of the carpet in my room or lying on the grass in the backyard below. I don't know why I find doing this so totally entertaining.

"Oh, Mason" she says, and I'm starting to believe that that is her favorite phrase.

"And as you can see, since yeah you can, I didn't take it in a good way" I lift my left leg and put it in the window frame, "but I will say that I did it when I was pretty sure he was far away".

"That doesn't improve the situation of the things, Mason" now her tone becomes that scolding tone that always has to be present. I already missed it. "Now Spencer will think that you don't like him either, and then…".

"Hey, hey, wait a second" I lift my hands, like if she was moving in my direction and I really could stop her.

My attention focus in the direction from which her voice comes, I get up and something like surprise intermingled with some anger and some mockery begins to erupt inside of me. Right now it's a moment that I would like to not be part of the reality.

"What are you talking about?" I raise an eyebrow a bit.

"And what are _you_ talking about?" she asks, and she should know that I hate when she use what I've said against me although she modifies it. "You just said that during his visit he said things that change people's life, so I figured out I would come home and my twin brother would have a cute boyfriend by his side".

"D-did you knew it?" my thoughts seems something like a train wreck and the drivers are about to beat the crap out of each other. I don't know if it's the drivers or me against her for hiding something as big as that. "Oh my God, Madison! You knew it!" I point at her in the most accusingly way that I'm able, but I don't know if I'm pointing her.

"I know many things, I'd appreciate if you were a little more specific" I hate the smile that is on her face right now.

"Don't make a fool of yourself, you knew that…!" I stay quiet for a moment, I'm not sure how well mom and dad would take that. You knew that Spencer is in love with me".

She stays quiet, a moment that only causes that my temper keeps rising like the foam of a cappuccino. And now that I think about it, I guess the new attachment of coffee repeatedly has something to do with my lack of sleep. «Thank you, Spencer».

"He's not in love with you, although…" I raise an eyebrow and growl a little, "no, he's not, he just likes you, and in case you were wondering is not the same".

"One thing leads to the other, we both know it" I'm about to sit next to her in the bed but I remember that I'm upset, or at least I´m trying to maintain that composure. "But that doesn't matter, you knew it!".

"Dear Mason" she says, feigning a funny accent that we used to use when we were seven years old, "I must confess that all the students of McKinley are fully aware of the affection of the said Spencer Porter to you".

"You're kidding… right?" I ask, not sure about wanting to hear any response.

"I just tell you, all the students. I'm moving my hands to tell you that EVERYONE that pays a little attention can notice it".

I don't know if I like when she tells me what she's doing before talking to me.

My knees tremble and again I feel dizzy, I didn't think that was possible now that there are no visual stimuli that can get it, but I think that one has nothing to do with the other. Anyway, right now the cold air coming through the window seems to come to the depths of my spinal cord and freeze until the last of my nerve endings.

"Madison…" I move into my place, completely uncomfortable.

"Spencer is the most obvious person of all that I've ever met, he can't stop looking at you in the choir room and neither in the hallways, I could almost say that he sighs when you're close… or well, when you were close" I shrug and rock in my toes. "Who cares! Now that you shut him out you can't act on what you feel for him".

"I don't have feelings for him".

I don't know what number of silence is in which we just plunge, but whatever it is it's broken when a laugh comes out of Madison, like if it really were the best joke of the universe.

"I suggest that before bed you repeat that as often as it's necessary until you believe it".

I listen her getting up and letting out a long snort, the bones of all of her body cracks while I guess she's doing flexions and stretches to take away a bit of drowsiness that always causes when someone enters in my room. I blame it to the color of the walls.

"I haven't finished".

"Okay" I move back to my position in the window frame, now my leg is freely swinging on the side of the house, and right now this seems to me one more addition to the dark ideas, "but just answer me if…".

"If your question involves Spencer and if I feel something for him then I'll just gonna tell you that I don't know".

"At least you recognize that there could be something, that's a breakthrough" I roll my eyes and snarl heartily. "Anyway, returning that he come to visit you, what did he say?".

"He said that it was him who did this to me" I wave my right hand in front of my face, but that doesn't seem to surprise her too much.

"Oh, I already knew that" I concentrate and I don't remember that she was present at the field in the last ten minutes of the game.

"You weren't there at the end of the game, I remember it well" I hit my right temple with the forefinger.

"I needed to go to the ladies bathroom, but when I returned I saw when Spencer crashed with the pyramid and when everything collapsed" her voice's shaking, and I don't think it is for the cold, "I was the first to shout for help".

Since I still have a couple of questions I tell her what Spencer came to tell, with a few stupid comments about how exhausting that day had been and that Kitty really wanted us to give a good show, but mostly the three of us.

She nods with her throat when the question is straightforward, she fills a little the gaps in the sequence of all that day, and neither with the best of my efforts I achieve that amnesia to disappear a little, even it seems to be determined to stay. Although I'd understand it, it's a traumatic event anyway, and I read somewhere that the brain prefers to get rid of it to continue business as usual.

"So… it's true, all is true" I conclude, shrugging and speaking more to the vacuum of the outside than to her.

"It's obvious, do you think he would made up something like that?".

"Alistair made his best to try to cover him up" I say like if it wasn't a big deal, and it's not one really.

"Hmm, I thought he would be determined with it, or so I understand when he asked me for advice".

I growl very loud and move from the window, I walk shuffling, meeting with a few splinters in my way, and I put my hands on the desk next to the bathroom's door.

"Why do you hide things?" I ask, feeling somewhat hurt.

"Now what are you talking about?" she snarls, desperate.

"You just told me that Spencer asked you for advice to tell me what happened, that means that you probably also told him that maybe I feel something for him" I accuse her again, and that last part though is somewhat real I don't want it to be known. "Why do you do it?".

"For you, Mason! I do it because of you!".

I turn on the desk and sit in it, smashing a couple of sheets of paper and feeling that the dizziness is present again. In my next free time I'll get to spin to make sure if it's possible get dizzy without seeing the around.

Madison hide things for my fault, the accident that walks is looking for his own ways to distance himself from the others. The stubborn that walks continues making his rounds, and he really believes that it's all about highly entertaining activities that fun anyone, that everyone can tolerate it.

People have limits, mine have been very low since I woke up a few months ago, and the tolerance of the others to my nonsenses will not last forever. I want to change, but I can't.

"There are people who are trying to be close to you and be aware of you, like your family or Spencer, and the only thing you do it to cut them out in the worst mode you are able to" her voice breaks in the middle of the sentence but still she's trying to sound like if nothing was happening.

If I could I'll move away the look and focus it on the carpet where my feet, that doesn't stop moving, are trying to find a way to dig a deeper hole and take me across the world, far from the people I'm hurting and moving away.

"If we weren't brothers don't doubt that I could tell you to fuck off since when you decided to behave like that".

"Madison…".

She lets out a shrill scream and leaves, rushing over and kicking (if not that she trips over) with the bookshelf before slamming the door behind her. The sound reverberates throughout the whole room, even seems that the window glasses were about to give in by the blast.

I slide my hands on the desk and threw whatever that's there down, I move to the right and take the door, locking myself back into the bathroom, completely and with the latch. I stretch my hands and I cling to the sink, I growl to my reflection and show him the teeth, just like the rabid animal that I am now.

"I hate you!" I take the porcelain soap dish that mom bought in Texas and throw it towards the mirror, listening that it breaks into thousands of pieces. When they fall a few make small cuts on my feet.

«I'm so stupid, so oblivious of myself, someone who's only there to upset the world. A walking accident, something not useful; another hindrance in the list of lots of people that keep the world overpopulated».

One less makes no difference. Now the dark ideas seem the best.

I take a piece of broken glass and without thinking even once I cut down the length of my right forearm, warm scarlet roads leads to the palm of my hand and begin to leak before I can change the piece of mirror to the opposite hand and make half of another cut on my left forearm; the glass falls and splashes a little.

It feels good, it's a liberating feeling to some extent, although the blood tingling sliding continues, but is the least of my worries now. No more need to hurt others, no more desire for truth, no unspoken words and acts unrealized; no more anything, that if I didn't feel listless, suddenly so heavy and with the cold that tends on me like a blanket that makes it a thousand times worse.

"Shit, shit, shit" I take the towel hanging beside the sink, too small to be a good bandage.

I open wide my eyes when a sudden sleepiness comes over me, worse than the times that I sleep in class or in the library, a hundred thousand times worse than I could imagine, cold sweat runs down the back of my neck while it seems to me that the bathroom twirls fast and slowly at unequal times, again I'm back to ask if I may feel dizzy, but this time there is any doubt that that's happening.

"Mason" Madison says after knocking a couple of times at the door. I'm so dizzy that I don't doubt that if I could see then the door would be moving in weird angles, "mom wants to know if you want fries with your dinner".

I open my mouth but I don't emit any sound, the headache seems to take control over me and decides to make me release screams of pain and snorting like if I were done vomiting, which I will at any time.

"Mason, I'm talking to you".

I take the deepest breath than I'm possible and take a step toward the door, but when I move another I slip with the huge puddle that represents the blood coming out of my arms, which continues to grow.

"If you don't want to go down to dinner then just say so".

I move another pair of trembling steps, enough to be a little closer to the door. Now I try to speak but nothing comes out more than terrifying exhalations from me, if I had view it would be clouded more each time and the polar cold that seems to cover the whole house seems to center around me.

"M-Madison…" I managed to whisper and reach towards the latch on the door, ready to go out and ask for help… that just before falling down.

I raise my head a little, enough to hear through the slot under the door to Madison going from side to side behind the door, also perceiving that the blood coming out of my arm don't stop.

«You see what happens? This is the kind of things that happens when you decide to make stupid decisions and go for the easy way. The dark ideas can be powerful, but you swore to ignore them… it make no sense to continue talking with you», my inner voice barks instead of telling her what's happening.

"Ma-…" I close my eyes when I hear that she stands in front of the door again, and going back a couple of steps. "Mom, dad, something happened with Mason!"

The sounds of her footsteps running are low and deep, his voice became a bit more distant with every word, to the point where it sounds to millions of kilometers away… the point where, supposedly, I'll be watching what they all do, where I'll see how they suffer for the accident that walks. Suffering for me, something totally unfair.

When the door suddenly opens it's like if the heat were entering again, radiant and making everything around me to lose the consistency, making everything to float; I'm at the end of my tunnel. I'm not ready to go, but I think that's not up to me…

Goodbye mom… goodbye dad… goodbye Madison…

Goodbye… goodbye Spencer…


	12. I need help

I'm so sorry for this chapter for being kind of short, but I think I could get out something good. Fav, follow or review, enjoy it :)

* * *

 **I need help**

Somehow all of that seemed surreal, like if that little incident had happened to someone totally different from me: the visit to the emergency room at the hospital, the stitches in my arms, the insertion of blood, being hospitalized, having in mind a million of times how many people would go to my funeral in the given case of death, and wait, and wait, and wait…

However here I am, moving in my fluffy and airy place, uncomfortable and upset, remembering the conversation that Madison had with mom and dad about what happened earlier this week in Seattle, all along the way before we get here: our song list for the performance based on Little Mix, Arcade Fire and Coldplay, how we had such a very good time in there and how we did to get the first place in Nationals.

Some of the weirdest parts was when just before the announcement of the winner I could find and take Jane's hand, my head moved as a reflex for the so sudden touch but I could make it to give her a smile, although… whatever the thing that was between us now is gone in a very sudden way, like when you blow off on a candle.

I hear a little clicking before a pen slides on a piece of paper, surely she's writing something.

"You can insist all that you want, I'm not going to say a single word about it" I move my legs closer as I can to my chest and I focus on not guiding my eyes straight ahead.

"Sure, whatever it takes to keep you comfortable" Dr. Watson speaks, saying each word with a friendly tone, and I hate it too much, "but I'm glad you're here today".

I don't know if it's her horrible act of goodwill or what, but this annoys me, it makes me feel more uncomfortable than I already do. Her good intentions don't prevent me from rolling my eyes, huff and stretch my legs forward, hitting the desk that's between us.

Although I could see that would have been an intentional act.

"Sorry" I say anyway.

"Don't worry, Mason, anyway I'm still looking for ways to get rid of this old thing" she knocks the wood with her knuckles and lets out a chuckle. I reply with a wry smile.

Meredith Anne Watson, a woman of about forty and something years old, doctor of the psychological service funded by the insurance of the Cheerios, specialized in clinical psychology and crisis intervention. Right on the target with the highest score.

Mom and dad didn't hesitate a second when coach Washington suggested this, according to what they say, and they believe that I didn't listen to them, because now they think that I have suicidal thoughts.

Perhaps they're right, too much, because at first everything seemed to be fascinating and great, but then I noticed it was another one of those stupid things that only someone like can me have in mind, too painful and slow; an accident, like me, and one that will not happen again.

"Then, let's talk about…".

"Like I said before, Meredith, that's not of your concern" I shrug.

I don't like talking to strangers, although I so much respect the work that people like her are dedicated to make and invest in much if it's not their whole life. Although I never expected to be on the other side of the desk at any point. And it's stupid, if a person doesn't talk to strangers then you can't socialize.

"Mason, is very common that in people with your same disability arises these ideas and thoughts of that kind" she says, like if she was doubting whether or not to say it.

"Suicidal thoughts" I continued with her phrase, "but it was a simple mistake because I think I would have occurred a thousand faster and less painful ways if I intended to die".

"In times like those people don't think very clearly" she concludes, hitting in a good point.

"Then I'll say that it was an accident that will not happen again" I do a cross over my heart with my left hand and I raise the right hand, "I swear it on my blindness".

I hear the clicking again and more writing, now it seems that her hand moves faster. I rub one of my hands against the other, like if the weather was really cold, and I move on my place, now curious for knowing what that I'm saying seems so important.

"Why are you writing?" she pauses, like if she just realized that I can hear her doing it.

"Oh, don't pay much attention to me, just some occurrences and things that I consider important".

"Like what?".

She doesn't answers, or I think that she ignores the question, because she begins to hum a lullaby, one that I've heard in a series of videogames and I find it highly reassuring.

"You mentioned something about your blindness, you were born that way?" I shake my head no and I tense a small smile. "The information that I received is incorrect then… but it doesn't matter, I would like to hear what happened".

A spasm invades my body, just like such a violent electric shock that would put down to anyone, which makes me shrink in the comfortable seat in which I've been moving in for about twenty minutes. The only thing that I'm doing is to waste time to get out of here as soon as it's possible, and the desperate cries that can be heard in the next room doesn't improve in the least this whole awkward situation.

"It was for a falling in a football game".

"Wow, I didn't know that you were an athlete".

"Actually I was a cheerleader, one of the best if I can brag" she accompanied me in my little laugh.

"I get it, I get it" she clears her throat and loses a quick sigh, "then, a falling?" I nod in response.

"Yeah, I was on the top of the human pyramid and this guy crashed against us".

"You know who did it?" I snort and shrug.

"Yeah" I answer, but the silence that follows it tells me that Dr. Watson wants to hear a bit more of it "he's one of my classmates, that's obvious, and we were partners in the Glee club".

"You also sing?" she asks somewhat amazed, I reply with a nod. "I never had such a talented patient".

«That's what I am now? A patient? A source of income? Someone to who she can stick like a leech to get out all the money that she's able to get? If this weren't being paid by the insurance money from the Cheerios then I would get out of here in the first five minutes that there was only silence».

"You said you _were_ partners in the Glee club, what happened to make that happen?".

I close my eyelids and I can still hear the applause and shouts of the crowd, and even I can remember how good that sounded the voices of all of us joining in the last chords of _Viva la Vida_. Spencer and I had segments of the song in which we sang it together, and it was a strange feeling because we never had a session to practice together.

"Let's just say that we're not on very good terms, it was him who told me what happened" I clear my throat when a little discomfort comes over me.

"I read that in your file, a slight degree of retrograde amnesia" I cock a smile and respond with another nod. "Do you have resentment against him for what happened?".

Many things disturbs inside of my thoughts, but most ranges in the frictions, awkward moments and weird silences that has existed between Spencer and I, too notorious to enable them to go under the water; one Friday we chatted like old friends and the following Monday the dividing line was more noticeable than the Berlin Wall.

Say yes would definitely rise up something that would keep Spencer as far away from me that it can be, but saying that I have no resentment would be a huge lie. I'm in the middle point.

"I don't know" I say no more, and she goes back to write.

I can't stand being around him, I try to not count the time when we are in the choir room, or when we all chat in the hallways and I know that he's there, silent and obeying the orders that I gave him. Although I must have to admit it, I miss a little having him around. Just a little.

"When I was in college I was tempted to enter the Glee club, what do they do there?" I let out a long sigh.

"We sing what our directors want, but I guess that if it was somehow different then we could sing whatever that we wanted" I wouldn't like to imagine what Kurt and Rachel would think if they hear that I'm complaining. "We make weekly assignments and occasionally we make competitions between us and against other schools".

"And do you have friends there?".

"Yes, the six leading members from this year: Roderick, Jane Spencer, my sister Madison and Kitty, after that Myron and Alistair arrived, and in the end the odious Warblers".

"Okay, now I'd like to hear a little about your family and home dynamics".

I'm not sure what she means by that, but all I do is to talk about what we do every day, since we get up to go to school until we return home, when Madison and I end up with our homework (things that I don't do anymore) we spent the rest of the evening in the living room, they watching television and I stuck into _Carrie_ and _The Little Prince_ , each one for the fifth time.

I say to her that from time to time we go out to dinner at Breadstix and in rarely occasions we go to Columbus to spend time as a family. I tell her that they complain that they haven't heard me sing in the shower for a long time ago and that, according to them, my conversations have become from very long and whole litanies to simple monosyllabic, denials with my head and nods.

In all the time that I speak I hear her passing a sheet of paper after another, surely filling them with information that I think will stay in a classified file and among us. I really appreciate that we weren't doing this at the community college, I wouldn't like to know that there are people behind a glass listening to me and taking notes and then begin discussing how lost I can be, or if I have a chance of salvation.

"And your friends?" she asks, sounding a little exhausted.

I take a deep breath and say the most relevant thing of each one, although it's not too much information to say because I haven't spent so much time alone with each one. Most of the information goes to Madison, for obvious reasons, Jane for being the first one to treat me well on my first day back at McKinley, and Spencer for being… Spencer, the cause of my blindness, of feelings that I never had, and I think I can say that he's my closest male friend.

"Are you currently in a relationship?" she asks without me ceasing to hear the pen moving on the paper.

"What kind of relationship are we talking about?" I pretend, again I'm in my task of reaching the time limit. Somewhere I have heard that this kind of situations don't last more than forty-five minutes.

"Love-relationship, do you currently find yourself in one?" she recovers the friendly tone that she has been directing at me all the time.

"I don't understand what that has to do with the fact that there are bandages on my arms" I stretch them as proof but she just knocks the desk. I thought I was the impatient one, although I understand that she's in that spirit after treating me.

"Let's go to something else then, have you been…?"

"No, Dr. Meredith, I don't find myself in a love relationship right now".

Speaking it seems to move off a load from me, but it brings to light the fact that I miss feeling the slightly thick fingers of Spencer entwined with mine, my head on his shoulder, enjoy his closeness and how good he made me feel. I want him to heal my soul again.

"Is there any specific reason why you are not in one?".

"I think not" another silence: she wants to hear more. "I used to feel something for Jane, but I couldn't define exactly how I felt about it".

"Any approach?" she inquires.

"She was the first girl who gave me a good treatment when I get back to school, I spent time with her and even there had a couple of dates involved".

"What changed in your relationship?".

«Spencer, that changed», I think, therefore I regret it.

"Did you say something?" she asks. I cover my mouth with my right hand, feeling a kind of tension in the forearm. I move my fingers to avoid the feeling.

"I said that we distance ourselves a bit… it was like a moment when someone gets in and new feelings arise for that new person".

"The new person that you refer to has a specific name?".

I'm speechless for a moment, a little stunned, thinking that whatever that I say next can and would set the course of my life. Although I should be like Spencer and not fall into any human activity to put names to things and seek explanations, stereotypes and look for reasons to despise the differences.

"I just said it" I'm back to get in my position of annoyance.

"You told me that what was with Jane is…".

"I said it after you asked what had changed between us" she seems to notice it because she makes a strange sound, like if she gulps but also was shocked.

"Spencer?" she asks. "Do you have feelings for Spencer?".

"I think so…" I prepare myself for a conversation that I couldn't even had with my parents, although I don't think it's a brilliant idea to stand in front of them and say 'mom, dad, I think I'm gay and maybe I have feelings for Spencer'. "I never before had doubted about my sexual orientation until he came into my life".

That sounds like a cheap drama of the bad produced television series, but right now it seems to be all my life.

"It's common for someone of your age to be curious or even have the desire to act on certain kinds of desires, that's not something for what you should be ashamed of or something that you should fear or flee".

"But does it make sense? I couldn't see any of the two people for whom I developed feelings to but I know that there was and is something for them right now, would that be?".

"Any person would say yes because it's a feeling that comes straight from the heart, I could give you a physiological explanation of what happens in the process of falling in love but even I find it very boring" she laughs, like if she was confessing a big secret.

"Then my heart is an idiot and wants to see me suffer because it can't decide" I scratch the right bandage, the little tape with which the bands are attached to me itches, but I stop scratching when I think that I don't want to go back to the hospital because of the broken stitches.

"I think I can help you a little with that in the last few minutes we have of this session" I sigh of relief, therefore for knowing that she 'can help' as to know that we're about to finish.

"That would be very helpful" I untie my knot made of my limbs and I relax my shoulders.

"Close your eyelids" «I guess she have done that in another context for me to relax a little». "Now take a deep breath. Inhale and exhale slowly. Inhale… exhale… inhale… exhale…".

I do it and I feel somewhat relaxed, I really feel my arms slack and even now I can hear the birds flying and whistling outside the consulting room window. I was hospitalized for three days, just in time for Nationals, and now the birds are almost new to me, but when I get home and listen to the nest on the tree outside the window I will detest them again.

"Do you know the faces of the people around you?".

"Not all of them" we both sigh. I do it a little for feeling defeated, I'm not quite sure why she does it. "Only my family and some others I've seen walking around, although they all begin to become blurry".

I dread the sudden thought that at some point I might forget how my own face looks like.

"Do you have any way to get to know your surroundings?".

"Yes, by touch, although you don't get a good definition with that" I throw up my hands and shook them, remembering that the doctors said I shouldn't do very fast movements yet.

"'That can work" she says, recovering a bit of her good spirits. "I want you to think about the best place that can exist in the world; your favorite place in the world".

Although I used to love to travel, learn everything that could offer a new place where we went on vacation, meet many new people and all of that, my favorite place is my bedroom. There is everything that I like to listen, read, eat and even ignore, there I have privacy, I can do a thousand of things there and keep feeling comfortable.

"I got it" I say, feeling somewhat relaxed thinking that I'm sitting on the mattress of my bed and not here.

"Now I want you to focus in all your feelings at the tips of your fingers just like your whole body, feel how the blood flows and how each part has its own life, although we all don't pay too much attention to our body".

I focus, and I succeed, I focus on knowing what my feet feels, feeling trapped in my favorite pair of sneakers, the sensation of the jeans on my legs, the baggy shirt on my chest and the bandages on my arms, the movement my dead eyes and a tingling in the fingers. It's an interesting feeling, I'll do it more often when I have nothing to do.

"Now, imagine that someone comes into your favorite place, the person you're willing to share your space".

I hear the door opening slowly, so slowly that it almost despairs me. A couple of steps approaches in a somewhat fast pace, I slid to the floor, sitting on my knees, and the person who just entered does the same. We both breathe a little hectic and now the tingling extends all over my body.

"Okay" I say slowly.

"Focus on your hands, let your body and that the presence of that person makes you feel tell you everything that your mind is trying to decipher".

I raised my right arm, directing towards the person, just before the person does the same and the palms of our hands finds. On the right hand I can feel something short and rough, rubbing like when a cat wants someone to pet it.

I open a little my fingers and the other person entwines shakily its fingers with mine, thick and harsh for all the exercises to which he invests so much time and dedication. Spencer is on my favorite place in the world, and he is more than welcome.

"Who is the person who accompanies you in your favorite place?".

"I can't say it" I answer, because again I'm afraid of what people may say about it. The old me comes over to control me for a moment. "But I've deciphered it, I'm sure of that".

"Now you can open the eyelids, the session is over".

I don't know why I thought that doing so I could also recover my sight and I could see the woman who has been doing her approaching interview with me for what seemed like hours, but I rub my hands against my thighs to remove the sensation of tingling and return to being the bastard that nobody can stands that I've have been lately.

"So, what do I have?" I question, moving slightly forward, like if I were really interested in it. "Will I need to be medicated?".

"Psychologists don't prescribe medication" she says, sounding a little stiff and somewhat offended. "But you have a family and a group of friends who really cares about you, as well as people for whom you result being attractive for several reasons".

"I don't like that…".

"What comes next is a very direct question" she interrupts me, I don't know if she can do that, but either way I bite my lower lip a little, "and we will work with the answer for all the sessions that we have able" she clears her throat and the springs from her seat yield at her weight, I guess she moved forward. "What do you consider that is the problem?".

I'm about to release the first thing that comes to my mind, everybody, when something stops me, like a boost to not commit a stupid act and think the things well.

She and Madison said it, people are there for me, but I am who wants them to be away, who wants to maintain a dividing line between where people can step in and where they have to leave me alone. My border for doing things alone expands in horrible proportions, and that alienates everyone. The problem…

"It's me" I say, my voice cracks and I sink into my place, leaving everything to go out transformed into tears. "I'm upset, I'm extremely sad, I feel lonely, confused, scared and wanting to scream" I bite my lower lip hard and I kick back her desk, this time accepting the consequences of what she can tell me. "I need help".

I cross my arms, my hands finds with the bandages still covering the stitches and that makes me shrink in my place, on the verge of falling to the floor, which right now sounds like a very comfortable place.

I think that something worse than going through the streets completely naked is this, having an emotional breakdown in front of a complete stranger, giving information that neither I wanted to conclude and hearing some things that in short tells me 'you're an awful person'.

"I'm here to help you" she says and now her voice sounds very close.

I move my head to the right, where her voice comes, and she moves one of my hands to give me a box of tissues. Her hand stays one second holding mine, and again that makes me wonder again in her protocols, but nonetheless I move that aside and throw me to the front, wrapping a complete stranger in a hug.

"Me, your circle of friends and your family are here to help you, you don't have to keep feeling alone".

She stands motionless while I sob on her shoulder, after a minute or two her hand starts moving up and down my back, tracing circles and whispering that everything will be fine, like when mom did that when I fell off the bike and I scraped my knees.

Someone knocks on the door and it immediately opens, one of her receptionists tells her that her next patient, who is named as 'Miss Rose' has come for her session, besides that my parents had come to answer the series of questions that had been promised when she ended up with me. I use the box of tissues to make sure that there are no more tears streaming down my eyes and my nose is not an excessive fountain of mucus.

"I hope to keep seeing you around, Mason" she says, with some excitement spreading out of her voice while she accompanies me to the waiting room of the consulting room.

"I need help, remember?" I say, arching an eyebrow.

"I know, but…" she rambles a bit, trying to link a couple of ideas and muttering some other things that I can't understand. "I hope to see you next week, okay?".

"Of course, Dr. Watson" I stretch the cane and I shake her hand with my left hand, my free one.

Dad puts a hand on my shoulder and makes me to sit in one of the chairs near the exit, he goes back to where Dr. Watson is and he and mom enters to her office.

I shake the right leg on the floor while Madison talks to me about I don't know what, I stopped listening to her when a few things popped up inside my head. I can find my way out, and indeed I will need the support of Dr. Watson, everything will come back to its place if I stop acting like an asshole…

Madison takes my right hand and I shrug, thinking in the last moments of the session.

"Are you okay?" I nod and smile as an answer, but I think that a few things are going to keep being on hiatus.


	13. I shouldn't come back

I don't know if you guys were punishing me or if Glee is actually being forgotten or what but I had an entire week without a single visitor, and that makes me sad. But anyway I'm still standing and here's another chapter, this story will last until chapter 20 so enjoy it, and I hope that anyone reads this story again :) (And sorry for the late update but FF got crazy yesterday).

* * *

 **I shouldn't come back**

Although in theory I shouldn't learn a thing about the diagnosis from Dr. Watson, supposedly because I would start to believe it and I could start doing things to really believe that I have her verdict, adding to it that I had to blackmail dad so he read it out to me, I think it's very accurate and precise, almost as the assumptions on which I worked on for a couple of days before resorting to the now nothing brightly dark ideas.

The most that I can remember are signs of depression and anxiety, conflict of identity and preferences (in which fortunately he didn't ask any single questions), problems in the past and ongoing socialization, partial neglect of the suicidal thoughts (I could have put total in that part) and, according to dad highlighted in bold black letters, readiness for change and the intervention.

Her suggestions indicate sleep and rest, which I did yesterday sleeping most of the day, just waking up to eat something and visit the toilet, interaction in the family center, as always, and being away a couple of days from the school environment.

I have letters that will perfectly justify my absences, however I end up putting up the thickest jacket that I have at my disposal along with a scarlet beanie that mom gave me just because she wanted to. Either way that it's too early of the day the weather decided to get nuts, but there was no snow.

It will be my first Christmas in which I'm not going to be able to see anything of what I enjoy most in my favorite date.

Now I have no desire to chalk it up to Spencer, and now that I think about it I have no desire of many things, not even in the delicious breakfast that mom's cooking downstairs. I think that was also on her list of diagnoses.

"Madison!" I shout, and in two seconds she enters to my room. "How does Dr. Watson named it when I didn't want to do anything?".

"Anhedonia" she answers, sighing.

"That" I say, and though I don't see the point on it I let a lock of my hair left on my forehead. I need a haircut as soon as possible.

"I think you should listen to Dr. Watson and stay home, McKinley will continue being there and it will continue being just as boring".

"So it is being here locked up all the time".

"You're not locked up here all the time, we went out for a walk and occasionally we go to downtown".

"You know what I mean".

But to be honest I don't even know what I'm talking about.

I guess that the lack of sleep is something that makes me rant a little, but now is not because I don't have the sun, and the countless number of clocks in the house, to tell me the time of day in which I live. No, it's something else, like the feeling of something slope that is very important and that has to be done before anything else.

Later I'll find out what's that about.

"You said something?" she whispers, and instead of apologizing for my soliloquy I limit myself to continue with my morning routine.

"I said I'm hungry, let's go downstairs".

I take my backpack and drag my feet to leave, I find the door when I touch it with my right forefinger and I also meet with Madison, but instead of taking her arm I just step over and go down the stairs, bending in the hallway and entering in the kitchen, listening to my stomach growling freely by the aroma of the delicious breakfast that surely lies on the table.

Which interrupts the colliding of the cutlery against the material of the dishes are the snorts and denigrating comments from dad by the last game between the Baltimore Ravens against the Washington Redskins.

He insists that it was a robbery and that his favorites, the Ravens, had to win because it was a landslide victory. Although I used to devote myself to cheer the games I never put adequate attention or found the great interest of many for that kind of sport, although I don't deny that they're beasts who know very well what they do.

Or well… some of them, others are dedicated to accidentally hurt others.

In the car to striving towards McKinley everything is different, mom and dad brings back Nationals, they're asking questions to Madison again almost in the same order in which they always do. I guess that they expect that I say or discuss something, but last night I decided it would be better if I listen instead of answering.

"We really hate not being present at Nationals, but you know that we had to work" dad says, lamenting like for the twentieth time so far this week, and it's just beginning.

"We can see the videos later" they all stay quiet, waiting for me to comment anything about that.

"Whatever, it's fine".

My answer seems to be satisfactory to all of them because they sigh of relief and the road plunges into absolute silence, the kind where everyone has something to say but in the end nobody dares to say anything.

I stretch the beanie until it covers my nose, thing that never bothered mom that I do, and I put my head against the window, thinking about how people would be like out of the car and in the traffic lights with the red one above, all shivering and wishing to be in a better place. Probably in front of the fireplace, or maybe with hot chocolate in their hands, or simply being tucked into bed without moving.

I'd rather do that and much more instead of going on my way to school, but again the contradiction of my thoughts would make me growl like a thousand times for being locked up in the spacious yet secluded walls of the house. What am I lacking of?

"We're finally here" dad announces turning the car in 'u' and parking. I open my eyelids and take off my beanie, realizing from the fatigue that poured on me that I fell asleep for about fifteen minutes, nearly a record in my score of naps in the last couple of weeks.

"Mason, honey, you know that you don't have to…".

"I know, mom, but I want to do it" Madison opens the car door of the right side, the place where she has always traveled since I can remember, and she surrounds the car until my door opens.

"You know that if you need anything you can go to the infirmary and we'll be here in a blink".

"Yeah, yeah, have a good day at work".

"Have a good day, son" dad removes the beanie for a moment and he tousles my hair, leaving the lock of hair right where I wanted. "And I hope you do it great in practice, princess".

"Yeah, dad, see you later".

I get out of the car and take Madison by her right arm, she gives me directions of small puddles that were frozen by the sudden drop in temperature and I avoid unnecessary slipping and tripping.

Being back in circulation is good, I almost forget about the sounds of locker doors whipping everywhere, the voices of everyone greeting everyone to reflect how popular they are. And yeah, there are also the mumbling about that I'm back here along with the people whispering that something happens between Madison and me, as usual.

We're simply the best twins in the world, get over it!

"I thought Kitty was kidding when she said you were coming back" Roderick says when we come back to a point I'll never be able to find on my own in the hallways.

I stretch my right hand, thus splitting myself from Madison, and he answers with a firm grip and a light hug, Alistair does the same and Myron waves my hand about a hundred thousand times, expressing how much he's glad that I'm back and that finally he will have someone able to understand a little of his likes. I don't know if that means that I have the mental age of a child or the same likes of a child of the age of Myron. Whatever it is, it's not good.

"Mason!" Jane's voice says, so suddenly that it makes me jump.

She comes closer and hugs me tightly, but I don't feel anymore those butterflies in my stomach, the sweltering heat on my cheeks and neither the warm feeling all over my body. Everything is done here, and it ended in a good way, without extremely long and redundant talks.

I start to think that they all came to visit me for my new hospital stay, although the nurses were too rude with them and they didn't let them to stay more than a minute or two, so it's good to be among them.

"I wonder what becomes so interesting for Spencer to run off so fast" says Alistair, and it also reminds me that not everyone knows what happened between us, "he was here a second ago".

"He's been acting weird lately" Roderick whispers, like if he does so to himself but also failing incredibly.

"I know" Jane says on my left, continuing his idea, "I've also noticed that he sneaks when he can, what he will bring up to?".

"It's a great mystery that can never be resolved, but perhaps now he's gone to deafen someone" I'm the only one who laughs at that.

They all stay in a weird and uncomfortable silence, totally foreign to the noise of the hallway, the loud conversations, the whipping of the locker doors; foreign in the morning routine of a school. The conversation turns to direct questions and answers with monosyllables and sounds in the throat.

I move the tip of my right foot on the floor, thinking that if I do it with enough strength and speed I can dig a hole and live like a mole in the bowels of the Earth, who wouldn't hesitate to spit me out for behaving such like the big idiot that I am now.

Madison asks me the combination of my locker and within seconds I have a couple of heavy books on my hands and an extra weight on the shoulders, the weight of my nonsenses and litigation without reason to exist.

I leave the group and Madison brings me to the Geography classroom, she lets me in my place and leaves without saying a word. I leave my books on the table and place my arms over them, then my head finds a comfortable place and I close my eyes, listening how the sound of the talks, the start of school bell ringing and the sound of the voice of Ms. Doosenbury starts fading slowly and increasingly…

* * *

"The Warblers are really harmful" Kitty growls while we walk down the hallway, crowded as it always happen for the change of classes.

I don't remember when it turns to be her time to take care of me, I ended up next to her after hearing a long conversation between her and Madi about if it could be a good idea an occurrence of the former coach Sylvester of throwing cheerleaders from a cannon.

The worst that can happen to someone is to finish disintegrated between traces of gunpowder and smoke.

Contrary to what happens when I used to walk with Spencer in the hallways, Kitty shoos everyone away based on insults and one or another occasional comment that makes more than one to star mourning, that a few others mumble that she's a bitch, and some others, oddly as it could seem, finds out more adoration for her.

I understand her attempts to aspire to be like the majestic and forever known Quinn Fabray, and I don't know why I think she wants that Madison and I become the same trio that she had with Brittany and Santana. Those are positions that neither Madison nor I will be able to fill in this life or in the next.

"I think we should learn their names, it's assumed that now we're a numerous and huge winner team" I say while we go to the down floor.

"Until I can get a good name for them they're going to still be Warblers" she concludes while she makes me to stand in front of my locker, "and now for what I'm seeing my hatred is getting worse by far".

"Now what are you talking about?" although I'm in a big willingness to not being an idiot I think I prefer the endless talk of Myron than having to be a participant in this conversation.

"Do you remember the guy that said Julianne Moore to Alistair?".

"Yeah, and I think that will be something that I'll remember forever" I smile heartily and hear something like a small chuckle coming out from her throat.

"Well, right know he's talking with the frustrated eager to be quarterback and… oh my God! He's touching his muscles!" she cries out quietly while I swallow hardly and feel like if I had been punched in the stomach.

"Y-you serious?" I clear my throat and lose my grip to the Algebra book. The marks of my nails will stay there forever.

"Yes, the worst is that the guy seems a hopelessly in love schoolgirl with the quarterback".

I shrug by each one of her words, my expression surely reflects the fact that perhaps coming back was too rushed and something like a defeated sigh escapes without my authorization. But this thing that's happening inside me…

Am… am I jealous? No, it can't be, there never was something established or official, but right now all I want to do is to rip off this dude's head and push him away from him, throw him out of the school if it's possible. No one can stand in anything that's between us, that if it is still there.

"And what is Spencer doing?" I ask while I close the locker door. My attempt to go unnoticed remains being a bad attempt.

"He flexes and lets the guy to touch his arms, although he doesn't stop frowning" I sigh with a bit of relief but that doesn't stop me to feel that something is stuck in my throat. "And right now he's looking this way, say hi to him".

I put my arms firmly at my sides, I slide my hands inside my jeans pockets and I play with an unseen pebble nearer to my left foot, wishing the beanie that's on my hair were a kind of portal to a dimension in which my idiot self were brutally murdered.

Readiness to change, I have to keep that in mind.

"I guess that's why he's been acting weird, according to you" I say, experiencing something strange in the tone of my voice. I don't talk with the hatred against him that I should have, I talk with something else, something that I can't describe.

"Whatever it is, I don't like it" she spits, like if she knows what's happening inside my head.

"We can't do anything if Spencer wants to achieve something with him".

"Let's see if that's true".

Kitty takes me by the right wrist and forces me to walk, my heels are trying to find ways to hold on to the tiled floor, but the creaking of my sneakers doesn't do more that to tell me that my attempt, like many things now, are going to be made in vain.

"You, get out" Kitty orders after snapping her fingers. The anonymous guy just snorts through his nose.

"Excuse me?" he asks indignantly. Kitty snaps her fingers again a few times.

"You heard me, get out".

"The fact that you're a student here doesn't mean that you can give orders to everyone" he tries to say in his defense. Bad move.

"Oh, sure she can" says Spencer, sounding somewhat relieved. "Privileges for being captain of the cheerleading squad and that sort of things".

"Whatever, I don't want to leave, I want to hear all about how could I get muscles like this" replies the anonymous, I guess again touching him. «Stop touching him, now».

"There is a dressing room full of burly guys, you can go to ask them, now turn around and get out".

The anonymous guy huffs back and I guess he goes since I heard heavy and hurried footsteps that are followed by laughter in the end of the hallway, a little unflattering comment goes straight to her and I feel her grip on my wrist. It's the first time something like this ever happen, regularly she's the one who manages to do that.

"You have no any idea how much I appreciate it, I was starting to…".

"Let's better talk about your look, I'm sure that a little child can eat better than you, you're a mess!" Kitty growls out of nowhere, which is always followed by she rolling her eyes. "I didn't think that someone of your age would be dirty with… what's that white at the corners of your lips?" the most morbid thought crosses my mind and, however, I shrug my shoulders like never before, almost breaking my spine.

"There were glazed cinnamon rolls in the cafeteria, they're my favorites… I couldn't eat just one, and I tend to eat like a caveman when it comes to something that is my favorite".

"It's supposed that you're an athlete" I say, giving him a word for the first time in days, with a tone of voice that makes Kitty to step over me with extreme hatred.

"Yeah, but I can trip over cinnamon rolls occasionally" he answers with the same cold tone of the last time he was upset with me.

I shrug my shoulders even more, remembering that at all good time.

«I'm sorry, I didn't mean that. In fact… I'm sorry about everything that I said, EVERYTHING. Let's go back to the way it was, shall we?», those are things that formulates in my head, and my damn pride makes them to stay trapped there.

"Anyway, are you ready for the song of the week?" asks Kitty to try to lighten the atmosphere that was generating among the three of us.

"It's good that you mention it, I can't go today, probably the rest of the week either" I arch an eyebrow when I notice the selflessness with which he says it.

"Why not?" I ask almost involuntarily, feeling something inside me turning off.

"Because I don't want to, just that" the loud bell interrupts the conversation, which marks the beginning of the last period of school, finally.

"But we are a team, you have to be there" I'm trying to persuade, although the tone of my voice doesn't help at all, the so rigid one from him neither.

"Yeah, and in that team are much better singers than me, besides that's what you wanted, right? Not having me around? Done".

The door of his locker whips so hard that my jaw gets tense and I give a jump that could lead me back to the first floor of the school. He says goodbye to Kitty with a dry goodbye and leaves, walking with rushed steps to finally end up running.

She pulls my arm and we walk for several minutes and through several hallways, the fact of not listening her for a moment makes me think that surely she has something in her mind, but I'll never be able to know what it is simply because she's a girl, and most girls are totally incomprehensible.

"I can't be near you, I just simply can't" she says when she finally stops and lets go of my arm. "I can't stand to be around you after seeing how broken Spencer is".

"I'm sorry?" I shake my hand to stop it feeling numb. For such a small body she's quite strong. "In case you don't know it was he who caused this" I wave my right hand in front of my face, "so I have every right to feel upset with him".

"Yeah, Blindy, I already know that, like every single person in this school, but that doesn't stop him to keep looking ways to…".

"Stop calling me that! I have a damn name! I'm Mason!".

My cry resounds around the empty hallway, who knows to which end of the school we get for it to be so quiet, however, I hear her taking a deep breath and making a click in her tongue, ready to release all of what she's capable when she wants to turn someone to blitzes.

"I give a damn about your name, right now all I can see is a blind boy, completely stupid, arrogant, true believing that he can be someone independent, dedicated to don't do more than shoo people away who are trying to be close to him, who are trying to be ways of support for his life no longer keep being the same crap which he realize that is every time he wakes up" I step back until I hit a wall and force my knees to stand firm.

"Enough…" I gasp, it's the first time when she talks to me like if I were her worst enemy. "Enough, just… say no more…".

I move my head to the right and blink a few times, trying to chase away the tears tickling and keep climbing to leave, to put me on evidence, to show that I'm really regretting all of this.

«I'm an idiot, I'm an idiot, I'm an idiot».

"I should come back" I say, breathing deep to keep my voice from cracking all the way. "It's too much, this is just too, realize what I've done is breathtaking, everything is wrong. It's too early".

"Maybe it's too soon, but you can't keep running away from things".

"Escaping is simple".

"And it's the way that only the cowards take, just like you're doing now" she speaks so seriously that I can hardly believe it's her.

"I'm not running away from Spencer if that's what you think, now you could see that I'm trying to get closer to remedy everything".

"You're running away from what you feel about him, that's the barrier that limits everything".

A knot forms in my throat, the talk about the feelings again makes act of presence, and this time I could take the risk of saying something that might come to his ears in seconds. I shake my head no and the fists that are forming up in my thighs close so tightly that they take a little of skin.

"I'm not admitting anything about any kind of feelings" she makes a sound in her throat, she doesn't believe me, "and you can think whatever you want, I will not admit anything".

"This is like if you were in an AA group, the first step is to accept it".

She caresses my cheek, the act that always makes me jump, and she goes, growling and muttering high that it's impossible to deal with me, that she don't understand how it is that Madison keeps doing it after all this time. She's my sister and it's her duty, the others can give me blows with the best that they have and go away, leaving me wounded.

I wonder why Spencer doesn't do the same.

"By the way, we're in the hallway of the front door, so you can go anywhere. My recommendation is for you to go out and don't come back until you're actually ready to face all of what you're running away of".

I stand in the hall, alone, clasping my legs as much as I can to my chest and burying my face in my knees, sobbing and letting to other part that can finally get out. Crying is in fact helpful.

I don't quite understand how it works this that I've developed for him, supposedly I should feel hatred for him, contempt, like in the early hours when he confessed everything. But now it feels like the Stockholm syndrome, or something like that, and I'm developing feelings for someone who has hurt me, even if he didn't think of doing so. Is that normal? I'll ask it to Dr. Watson on the next time I'll have to see her.

"I'm sorry, Spencer" I mumble very softly but not how it's needed to be a whisper. I speak with the tone enough so that if someone is lying around it can hear it and spread the rumor as a wick about to light a barrel of gunpowder. "Come back, please".


	14. I want to apologize

Well, I'm glad and it's good to see that after all there's people whose liking this story, I hope you like this and the chapters that are going to come. Fav, follow or review, six chapters and counting :)

* * *

 **I want to apologize**

With an emergency call about to end of the first Monday in which I'm back in circulation I had to go back home, on Tuesday I dedicated myself to sleep all day long, without even getting a small snack, on Wednesday I was about to get off the car and again happened that I entered in a small moment of self-contempt, having to go home again.

On Thursday I just didn't wanted to attend school, on Friday was the same story. Saturday becomes in another day of leisure with _The Little Prince_ , _Carrie_ and _Algebra_ from Baldor, because Bletheim insists that I can't be late in classes anymore, message sent conveniently with Madison. I would like to see her trying to solve quadratic equations with little dots, let's see if she's so brave, and I'm still wondering how mom and dad did it to find such a thing in a bookstore. It's Thursday, after a whole week, and I'm about to put an end to that.

Conclusion of that week and a half: being locked up is the worst thing that can happen in the universe, I feel like a caged lion, ready to bite the hand that feeds me and throw myself against the tamers. Second conclusion: even with the huge and surely expensive mathematical encyclopedia I will not keep studying algebra anymore, it's horrible!

Contrary to all of that, I feel I bit better, more calm and rested, just now I understand that the cruelty of Kitty has a goal, although I don't think that that's the best way to get someone to realize some things.

Someone knocks on the door of my room, I move my head in that direction and don't make the slightest effort to move. If breathing weren't an autonomous process surely I would stop doing it, the laziness that has befallen on me since Thursday refuses to leave my body.

"Come in" I say in a growl, just high enough for the person on the other side to not knock again.

"Hi honey" the sweet voice of mom says when she enters and closes the door gently. The tone of her voice, time for a pep talk. Horror.

"Hey mom" she sits next to me, I take a small jump when she caresses my right cheek with the back of the soft skin of her fingers and she also starts doing caresses in my hair. I remember her doing that when I was a little boy and she wanted to make me to fall asleep, and the same soporific effect is still there after all these years.

"You haven't come out from here in the whole day, you neither come down for lunch. Is everything alright, sweetheart?" I smile when she touches my nose.

"Yeah, everything's alright" I sigh and leave a smile on my face, "it's just that I don't have the slightest intention to get on my feet".

Immediately that I finish talking I bite the inside of my right cheek. Bad choice of words, now I don't want to imagine the kind of things that must be spinning inside her head.

"Do you think that we should call Dr. Watson for…?" she stops when she notices that I'm shaking my head no.

"No need, I just simply have extreme laziness" she stays quiet, her hand stops doing caresses in my hair and I force myself to not roll my eyes. "Mom, I mean it, I'm wonderful. Exhausted, but great".

She nods with her throat and returns to her work that causes me to get sleepy and feel that if I take a nap I'll wake up fully rested, which wouldn't be bad at all. Now she even moves her hand with a slightly slower pace, making that my eyelids starts feeling a little heavier with the passage of the time. If I were a cat then I would be purring or something like that.

"You're a very strong boy, honey" that, I was waiting for it. It has been days since the last time she talked about: "you're very brave to confront everything that happens to you right now, so far you have found ways to cope with the things and that I'm so proud for it".

My hands are clasped behind my head, so I stretch my arms and shake them a little, like if they were rattles, and I guess she knows what I mean. The bandages are no longer there because of my visit to the visit to the hospital yesterday, just for a review, supposedly I've healed very fast, but some stitches are still there to ensure that I don't make something stupid again. Would it be possible? Yeah, it would.

"I've stumbled a few times, but I think it could be worse".

"Even after your little… incident, you're still standing, and that's something remarkable".

I guess mom really wants me to believe what she's saying, but in reality I don't buy a word of it. I'm all the opposite of what she just said, I'm weak and I just have molded to all of this because it's a need, adding that I don't want to stay home all the time.

I need to be outside, even though that now I'm in a confinement that I established myself.

"But anyway, I also came to ask you why I haven't seen your friend Spencer in days, you used to get along so well".

Even when I'm lying down over all of my blankets I shrug extremely, my arms crosses over my stomach and I get to remember the color of the exterior walls of the house, how green the grass was and the steam rising from the pavement because of the rain.

"Mason?" she asks, using that scolding tone that she shares with Madison. But now it's not a scold, or so I think, but she wants an answer.

"I don't know, mom, I honestly do not know" I don't doubt that Madison said something and now she wants a long and coherently explanation. "The last thing that I heard from him was that the glazed cinnamon rolls are his favorites" «and that I'm an idiot, although the last he didn't said it directly».

"It's such a pity, you always seemed to be in very good spirits when he came to visit" there's something that she wants to tell me, I'm sure of it, but she just keeps it for herself.

I cock a smile and shrug my shoulders, doing everything that respects to him aside. Maybe I can solve anything when I return to McKinley, my goal is to do it on Monday morning, and see how things get going after that and a serious talk that I wouldn't like have to have about… other things.

Before I can do anything else I hear the rustle of a small cellophane wrapper that ends up slipping through my hands.

"Though it's contrary to the rules of candy before dinner, I think you could at least eat a chocolate for now".

I thank her about a million times, I haven't eaten one in weeks, I open it and give her the half because it's a bitter chocolate, the favorite of both of us, and we both give a big bite before she ruffles my hair, tells me that dinner will be ready at any time, and leaves my bedroom.

The only thing that moves is my right hand when it routes the chocolate to my mouth, and it's the most bitter, smooth and delicious chocolate that I've tasted so far. While I'm dedicated to fatten myself a little I start to think that the obviousness in the whole affair that involves both Spencer and me is way too much, it's overwhelming, it's killing me, and anyway I don't want to act on any of that, not now at least.

How is it that a perfect stranger can make me to doubt about myself being that earlier anything of that ever happened? Or maybe… yeah, the most probable thing is that I've always lived with false pillars, and with my sickly tendency to satisfy everyone. I guess that I'm already sick of it and I want to know who I can actually become indeed… if my reality doesn't hate me.

"Hey, Mason" I say in a whisper, like if it were someone else's speech, "you're an idiot".

I smile at my lack of self-adulation and I stand up, walking with my arms outstretched to enter the bathroom and have a well-deserved shower to after just have dinner, brush my teeth and meet myself with my blankets in another vain attempt to get some sleep.

Once inside the bathroom I take off my shirt and everything below, raising my head towards the mirror and supposedly meeting up with my threatening, arrogant and naked reflection.

"Are you willing to accept that you also have feelings for Spencer?" I ask to the reflection in a tone that the old Mason would use, who wouldn't dare to look at him naked in the mirror because he dislikes his slender body.

Instead of answering to myself I walk to the part of the bathroom that corresponds to the shower, because I wanted the bedroom with the bathtub but Madison took appropriation of it based on blackmailing, and open the right tap for the water to begin heating up by little, and once that it's adjusted to a temperature that will not scald my skin I stand under the small and constant warm jets.

I dedicate myself to do what everyone does being in the shower, I even intone a few stanzas of _I Want To Break Free_ while I'm molding my hair with the foam of the shampoo, creating the styles that I would never be able to use in public, and making sure I'm neat everywhere.

Yeah, I'm very willing to accept whatever that lives between Spencer and me, for me it's not a problem, but unlike the courage and unimportant attitude from what people could say about him, to me it would really be somewhat strange that people say something if they see me holding hands with a boy (it already was a bit annoying when he accompanied me in the hallways to walk me towards some class) being that formerly I used to try something with a girl. I suppose that Jane would take it in a good way, but perhaps it should also be an important conversation that I should have her.

Today I decide to not comply with my policy of not more than seven minutes in the shower, because the water heater can continue to operate for a whole life and also because mom usually complains about the water bill, because I simply need a metaphorical way in which I can feel that all my troubles slides from my head and through all my body until they come to my feet and get lost down the drain.

It's weird to find that someone likes you when you don't know how to reciprocate those feelings.

I finally decide to get out and face the cold of the winter nights, I stick out my hand from the right side of the plastic shower curtain, one with a pattern of black circles and squares that used to be threatening in the store, and I find that the small hook where usually my towel with my robe are now is empty. Surely mom is washing clothes and she forgot to tell me.

"Hello?" I scream and I hit the wall in front of me, which I think connects with Madison's room, or is it the wall to the outside? Who knows, the point is to get out of here. "Someone needs a towel, can you hear me?".

I start thinking that the few things that I was wearing wouldn't be enough to dry myself, and I totally refuse to wear again both outer and under dirty clothes, but fortunately I remembered to bring one of my favorite boxer briefs, one set of soft black fabric.

"Could anyone…?".

Before I can finish begging for help someone knocks on the door and it opens after three knocks, I stretch out one of my hands from one side of the curtain and the towel finally comes to me.

When the door closes again I finish up with my routine in the bathroom, that involves deodorant, moisturizing almond cream that mom gave me because she says that my skin is too sensitive and… well, I could brush my teeth if I didn't knew that dinner will be ready at any time. I'm starving.

"What makes you to take so long?" I ask when I set a foot outside the bathroom and I talk in a playful tone, and I hope that my dear sister takes it like that.

"Madison asked me to".

I freeze and I hold on to the towel with both hands, although there's nothing to display in the unlikely event if it falls because the boxer brief is there, but it's the fact of hearing the voice of Spencer inside my room while I don't wear nothing more but a towel and boxer briefs what makes that a shiver gets down in all of the nerve endings of my body. That was that mom was hiding! Madison told her everything! Betrayal!

I'm in a crossroads between whatever that can pass if what I'm wearing disappears or if I simply force him to leave my room based in insults in such a Kitty-style, which I will not achieve in this life or in those that follows.

"What are you doing here?!" I ask, totally surprised.

"Madison is redecorating her room and she asked me to help her to move her furniture because she says that I'm the first one who hasn't tried to get a date with her, thing that will never happen" he speaks rigidly, like my position.

"I mean here, in my room".

"You wanted a towel, right? She asked me to bring it to you while she's on the phone with Kitty" he says, between serious and angry. I scratch my right forearm until I notice that I'm too close to the stitches in that area. "A simple and easy, also imagine that I'm doing quotes, 'thank you' would be enough".

It arise a desire to swallow the whole rant that pops into my head, and I do it, but the stupid part of my personality decides to opt for the hurtful words and stupid comments.

"I don't need you to tell me what happens in the world, or what you do".

"Of course you do, otherwise you would be angry, as usual" he speaks like if he were desperate and willing to not talk to me, which I would also be doing.

"I wouldn't be angry if I could see what you're doing right now".

We both stay quiet, I don't know what is he doing and I don't care at all, what happens inside of me is getting me worried. I'm regretting each and every one of my words, all of what I've said has being hurting him; he doesn't deserve to live with someone like me, I'm a pebble in the existence of people now with my new being.

"I'm going" he just take four loud stomps when I interpose in his way and I'm about to speak when I don't do anything more but start stammering. He takes me by the shoulders and he pulls me a little closer to him, but I feel that his hands are shaking with fury. "Move away".

"I'm trying to tell you s-something" I managed to gesticulate, although I'm not so sure of it, nor that I really want to talk to him again.

"I'm not interested, move away or…" he wanders and the grip of his hands gets a little loose, "I don't want to hurt you, or whatever".

"Could you do it more?" I answer, and he releases me.

That was a low blow, the kind of blows that those who practice contact sports and all of that earns a disqualification. I don't want to be like this, not anymore. If he wasn't present I would hit my forehead against a wall until it sets back on me the strange way in which I like to live.

"What is it that you want from all of this?" he asks, surely raising his arms or doing anything that could let him to shake out a little of his frustration. Fortunately it wasn't a punch on my face. "Do you want to hate me? Do it. Do you want us to being friends? Okay, we will not be friends anymore. What do you want?".

I move aside my empty look and I focus it on my feet, or at least I guess it should be centered there, taking deep breaths and fighting to not shrug my shoulders.

"Answer me!" I shrug and move back two steps, which are followed by him, I know that because he almost steps on me. However one of his fingers places under my chin and makes me to raise my head, I guess I would be staring at his blue eyes just now. "Please, tell me what do you want".

«You, I want you. I also want to see the world again, but while I have you I will not ask for anything else». I murder those thoughts right there.

"I want to apologize" says the Mason who has been at the mercy of the other Mason, the idiot that has been present all this time. I'm still struggling to overcome my own barriers. "I want to apologize for what I said, for all that I've said to you. I don't want to lose you, either way that I can be able to lose you, but it's… very difficult".

"What's difficult?" he asks, sounding not so annoyed.

"Not feeling bad about you, showing resented for it" I shake my head to stop his fingers for making contact with my skin. Immediately I want him to touch me again. "You can call it in any way that you think you can, the point is that I can't help it".

"I understand perfectly, so if you want to get some distance from me then I'll…".

"No, I don't want that" I take a deep breath and with that come a miserable pinch of clarity to my thoughts. "I want to forget what happened in the last couple of days".

One of his hands cups my cheek, causing me to startle as always, he flexes his fingers a little and the feeling is thoroughly enjoyable, so much that I almost let out the sigh that was forming in the depths of my being.

"Besides I guess it must be hard for you considering that you're in love with me".

His hand stiffens just for a second, like if he were discovered after trying to keep that as a secret for so long. I find it strange that I haven't noticed that all of the treatment that he gave me and all of those things were accurate signals to denote his feelings for me.

Clumsy new Mason, for hating you doesn't concentrate on anything else that you can perceive with your intact senses.

"I-I'm not in l-love with you" if I could sigh without him feeling offended then I definitely would, the way he's stuttering is indescribable.

"Oh come on, of course you do".

"T-that's a lie" his hand begins to shake and that does nothing but put me in the mood to continue with my sick game.

"Alright, I will not say anything because I don't think that Alistair or that Warbler want to answer awkward questions".

"I like _you_ , Mason, not them" I listen a sound, like if one of his hands covered his mouth suddenly, something that he just did. I smirk.

"I knew it!" I exclaim in a triumphant tone, which makes him to snarl. "Those rumors run fast".

"Bah, I damn Kitty because she probably told you so" he snorts heartily and that makes me smile even more. "Anyway, it's not like if you were going to do something about it, right?".

I stay with my mouth dry and without any kind of comment, not even the new clumsy Mason has something stupid to say because he simply didn't expected that a confession of that kind were going to be made undertake so lightly, it's that or either that maybe my fascination to overdo things was expecting it to be one of those moments of the most tense and uncomfortable ones.

I caress my forearms and the thread of the stitches makes small cuts on my fingers, but I decided to ignore them and just let my arms inert at my sides, like I usually do when I don't know how to use them, and crossing them is not a feasible option now.

"Let's skip that since there's not a single answer" I was about to speak, to stutter almost like him and that we couldn't get anywhere in a while, "but… what then? Are we okay?" I should have done that question, but I'm more than happy with his initiative.

"Yes, I suppose so" Finally I walk to my drawers and put on the first tee that I find over the pile, besides that I wear it upside down the night breeze freezes me to my nerves. "We're fine".

"What follows now is completely stupid and irrational, but I'll say it anyway" he takes a deep breath and sighs in a shaky way. "Can I h-have a h-hug?" he hesitates, the most adorable act of the universe.

I stand firmly, sure that he's at a distance in which I only have to stretch my arms to have him closer again, but I'm surprised that he asked that question. It's assumed that he's against such those things, but the sweet voice that he employs and how he's willing to follow my stupid indications doesn't let me to refuse and makes me to think about him in another way, in the emotional context. I like this attitude.

"I thought that the one with a horrible existence and needed for a hug was me" I smile and hear a small laugh coming out from him.

"Then you're not going to give me a hug?" I roll my eyes and approach a few centimeters.

"Come here" I stretch out my arms and in two milliseconds I find with the warmth of his body.

His arms, the big, strong and muscular arms that that idiot Warbler had the privilege of touching first, wraps me, they put me closer to him and again the cracks of my existence begins to heal once more, now they do it so much faster because they found a source of tranquility in whatever that it can offer the proximity of a person.

His hands gets together in my lower back and they entwines there, remaining motionless while my hands moves up and down in all the length of his back, feeling the muscles that lay beneath his shirt. My head stays facing to the left side, leaning on his shoulder, and his to the right, but in a simultaneous movement the breathing of one of us hits the other's neck. I get tense in that very moment and he notices it because he starts tracing small and slow circles on my lower back. I don't want him to stop for the next five thousand years, my fool smile knows about it perfectly.

"This means that…?" he asks while for some strange reason my head starts to move a little forward, looking for his…

"Mason, mom says that dinner… oh, sorry".

When Madison's voice says the first word I depart from Spencer in a jump, almost reaching the other end of the room, a jump that neither the Cheerios could do in a championship. The comfortable warmth that was shared between us gets colder at a rate so fast that the only thing all I want to do now is to have him near me, feeling his breath against my neck and all that pleasant feeling that just woke up.

But… I don't know how she would take it, although she has shown a bit acceptable to the rarity if relationship that we have. But I don't know what mom and dad could think… later, yes, later.

"It really was so important for you to come in?" I say, being one of the few times when I hate my own twin sister.

"Now it doesn't matter, I'd better go" she responds and closes the door with a whip, but something tells me she was outlining that wicked smile she's so fond of, though not as evil like the one of her best friend.

"I suppose I should be going too, it's getting late after all" he says, letting out a heavy sigh and putting a hand on my shoulder. I look at it and he moves it away immediately, thing that I didn't wanted him to do. "Will you come back tomorrow to McKinley?".

"Maybe, I don't know" he pushes me with his shoulder and I return the gesture, both laughing a little. "Any news for the rest of the week?".

"The assignment from Kurt and Rachel, established for them of course".

"That means?" I ask, arching my right eyebrow.

"They called it 'Try something new'".

"Sounds pretty good, I have a couple of ideas in mind".

"Technically the week ends tomorrow, but as I haven't performed yet I wish you were there to…".

"Listen" «because I know you were going to say 'see' or say something like that» "of course I'll be there then".

He ruffles the hair and I smile to him, he passes by through my right side and his hand touches mine lightly, sending a wild electrical impulse through my right arm. I meditate a little the last thing that we said and I stop him before he goes with a misconception, but it doesn't seem entirely something wrong.

"Wait" he stops his walking and I just loose the things as they formulate in my head. "I'm not admitting that I have feelings for you".

"Oh, really?" the disappointment in his voice is evident, so I shake my head no and shrug my shoulders because I don't know what else to do with things that I'm not even sure they exists.

"No, no, don't get me wrong, I'm just a little confused about it, and all McKinley knowing it would be strange if I have in mind that everyone is already talking about me because they believe that something happens between Madison and me".

"I think I understand you" I roll my eyes slightly because I know he doesn't.

"Whatever, we will be friends again and just that, time will tell us if something change between us" he nods with his throat.

"I think I can make that sacrifice" he answers with all the ease and lack of meditation that he's capable of.

That word, sacrifice, makes me think like of this situation bothers him after what he just told me, it makes me think that maybe I look like a burden if I choose to be with him, and that brings back the new Mason whose tasks are being the biggest bastard that can may exist throughout the century.

"Fine, then if it is a sacrifice you can't be close to me in public, don't look at me in a special way and neither too much, don't sigh if you think about me, don't treat me differently; just don't let that show that there is… something" I say, getting frustrated with every word and with every agreement that he makes with his throat.

"Amazing, I will not do anything of that for a single second" he responds with good spirits in his voice, and that puts me on the edge.

"God, Spencer!" I raised my right hand and hold the towel with the left. I will not give him such a show when there's any. "If I'm forbidding you all of that, why the hell do you still want to keep trying to make this happen?" I make an alternating movement between us with my free hand while he makes a sound in his throat, I guess he's looking for the best answer in the world.

"Because with all of that you feel comfortable, and if that's how you want it then I will not stand in whatever that makes you feel comfortable and normal, and I should mention that I hate to use that word".

Normal. Yes, it's a word too ambivalent, and normal isn't something that many want to go along with, because it's boring following standards and all of that.

However a knot forms in my throat when he ruffles my still wet hair once more and walks out the door, down the hall I hear a lively whistle and I put one ear to the wood just to hear him saying goodbye to mom, dad and Madison.

I let out a sigh, surely Kitty would define it as one of a lovesick schoolgirl, and a smile stays on my face for the rest of the night, during dinner and even it hinders my attempts to brush my teeth. Is still there when I go to bed and when I lose consciousness to wake up tomorrow and to get back.

One reason to think of McKinley as something of my everyday has returned.


	15. Everything was a damn dream

I finally wrote a song-chapter (in case anyone thought that there wouldn't be one) and I decided for this song simply because it's appropriate for the situation, so I also minimally modified the lyrics to fit in with the story. This will be a chapter with the POV's from both of them, so enjoy it. Fav, follow or review, five chapters and counting :)

Song: I'm Not That Girl (I'm Not a Girl) - Wicked (/ watch v = NaT7DaqPbxs?)

* * *

 **Everything was a damn dream**

 **Spencer's POV**

'Try something new' one of the worst titles that anything in the world could have. It's almost as pathetic and it sucks just as Rachel's show on television, and I'm surprised that she was able to have her moment of stardom on Broadway, thing that she had to ruin because she's too ambitious. The same goes to Kurt and his not so well established dreams.

Even with the I-don't-know-the-status of their education at NYADA they both need training in creativity, A LOT of training in creativity.

I look at the clock lying on the wall, I'm ten minutes late from the promised time to the meeting of New Directions in the auditorium. I don't want to go, I really don't want to, because walking through the hallways and see that guide on the floor along with the small plaques with indications near the doors of the classrooms and all of that makes my mood to remain below the subsoil so much.

I've couldn't be in the game field for more than half an hour without having the memories of that night and mixed with my desires to run away, but now not against a human pyramid that's dedicated to cheer the final game of the whole season.

It simply makes no sense, how is it possible that I'd have hurt a guy like Mason without even having met him?

Although he's not a complete stranger, I used to watch him from time to time in the practices with the Cheerios, I talked to him one or twice, but not important talks, even once I crashed against one of the goalposts for seeing him taking that invested somersault. That's why I laughed when he hit the light pole in his time of anger, he reminded me a little of my foolish blunder.

I stand firmly in front of the auditorium, stretching my right hand and although I can read without any problem I use it on the plaque that adorns the entrance. Even though I hate the title that they decided to put on the week it's something that I've being doing for a while, if I don't then I would never ever have learned Braille or anything like that.

I never expected that my first attempts to be close to him were in this situation, and somehow they emerged based on a huge dose of guiltiness. I'm sure that if I'd have come closer before then I'd have been rejected in that very moment, and even in the weird universe in which he had being showing himself as someone receptive, twisted set of words, I most likely would have stuttering or searching silly and stupid ways to impress him, like it often happens when someone seems to me so wildly attractive.

I move my hand away when I reread the name of the auditorium about twenty times, I snort and push one of the heavy doors, the light that illuminates the stage with my entry makes everyone to turn their heads and watch each of my steps as I approach to the stage.

"Well, I'm glad that you decided to join us" Rachel says when I haven't even finished going up the stage.

"Anytime you want it" I reply to her with the same fake smile that she gives to me. I turn on my heels and roll my eyes freely, Kitty purses her lips but that's what is less important now.

Mason is actually here, sitting at her left, between her and Madison. I force myself to not stand in front of him and wrap him in another hug, which now that I think about it seem the most idiot thing because I asked him for it, and I occupy a place next to Roderick, on the opposite side of this Warbler guy who dared to touch my arms in the hallways.

He should already have quite clear that I'm not interested on him in the least, neither he nor anyone else besides Mason. And even there is a terrain too difficult to be explored.

While Rachel talks about who knows what I dedicate myself to wallow in my thoughts and take quick looks at him more than once, thinking about everything that comes in when I can be near him.

It doesn't seem fair from Kitty to call him Blindy or Little Blind, it's a name too cruel, also that it's obvious that he doesn't like it at all. I don't really understand how that works the thing of the protective wing that Kitty wants to place over him and Madison, but I guess she doesn't want that the same story that happened with her old friend Marley occurs again. I occasionally can see Kitty wailing behind the bleachers on the treatment that she gave to her, I've heard her many times saying that she would like to see her again to apologize and amend everything again. And not even then I manage to understand her entirely.

Changing the subject, I don't know if what I feel for him is affection and lo… that, or if it is simply a morbid urge to protect him at all costs and from all evils, that if I include myself as one of the evils that's besetting his life. In one of my moments of contemplation he turns his head in my direction, his eyes move in all directions and I don't know why I thought that he was actually looking at me.

I shrug my shoulders and I feel like if a dark aura surrounds me, making my day one even worse.

"Kurt and I did a recount of the performances so far" she says at the time where she ends up with her speech about herself, "we noticed that there are some of our new partners that haven't performed yet, and also adding that Mason has finally returned and join us it's that we decided to extend the assignment until the next week, so we can all come together again as the great team of victors that we are now".

Rachel claps and points towards him, Madison gives him a nudge on the ribs and he merely shakes his head slightly while the rest of us also clap, like if she had given a political speech or something. I still don't swallow her attempts as a television actress, and maybe I wouldn't have believed her performances in New York.

"Then I suggest that we should start with the missing performances" Kurt puts a hand on Rachel's shoulder to silence her, but that's when my hands begin to sweat. "Does anybody want…?".

My right hand shoots all the way up before I can even think about my actions. Most of them moves their look at me, Kurt smiles proudly and Rachel mover her head to the right, confused.

"Well, you arrive late and you are the first one to perform, you should do it more often" says Rachel while I stand up. Even though that they're not of my total satisfaction I feel more confident with them than with their former director.

"And you two should listen to us more often, but let's just see which happens first".

Kurt is ready to argue but Rachel puts a hand on his shoulder, she sighs in defeat and she simply smiles in that sarcastic and so little credible way that everyone knows.

I firmly stand in front of all the spectators, Madison whispers something to Mason and he moves his head forward, but it's only until Kitty helps him that he can be directed to where I'm standing. His expression of anger and lack of friends stays there for a while, like most of the time.

«Remember that everyone says that he used to smile all the time, it's your fault that now he behaves like that», I bite the tip of my tongue to keep me away from growling and leave the auditorium.

"In view that this is the week of trying something new, adding that it's the most original name that can exist in the universe" I cock a smile to Kurt, Rachel just raises her shoulders and tries to not show her utter hatred with her gaze, "I decided to delve a bit into the mysterious and strange places that represents the stages of the musical theaters".

The face of our pair of directors seem to be enlighten a little, even a shy smile appears on Mason's face, also that he shrugs a little and whispers something to both Kitty and Madison, the two of them exchange a couple of raised eyebrows and again they turn their attention to me. I don't know how to feel about that little share of ideas.

"I hate Broadway and everything that has to do something with it, but I think that this song describes a bit about how I've being feeling for the last couple of weeks".

I turn my look a little to my back and I nod my head slightly, the band members devotes me an encouraging smile to just let the things go and not feel completely watched. The rhythms and chords of their instruments resonates in a glorious way, if I actually liked the musical theater and all that in deed I would like to be part of it, but for now I limit myself to think about the part where I start singing.

 _Hands touch, eyes meet_

 _Sudden silence, sudden heat_

 _Hearts leap in a giddy whirl_

 _He could be that boy_

 _But I'm not a girl_

I hadn't talked about what I was going to perform in the week with anyone, because if I did it to Kitty surely it would have been earning a lot of stupid comments, Roderick, Alistair, Madison and everyone else probably would have said that it would be something sweet and a great idea, something that wouldn't encourage me too much, and I don't trust absolutely in none of the Warblers. I think Myron would have been the only one in my hand, and I don't think that's something of my total satisfaction.

 _Don't dream too far_

 _Don't lose sight of who you are_

 _Don't remember that rush of joy_

 _He could be that boy_

 _I'm not a girl_

The looks of astonishment from all of them makes me want to bury my head on the ground, like the ostriches, but I just need to get out some of my inner torment here and now, even when Mason is shrugging. I can't imagine his reaction if he knew that I'm singing in his direction, if he knew all idiots and cheesy things that comes to my mind that I could whisper in his ear if I had him in my arms once more. But he doesn't choose me.

 _Ev'ry so often we long to steal_

 _To the land of what-might-have-been_

 _But that doesn't soften the ache we feel_

 _When reality sets back in_

I glance to the left a bit, apparently looking at some point in the nowhere but devoting a great feeling of jealousy to Jane, who only sways with the rhythm of my voice and the instruments next to Roderick. It's unfair that she doesn't have to make the same effort that I have to get the attention of Mason, but the differences between us are _pretty_ obvious.

 _Blithe smile, lithe limb_

 _She who's winsome, she wins him_

 _Brown hair with some crazy curls_

 _That's the girl he chose_

 _And Heaven knows_

 _I'm not a girl_

I look back to Mason at the right time when Madison says something to him, to which he responds, but immediately Kitty says something totally different, I know it because he shrugs and hits his heels nervously. I don't know why I think that my name was in those last whispers, and that just causes that my voice trembles a bit, but I'm about to end up with this whole shtick of the week.

 _Don't wish, don't start_

 _Wishing only wounds the heart_

 _I wasn't born for the rose and the pearl_

 _There's a girl I know_

 _He loves her so_

 _I'm not a girl_

The chords of the harp ends up and with that my performance also comes to an end, I take a deep breath because I hold that last note longer than it's required, like if I were actually someone fresh out of the oven from the stages and the spotlights.

I don't know why I'm expecting a standing acclamation instead of the silence that generated out of nowhere, the looks of astonishment of each and every one of the people here don't make more to me than realize that show up something new to the others isn't always something kindly welcomed, but the smiles of acceptance of Kitty, Madison and Myron says totally the opposite.

"Spencer…" Rachel says, breathless and getting both of her hands together on her breast, "that was completely beautiful" Kurt wipes away a tear that was running down his right cheek and they both stand, they're the first ones to applaud and the others follows them more than in a forced mode.

"I think that with this performance is more than clear what Rachel and I wanted to get from you this week" I move two steps away but Kurt raises his hand to me to stop right there. "It's now that we can have different perspectives of what you usually show all the time, being performers means more than…".

«Shut up, now. The last thing that I wanted to show from me was someone sentimental, but that's everything and more of what Mason evokes in me», I want to scream to the world all of that right in the face.

"Well, I think that then…".

"Can I say something else?" I ask, making them both to turn on their heels and that everyone's eyes settles towards me, even Mason moves his head in my direction. That makes me to shrug my shoulders a little.

"Oh, o-of course, go ahead".

Kurt makes a motion with his arm to say that I have the stage for myself, but instead I move forward briskly and I stand in front of Mason, I kneel and I'm too close to his feet, when he notices my knees standing so close to him that makes him to shrink his legs all that he can against his chest.

"You're here" I say, Madison and Kitty moves away a bit, but anyway it's not like if I can call this as a moment of us, not with all these people around, making me antsy and a little nervous.

"I t-told you that I would be back" he blushes a little and his bright eyes moves from side to side while also his jaw trembles a bit.

"I know, it's just that for a moment I didn't believe it" my hands becomes fists, I can't touch him without him startling. "Can I ask you to do something?".

His mouth opens to give a direct answer, surely this is another one of those comments in which he reproaches the fact that he's blind because of me, and every time that he says so he makes me feel the worst scum that may exist in the human race. When I hear nothing more than his stutters and attempts of coherent answers I feel a little calmer.

"Y-yeah, I suppose so" his hands cling to his knees.

"Give me your hand".

His eyes focus directly on mine, the act is so surprising that I step back a bit and a nervous laugh escapes from me while his right arm stretches nervously. His serious expression remains present all the time, reminding me his words that I should be away but also shouldn't be away; the smile with which he said them took away all the seriousness of that time.

"Can you feel this?" I place his palm on my chest, at the height of my heart, over my accelerated heartbeat. His fingers shrink a little and a sigh mixed with a nervous laughter escapes from him.

"Is that…?" the corners of his mouth trembles a little.

"This is a reflection of the kind of things I can feel when I'm around you" the auditorium falls in absolute silence, I could almost hear a pin dropping in rear-end of the place. "While I have you around I'll be able to do so many things, I could even sing the entire repertoire of Les Misérables if you asked me to do so, I just ask that…".

"No, you can't ask me anything, anything at all, not after what you've done and what you're doing now" his hand moves away in a totally abrupt way, I'm pretty sure that he would have dropped a punch to my face if he could.

"Madison, I think that Little Blind is about to explode" I swallow the insult that was going to go straight to Kitty and I see that Madison gets herself on the defensive.

"Mason, don't do this" Madison scolds him, but that does nothing more but make the blush lying on his face to become now in a synonymous of anger. "I'm sure that Spencer wanted…".

"That's exactly the problem! Whatever that he wanted to get out of this is the problem!" he stands with a jump, stumbling a bit and I move forward to catch him if he falls, but he manages to keep his balance. "I told you that none of this could happen!".

"Mason, what I meant to say was that…" he frowns so much that I could swear that his grin will stay on his face forever.

"Just… don't say anything".

"I only…".

"Don't say anything!".

Without another word he just simply turns on his heels, his cane stays above his first step and in matter of seconds he tries to get out running. Everyone could stand in his way and stop him, even Madison, who only shakes her head no and tries to hide behind Kitty, doesn't make the least effort to stand up and stop him for whatever that he's able to do angry and blind.

"Okay… does anyone else want to come forward?".

I glare at Kurt and kick my backpack, it travels a distance of nine rows of seats away from the stage and I just drop on the floor, feeling utterly helpless and now wanting to be the one who can take the freedom of not attending to McKinley for a lot of days.

My breach of trust has fully split him away from me, for obeying my idiotic impulses and making it clear to everyone about how I feel about him is that I can't enjoy anything of it at all, not now or ever. It's simple, Mason doesn't want me in the same way that I do.

Right now I want another hug… from him…

* * *

 **Mason's POV**

I hate him, that's all that can describe exactly what comes over me right now. I hate Spencer Porter like never before, now it's a totally real feeling, way bigger than my moment of I-don't-know-how-to-feel-about-it when he confessed everything that he did.

I'm not sure about what I wanted to show with my little time of being an idiot in the auditorium, I guess it's another one of those situations where I don't have neither the slightest idea of how to react and what the best in what I can think of is running away. Usually it's me the one trying to show what I feel, or what torments me, and now that he decided to take that role I find myself in a very weird problem.

So far all I know is that I'm amazed and terrified; I'm amazed because he did that, not every day a guy, who according to Madison is very handsome, sings about his feelings in front of an auditorium considerably packed with people, is not always given to someone with his kind of targets shows his sensitive side.

And that's what terrifies me a little more, it dreads me to think that in anytime he could take the freedom of doing something like that, or something much bigger, and it terrifies me to know that in the same millisecond I'd feel completely happy and flattered at the same time that I'll wish the Earth to swallow me and didn't return me in the next twenty years.

But… I guess everything boils down to a resounding don't: I don't hate him, I don't hate that he have done that, I can't keep hiding and trying to bury down how I feel about him. All that he was dedicated to do was opening his heart and give me a huge display of affection… no, of sweetness.

Once again it's evidenced that I've hurt him, he was savvy enough to prove me that all of this is about us, about making it clear that Jane is no longer of interest to me. He perceived her as a threat to what was developing in him towards me, something that from now on I can call it as ours, but I guess that if he had come up with such an emotional song at some point in the past then I'd have had a panic attack.

I stop hitting the right side of my head against the wall when someone knocks on the door, I get up quickly and crawl over the bed to look like if I were asleep, what I told mom and dad that I would be doing after bringing them out their works to bring me home.

"Hey honey" says mom when she enters to my room, I move my head from the pillow and I give her a pained smile, "is everything okay?".

"I suppose so, I'm not yelling or banging the lockers or anything like that anymore" she sits on the mattress and I sit up to not feel that I could really fall asleep.

"I brought this to calm you down a bit" she takes my hands and gives me a hot cup, I held it closer to my nose and immediately perceive the sweet scent of the chamomile tea with honey. "What happened today?".

Among their whispers in the car, and the loud music on the radio to cover them, I could hear something about a reactive situation to the stress, an idea in which I guess doctor Watson had to participate in, although I also guess that it had something to do with the fact that I was hitting the cane on each row of lockers, expressing the so many insults that I know and tearing away the posters on the walls that I could find with my touch.

"There are too many things in my head, there comes a point where I have to get them out in some way or I'll feel that I'm going to explode" I sip the tea and drink it no matter that it's nearly boiling up, "and no, it doesn't mean that you have to call for doctor Watson".

We stay quiet for a bit, I focus more on sipping the tea, taking more care now because I don't want to feel like a flare glides down my throat and finishes burning in my stomach.

I think that I would have liked more that dad gave me the cup of tea, because he only would come and gone at the same moment, he's not too much of get interest on sentimental things and that stuff. I don't understand how mom can be married with him, but I guess that's the charming thing on their relationship: two completely different people who are united by a deep sense of love.

Is that what prevents me to hate Spencer? Do I feel love for him? Am I in love with Spencer just like he is with me? If my thoughts weren't scrambled between a yes and a no then I'll just give myself up to all of it.

"I'd like you to talk about what's bothering you now".

"Mom, I talk with you ALL the time, it's not like if I have many things that I can call as completely mine" I raise a bit my eyebrows and for some strange reason it seems that it makes my eyelids to become heavier.

"Even if it is an invasion of privacy I want to know what causes you to feel like that, I'm your mother anyway and I care about your well-being".

I finish up with tea with two big gulps, I taste it a little more and only until the end I can perceive a slightly bitter taste at the bottom, I guess that if I could see what's down there I'll see bits of blue pills.

"Was there sleeping pills in this?" I raise the cup and mom takes it out of my hand before I fall on my right side and a blanket places over me. I think that she gave me enough to dope an elephant.

"You need rest, sweetness" she kisses my forehead and for the abatement from the pills my eyelids closes two seconds later.

* * *

I roll on my back because of a deep growl in my stomach, the effect of the pills with which mom surely could kill me is still present, my head feels lighter than a feather and I can almost feel like I'm floating on the air while I regained my consciousness completely.

I feel numb because I don't know how long I've been sleeping curled as a ball, I stretch my arms and legs to clear myself a little from drowsiness but I accidentally hit mom, the scent of her sweet perfume seems to be more accentuated after her little sabotage.

"Are you here to make sure… that I'm not in a coma induced by… sleeping pills?" I ask between yawns and grumbles, one of her hand places on my right calf, I hug a pillow and bury my nose in it. I want to sleep another countless mount of hours, or as long as I was asleep.

"Actually I came to see that you weren't hit by a bus".

I could have jumped up or throw pillows until he left, the soporific effect that continues over me is distressing, I don't have enough strength to lift my head or any other of my limbs, not even my fierce appetite causes me wants to get up and satisfy myself.

"Just kidding" I don't find any fun in his comment.

"Who let you in?" I ask, still hugging the pillow.

"Madison, your mother told her what she did to you to fall asleep and sent her to watch you, but since she was busy then she sent me".

"And I'm the one who avoid things" I reply in an attempt for that to sound more to myself.

"I don't understand why…".

"I wasn't talking to you".

I bite the tip of my tongue for so abruptness in my voice, but that also sends a strange feeling all over my body. I hear him snorting and his hand moves away from me, I'm about to get my legs closer again but my stomach reminds me that it hasn't been fed in hours.

"You're hungry" he spits more than asking, "I can bring you something from the kitchen or…".

"Or I can do it by myself, and that's what will happen".

I take the blanket off and get to my feet, feeling that my head is spinning and that it wasn't a good idea to get up so suddenly. I hear some of his joints cracking before one of his arms places on my shoulders and he helps me stay straight on my feet.

"Do you feel good?" I push him and he snorts.

"I've never been better".

It's a lie, everything is a lie, and what takes the title to the worst lie is my act for wanting him as far away as he could possible stay from me.

"Wasn't it enough to tell to the whole auditorium that you're in love with me?" I keep moving a bit and he follows my steps, he takes me by the hand and makes me to spin so to stop and to look at him, supposedly.

"I needed you to hear it directly, I care more about the fact that you know it, not them".

"We discussed it the last time that you were here, and I had no problem with it".

"Yeah, but then it doesn't seemed so true, now that I could finally sing about it I realize that what I feel for you is true love".

I'm speechless, my mind goes blank and I can't even play inside my head the blurred and no clear picture that I have of him in my fingertips. I don't understand his insistence, although he just say everything like how it is, he should know that doing it in that way will not get him to anywhere.

I should tell him to give up, here and now, so then we can continue as at least a couple of good friends.

"Screw it, I'm sick from all of this" he let's go a quick sigh.

"What are…?".

He kisses me. His hands on my cheeks were the act that preceded everything, and yet I didn't do an effort to move them away.

My eyes widens when his lips, smooth, warm and completely soft, starts the contact with mine, we both sigh deeply because he doesn't move and I don't know what I would do if I stop thinking that this is happening.

His hands place on my waist with a firm and delicate grip at the same time, a combination that above every other thing is far beyond than perfect. My hands places on his own, just making sure that I'm actually living this, and while I slide them up the length of the muscles of his arms my eyes begins to close slowly, a stupid smile begins to grow on my face by each second that his lips remains motionless.

The moment in which my hands reaches his neck and get entwine there is when I move my head a little to the right, pushing myself forward slightly to show him that he's not alone in this, I'm with him.

I choose only him above any ideas, comments, thinking, occurrences, insults, resentments; above all of that and everything that wasn't considered. I'm fascinated by the feelings that are unleashed within me, I love this moment, my life just never seemed to be complete so far.

It's stupid for being something so sudden and abrupt, but it's so formidably nice that it's the least important thing to me. It's the first kiss that happens between us, the first moment in which we let that the affection that's between us act over us, and however it's like if I were in home again, it's like if I finally found the place where I belong. I belong to him.

"Mason…" he says in the short period where his lips moves part, and I don't let him to say anything more.

I thrust slightly forward, letting my eye closed and cupping his cheeks with both of my hands. I make light pressure that he returns, he sighs from time to time and his hands now are entwined in my lower back, his thumbs move so lightly and so slowly that I make a total effort to not let my knees to be weaken and I were trapped by his protective arms.

"Spencer…" I mutter on his lips, earning a slight growl from him, from me comes out a ragged sigh.

He starts moving backwards, in the moment when he begins to move away to fall on my bed I'm flood by a feeling of not wanting to be alone, so I accompany his movements and stand straddling him, holding his cheeks tightly and sighing freely on his face.

I move my head a little to the right, just like him, and now the act becomes slightly wild, we move our lips with full need from each other, desperate to let everything that is between us can finally be expressed.

One of his hands trembling slides beneath my shirt, it's big, somewhat rough and is dedicated to explore the vulnerable skin beneath. My body reacts with a start, my back stretches completely and just now I can feel the rush of his breathing combined with mine.

Before I can beg for more of what might come out from everything of this his head moves away and kisses me without any kind of warning in the neck, once and then tracing a path to my collarbone.

I suck air and the subsequent startle makes me to open my eyes, meeting with my new friend the darkness, covered with a light sheen of sweat, although outside I hear a blizzard that also hits the glasses of the window, as well as tangled and lost in my blankets.

I bite my right index just to be sure, the strange feeling doesn't runs through my body any longer. I release a growl and I hit my head hopelessly with the soft pillows.

This is what I was 'afraid' of, everything was a damn dream.


	16. I need you?

Nothing important to clarify or say, just four more chapters to come. Fav, follow or review, enjoy it :)

* * *

 **I need you?**

I swing my legs off the mattress and I stand up, without the slightest effort to seek the collapsible cane I just get out groping of my room and straight ahead to the kitchen, pushing and hitting against a couple of furniture in my way. There will be bruises in the morning, but now I don't give it that much of importance.

I take the first glass that I find and I pour it with water from the tap twice, drinking it without caring that I can choke or the fact that the kitchen light turns on, I know it because the damper made a sound, besides the long breath that accompanies something that stays in the floor.

"What are you doing awake so late?" asks Madison, dragging each word and yawning at the end. I guess she was going to hit me with whatever that she had in her hands.

"I was thirsty, I'll be up in a moment".

"Why…?" she stops in mid-sentence and huffs out. "You know what? Forget it, I'm too tired and too upset with you by your behavior".

"You're not mom to talk to me like that" I shrug my shoulders a bit, thinking that anyway I wasn't going to tell her what just happened to me. Although it's not the kind of things that you would be telling about to everyone.

"Anyway, I will not argue with you. Good night".

"Until tomorrow" I say goodbye with my hand and a crook smile.

I hear her shuffling, going up the stairs and closing the door of her room with a whip, which probably will have mom and dad alert for whatever that remains of the night. If it's not me then it's Madison who deprives them of sleep, whatever it is they can't induce it as they should. Like me.

I pour a third glass of water, a little cooler, and I drink it with two big gulps, the temperature makes me to clench my jaw and rub my temples with my fingers, waiting for the pain to go away while I go back to my room, but that doesn't prevents me to feel that my inside cools a bit, literally.

Carefully I climb up the stairs to my room and throw myself on the bed, immediately I kick the blankets a few times, mainly by frustration, until I finally decide to throw them away and keep them as far away from me, also I dedicate myself to snort loudly and strong while I start to think about what just happened while, supposedly, I'm staring at the ceiling.

Was it a wet dream that may have had a too happy ending? Damn you hormones. Was it all produced by the pills that mom put in my tea? Damn you drugs. Or is it that perhaps a part of me just accepted that I want Spencer by my side no matter what or whom? Stupid unconscious, or whatever that produced all of this.

I bite the nail of my right index finger while a lot of ideas explodes inside my head, each one of them seeming to be so good at the same time, but they disappear almost immediately because I know that I could never be able to act on them or say them, at least not in front of a crowd or so directly. Not yet. Or maybe… no, not yet.

I close my eyelids too hard because that kind of contradictory thoughts causes me a severe ache behind my forehead, thing that deepened a bit more since my fall, but I can give the credits of the strong pain to a lot of other and more probable things.

For now I'll only act over and by simple idiocy impulses, 'the good impulses of idiocy'.

I turn on my stomach and stretch my right arm, finding at the first try the small phonebook that I dedicated myself to type in the noisy Perkins machine, because dad could find one that wasn't from the last century, in one of those moments of imprisonment and wishes to seek better things to do than equations with little dots or reading for the thousandth time my short collection of books.

It takes me a couple of seconds and attempts to make the appropriate combination of numbers without the telephone system interrupting me or that an international call starts.

The call takes about just one ring when I decide to finish it, feeling like if I was making a mocking call to the emergency services or something like that. I rub violently the palms of my hands against each other, my mind gets blank and totally lacking of ideas while a great sense of horrible nervousness comes wildly over me.

«What the hell am I supposed to say in the unlikely event that he decides to pick up the phone? I just had a too intense dream about you? I hope that you're looking for a good way to fix what you did in the auditorium? Fuck off? I need you?».

I take a bit of rationality of each of those options and I blend them all so that in the end the result is an attitude kind of 'I don't have the faintest idea of what I'm doing so I'll improvise and see what happens' and I pick up the phone again, I press the speed dial button and in the on the fourth ringing I'm about to finish it up when on the other side there's an answer.

"Yeah…? Who is it…?" he asks between babblings, I hear him yawning and making those sounds that everyone makes when they're stretching while they wake up. "Is… anyone there?".

I stay quiet but I make sure that my breathing is heard on the other side of the line, like if I were one of those perverts who occasionally comes out on the television police programs. From time to time I like to listen to them while Madison watches them, so I can exercise my memory a bit and remember what was happening in each one of the scenes, but now it isn't a good time to think about them.

"Hello?" his voice now sounds tired, or rather like if he was sick. I don't blame him because he can sleep in peace. "Listen, I don't know if you're a dude or a chick who's drunk, but whoever you are it's too…".

"Hey".

It's the only word in which I can think of, a so simple and little word with a big and huge power that could even result in deep collapse in the mind of anyone. I don't want to imagine the kind of tangled thoughts that there must be on Spencer's head after my horrible way to treat him after the song that he dedicated me in the auditorium.

I still seem to hear the whispers of Kitty and Madison during his performance, describing me the intensity of his gaze while he was singing, how vulnerable and shy he seemed with so many people present, how surprised they were for being able to see an act that could almost be called as something exotic, because surely it will not happen again in this millennium. I would be fascinated to see everything of that…

"M-Mason?" he says after a few seconds that seemed like years, and right now it seems like if my voice make that the sleep became something minimal. I think I just found a good way to scare someone to death.

"Ah… yeah, hi".

The nail of my index finger hits the back of the phone while the only thing that we exchange is breathings, mine is considerably calm while his accelerates and decreases slightly. I shouldn't call so late, but who knows what would have happened if I waited until tomorrow morning.

Perhaps there wouldn't be a considerable change, but if I didn't do so right now then it's very probable that I would have decided to ignore it and go on pretending that I hate him when deep down I lo… estimate him.

I'll cross out that and say that deep down I want him to be by my side.

"It's four o'clock of the morning, is something wrong?" he says finally after a couple of minutes that seemed like hours.

"I'm not sure…" «I had a pretty wild and hot dream about you, do you want to see what might happen if we act on it?», fortunately he's not present to watch the slap that I give to me for thinking such things like that. It could cause him a heart attack, or a boner, or something like that.

"I think that something happened" I say after another minutes seeming like hours.

"Did you kill someone? Because I don't think that I can help you hide a corpse".

"It's not about that" a smile appears on my face for knowing that he could help me in the unlikely event that I decide to kill someone.

"Did you find the way to conquer the world?".

"No. Spencer, please, this is kind of a bit too serious" I run a hand through my hair, tangled because of the pillow and for my wild movements when I'm trying to sleep.

"And how it is that I can help you then?".

I prepare myself to say that the best way in which he can help me is keeping, at least, two kilometers away from me, and maybe that would help to realize the deep need that I have for his company. Kitty could tell me that based with insults, but I don't want that now.

"Can you come to my house? I think that would help".

"Did you already saw how dark it is outside?" he gasps, like if he was retracting for his words.

"Yeah, well, lately everything has become a little darker than usual" and I laugh at my own comment, getting a nervous laugh escaping from him. "Besides… I have to talk to you".

I've always noticed, and it has happened to me, that there is a deep fear for those six seemingly insignificant couple of words, but they're just the right combination to make a person to stop eating, sleeping, thinking in a coherent way; they're simply a combination that can mean a catastrophe of biblical proportions or just a chat to solve any sort of problems.

If he's smart enough then he'll know what I mean, though neither I do know.

"Sure, of course" I can swear that he's insulting to himself, but I'm surprised that I didn't react like an asshole. "I would if I didn't know that you hate me for what I did yesterday".

"It's about that of what I want to talk" I bite my lower lip a little, enough for my blood to flood my mouth. "Please?".

He snorts and again I only hear his breathing, now somewhat heavy and durable. I guess he just fall asleep, maybe he's thinking that I'm just a bad dream and that when he wakes up everything will be better. I wish I would be just a bad dream.

"Okay" he says so out of the blue that I was about to loose a squeal against the phone. "And so, do I arrive to the front door? Or maybe I have to climb up to your window?".

"I don't know, which one would be more fun?" if he was here he could see that I'm arching my right eyebrow with a hint of malice.

"I suppose that from the window… would be easier, only if you answer to my call when I ask you to… let down your long hair" he says between yawns.

"… I'll try to not feel slightly offended".

I put the phone on the right side of my face and stretch out like a cat, releasing a whimper without some kind of impairment. Then again I focus on the fact that I don't hear anything more than a slight snoring on the other side of the line for almost two minutes, I know that because I hear the movement of the clockwise nearby the phone.

"Spencer?" I ask with my voice slightly raised.

"Huh? Ah, yeah, of course. Mason, visit at his place, it's four of the morning" he yawns and I don't do anything more than keep wanting to swallow my stupid petitions. "I'll be there in a minute" and the call ends from the other side of the line.

I put the phone in its place and stay still for a few minutes, thinking that if it is true that he lives nearby, adding to it that if he stands then he will fall asleep like a flamingo, he'll take some time to get here.

Strange as it may seem, the fact that I could hear his voice after my little moment of stupidity calms me down a little bit. I had in mind the idea that he would end the call immediately that I confirmed that it was me with who he was talking.

I get up after playing with my hair for a while, stepping out of my room and going down the stairs on a cautious way, skipping the stairs that creaks and squeaks every time that someone steps on them. I can't imagine the reaction of mom if she knew that someone's in the house at this time, but she always receives the visitors in a good way.

I arrive to the front door in the right time when I hear Spencer finishing going up to the porch and hitting one of the crystals that adorns the door. My sense of hearing has become quite good after all of this, almost as much as my touch did it.

"Who's there?" I ask in a whisper.

"You have to be kidding me".

I open the door enough to hear the sound of crickets along with the light and cool breeze blowing. Winter is getting closer.

"I'm sorry, I get cranky if I don't sleep well".

"Whatever, come in".

I move aside and open the door completely, his steps come in dragging and a very long yawn accompanies them. I close the door behind him, we stand there like statues for a couple of minutes, even I hear him falling on the wall and raising up a few times.

"Then, what did you…?" I place my index finger against my lips to silence him, he obeys me and I reach out to find one of his arms.

"This isn't the best place to talk".

I take his hand and pull him with the little strength that I possess in my arms, the two of us come up the stairs with a somewhat accelerated pace, but completely stealthy, to my room and when I close the door behind me I feel a little calmer.

"Can I turn on the light?" he asks, not sure for doing so, I know that because of the tone in his voice.

"If you want to, there's not much of a difference anyway" I smile.

Since I don't hear the sound of the damper I simply move forward without saying a word and I sit on the mattress, I pat the space beside me and within milliseconds he sits beside me, his knee touches mine and I approach a little bit closer.

"So… you wanna talk?" I nod, and I just do that.

I can't think in a proper and correct way to set off what I just dream and what I think it represents. I vote for not describe the dream and take what it means, I proceed to break up the parts that symbolize the growing affection that I have for him and try to make the right sentences to express it.

"I suppose…" we both say at the same time, both of us willing to break the silence, and we laughed at our simultaneous act.

"I'm sorry that…" we both say at unison again, we laugh about it again but now it doesn't seem too much as a shared joke. I really want to apologize for what I just did.

"I think that what I mean is that…" it scares me the fact that we can think the same things to try to solve the problem, and it's annoying that neither of us can do so without the other interrupting.

Before I can even say anything else one of his hands places over my mouth, the perfect way to keep me quiet. I would have done the same thing if I had the slightest clue of where his face is, because surely if I tried to do so then surely I would have take one of his eyes out and I would have make a small cut with my considerably long nails.

"I'm sorry I sing something for you when deep down I know that you don't feel the same way and you hate me for let it show".

I move my eyes to his hand, he moves it away slowly when he understands that I mean to say something, and when it's far enough I assure myself to leave a small smile on my lips.

"It's just… I don't know, I thought there was something between us and I took the option to go face to face about it".

I move a little closer, enough so he can place his left arm on my shoulders and my head finds a place on his shoulder. My left hand finds his and I take it only to realize that I'm not the only one who is trembling, and I could say that also a bit scared, about all of this.

" _There_ is something, I can also feel it" I move my head to the right and my nose almost collides against his neck, the smell of his skin late in the morning is sublime and intoxicating.

He stiffens for each of my breaths, he whispers a couple of nonsenses and I can even feel that his body temperature increases.

It also blooms in me that my temperature suddenly arises, but it's for the fact that I'm accepting this when outside there's a whole world that could go crazy when it hears about it. Including my parents.

"Here and now I'm admitting that I feel something for you, Spencer" he pulls me closer to him, if that's possible, but I force myself to split my head away from his shoulder. "But…".

I digress a bit on that last part, I'm not sure of the words that I want to use, but either way that they get out of my head I want them to mean how important he is for me, how much I want this, with the same intensity that he does, how safe I feel with him and how it is that I feel about the world.

"But?" he whispers in my right temple.

"I'm scared" there was a dividing line that now stops being present, now it just seems that we occupy the same place and spot in my bed, in the space; in the universe.

"By me?" I shake my head no immediately, and that makes him to release a sigh of relief.

"Of course not" I swallow hard and the words kind of begin to form in my head. "I'm afraid of what's out there, from the people who probably wouldn't seem to be normal that two guys, one of them blind, go walking around holding hands and demonstrating affection".

That word gives me a bit of conflict, I'd never before used it in a speech that I said aloud, those are the kind of words that I'd rather keep to myself. But Spencer just limits himself to nods with his throat and squeezing his hug over my shoulders.

"I think that what I mean is that I'm not ready to shout from the rooftops that I'm…".

"Mason, wait" he moves his arm away from my shoulders, he stands up from the mattress only to kneel in front of me, taking my hands and taking a little more of my sanity with it. "I don't want you to think for a second that you have to do something like that".

"It's not like that?".

"Of course not, if you feel that you must do so then be my guest, if you don't feel so then don't. It's not entirely necessary and I'm never going to push you to do that or any other thing".

He takes back his place beside me, his arm around me again and right now everything seems a little warmer and clear. My right arm surrounds him from behind and I place my hand on his waist, he pants slightly and that shows me that I'm the first person to do that. Either that or that he's susceptible to tickling.

"Then that's what you want? This?" I ask, making a motion with my right arm to point out to both of us. "Me?".

He lifts my chin and I give him a warm smile, his thumb draws a line under my lower lip and he kisses my hair before doing so against my forehead, taking with it a short sigh that is enough for him to release a giggle. I guess he could see the smile that I gave him, but there's also the fact that I don't know if I would like him to be the first one to give the real kiss.

"Why not?" he whispers in my ear.

My head places on his chest, at the height of his heart, I hear the strong and slightly accelerated heartbeat while his other arm finishes surrounding me. All of this couldn't feel any better; it's correct, it's fine, I feel complete and free to act in any way that whatever that I feel for him rends as an opinion.

One of his fingers slides down my right arm, sending a tingle every second that it takes him to run it down. Now it's now like the startle and the strange sense of the touch from a stranger, rather it seems to be a way to show me what an idiot I was being for pushing him away.

I needed him, I need him and I'll need him, perhaps for a few months, a few days or for a lifetime; I don't know, the point is that I don't want to be away from him anymore.

When he reaches the area where the scar of the moment of idiocy is his hand moves away and now the tickling feels really annoying. That part of my skin became and will always remain being vulnerable and more sensitive, according to the comments of the doctors in, I hope, the last visit to the hospital to remove the stitches.

"Even with the stumbles?" I ask, though indeed I would have preferred to keep it in silent.

"With them and whatever that's going to come" he assures with a voice full of tiredness.

To continue his answer he raise up my arm and guides it towards his lips, he kisses it and follows an upward path until he wraps me in a hug, without the need of asking, and I can't help feeling myself like a teddy bear that's being crushed with all the affection that a small child is able to give.

My heart makes a freefall in my chest and the first thing that occurs to me is to hold on to him, returning the hug and also giving myself to this and more, to whatever that is ahead.

"I want to hug you all the times that is needed until you heal completely, I want to kiss each and every one of your imperfections until you forget everything about them, I want to be a better person for you, I want to give you all of what I'm capable of. But most importantly I want you to know that I'll always be here, even if the universe explodes" if I could see my reflection then I could confirm that I'm blushing excessively.

All those words, all of his purposes and those that surely he wasn't able to mention now are bothering me, they do it for the knowledge that he's so willing to give himself in all the areas that a person can while I'm just taking slow and shaky baby steps. I want to give me as much as he does, the problem is that I don't know how.

"I accept" I answer without thinking about it, also considering the ambivalence of the word.

He kisses me on the forehead and the tip of one of his fingers places on my nose. He throws back and takes me with him, during the fall the position of our arms changes and now mine are trapped between our bodies while his are behind my neck and my back.

I close my eyes and let a silly grin when his breath hits my hair while his right hand makes small and gentle touches on my neck, bringing a new sleepiness that I hadn't experienced in a long time. I almost forgot that we're doing all of this late in the late morning.

"I think we should try to get some sleep" his hands stop moving and the force with which he was holding me now loses a little, but I don't hear the slight snoring. He fell asleep anyway. "Spencer?".

I release myself from his arms with ease and I lean on my left arm, I reach out shakily and I find one of the muscles of his chest. I don't know why I think that all that he said was the result of madness for being up so late, but I will stay with the fact that I spoke with the truth.

"Spencer, wake up" I move him by shaking his shoulder, he wakes up with a startle.

"Huh? What's going on…?" he yawns like for the millionth time since he has been here.

"Nothing, you fell asleep and it's freezing. You'd better cover yourself with the blankets, I don't want you to catch cold".

"Oh, you already care so much about me?" he touches the tip of my nose with one of his fingers.

"No push your luck" I smile a little shyly.

"Sure, and maybe you can say that I'm an abusive or something, but can I take my shirt off? I hate to use them to sleep".

"Oh, yeah, sure, anything that you need to feel comfortable" I blush a little knowing that maybe it could happen if I could see him, that wouldn't do anything more but only make the dream that I just had to get back at its finest.

"But I don't want you to think that I'm taking advantage or something, I do it for comfort".

"I understand it, I'll feel comfortable while you're comfortable".

Before we can continue with our game to extend what the other said he rises from the mattress, moment in which I take advantage to also lift the sheets and settle up some of the disaster that I have for bed.

I perceive his extra weight when he comes up to my bed, I'm dedicated to smoothing the sheets and settle a couple of pillows, the mattress is big enough for us to sleep without any kind of problem, without us having to take off our blankets from each other or anything.

"Your sheets are going to kill me, they're extremely soft and I love their smell" I take that as a kind of compliment and I give him a small smile, "also I think it's the most comfortable bed in which I've ever been".

I stopped moving for a second, enough to slightly arch my right eyebrow, wondering if he really just made that clarification. I guess that he realizes my gesture because he begins to stutter a bit and move slowly, like if he were looking for ways to make excuses.

"D-don't misunderstand me, it's not like if I get into the bed of every guy that I visit…".

Now I arch both eyebrows, inside I'm on the verge of bursting into laughter for hearing him stammering and looking for ways to contradict what he's contradicting, outside I try to show that I'm giving some degree of seriousness to what he's saying and what he's not saying. I'm so entertained that I want to continue with this for hours.

"N-no! Don't look at me like that" I close my eyelids and breathe slowly, I calm down a bit more every time that I inhale and exhale. "Damn it, I didn't mean that! I was referring to…".

"I think that the best thing for you to do is going to sleep".

I turn on my right side, supposedly staring out to the window, the blizzard's still lashing out and that makes the floor to feel so much colder, and if to that I add the fact that there's a visitor beyond unexpected and that he has no space to spend the night then I guess that…

"Are you angry?" he murmurs against the back of my neck, causing a shiver to run down to the last of my nerve endings. I cling to the mattress, swallowing the lump that was forming in my throat and I limit myself to blow some air through my nose.

"I'm holding a sigh, that's all that I'm doing".

He stretches his head enough to be able to kiss me on the cheek, and instead of pull away or shrug I turn my head a little bit, just enough so that his lips places at the corners of mine.

I'm dying for that first kiss to happen, but I'm also too exhausted to enjoy it that much. Although… if this is another dream induced by sleeping pills then I don't want to wake up from it on the same abrupt way, because it would be the best dream that I've had in weeks.

"Sweet dreams, Mason" he kisses me as fast as he can once more and he returns to his former position, looking at my nape and holding me as close as his possible to.

I don't want this distance, never again.

Without thinking it even once, and still it's something so weird that neither I'd dare to believe that I'm doing so, I throw away the pillow that was splitting our bodies as farthest as I can within milliseconds, forcing one of his arms to surround my waist and I move a little further back, finding the warmth of his body, the strength of his muscles and his breath against my hair.

"I'm just gonna say that if tomorrow morning you're not longer hugging me then we're done, got it?" that combination of words is somewhat strange because we didn't give the boring speech that usually people gives when they want to formalize a relationship. I guess we're not that usual.

As a response his nose places back in my neck, he inhales deeply and only moves his head to nod. The rubbing of his nose against my skin causes me to tighten my toes and that the sigh that was threatening to leave eventually finds its way out, breaking the silence that suddenly emerged among us.

"I will not let you go in a million years".

He kisses me again exactly at the midpoint between my shoulders, I close my eyelids with a silly smile on my lips, I slid my right hand along his arm, and when I find his fingers, around my waist, I don't have to do a great effort to make our fingers to get entwine.

"Sweet dreams, Spencer" I don't know in what kind of trouble I just get myself into, but whatever the consequences will be I'm more than willing to accept them. "I love you".

I freeze on that very moment, I could blame for it to a madness made by drowsiness, but honestly those are words that had come to me since the first time in which he gave me _Carrie_ , although it may have been a little earlier, but it was in that moment because it showed me that he will be with me even if I did something beyond stupid.

"I love you too" he goes back to stretch his head and kisses me again at the corners of my lips.

I close my eyes, I begin to lose consciousness for every second that I stay still and his heavy breathing reminds me that this is one of the moments I thank that my wildest dreams had keep me awake.

Because he's in them and he will be in them for a while.


	17. I think I'm in love

Hey everyone, I'm so sorry for the HUGE late but I kind of fell sleep all day long (school is taking my life away). Anyway, here's another chapter, and I can't believe that it's almost over, there are so many things inside my head that I think that the next chapters are going to be a bit longer. Fav, follow or review, enjoy :)

* * *

 **I think I'm in love**

I move my head a little bit, or rather what's lying beneath me moves a little bit, it does at such a slow and steady rhythm that I just want to close my eyelids and sleep for another couple of millennia. For a moment I question to myself whether if the pillows can be inflating just like that, but it isn't until that movement is accompanied for a firm grip of a hand on my shoulder that everything makes sense again.

I've never been a huge fan of sleeping with company, I've always liked to be able to move with complete freedom on the huge mattress, but now I just can't deny that I feel completely protected, extremely relaxed, like if here and now I was able to overcome all the obstacles that my new disability can bring to my kind of horrible existence.

But above all those things I feel loved in a greater way than a person usually does when you are with your family. Spencer gives me all that and more, though he's now unconscious, also that I don't think that he likes too much to hear that sort of things when he wakes up because of his personality.

He's with me now, that's the most important thing in the moment. And… well, damn, I think I'm in love.

"Mason?" he shakes me a little, the least thing that I want to do now is to think that I have to get up. "Mason, wake up".

I nuzzle my nose against his chest, or his abs, or his nipple, I'm not quite sure, but wherever where I'm nuzzling causes him to contain his sighing urges. I growl against the exposed skin of the shapely muscles of his body and pretend like if I really had just woke up.

"Five more minutes" I raise up my head slightly, my eyelids still closed, and I purse my lips with every word.

"It's almost noon, I think that we should get up".

"Five more minutes" I say with a slightly more severe tone, and for that to work I completely guide my left hand over his abs to the other side of his waist, drowning the strange screams that now are tearing my throat.

"O-okay, five more m-minutes" he gives up to my request, and as an extra thing he kisses my hair. "Also I'm gonna say that with your tousled hair and all that you're a mess" I arch an eyebrow and purse my lips to the right.

"You're a…".

"But you're the cutest mess in the universe".

I smile like a moron and get settled again, bringing both of my hands to my chest, once again being wrapped by his arms. But, when I realize that we aren't in the same position from last night, the cravings for sleeping are quickly supplied by the fact that I just really want to start bothering him at so early hours of the morning.

"Wait, now that I think about it…" I leave the sentence unfinished, I roll onto my stomach and get up on my elbows.

"What is it?" he asks, slightly confused.

"I think you should leave, we're done".

"I'd like to know exactly what's done" he doubts a little more, but I try to not change the tone of my voice to sound a little more believable.

"Oh, stop pretending. I mean this, whatever that this is" the movement that I perceive that he makes with his hand is one that would say something like 'what the hell is this dude talking about'. "I told you that if you weren't still hugging me in the morning then everything would be done, and you weren't doing it".

I guess that he lies on his left side because one of his hands stirs my hair and slid down my face to cup one of my cheeks, also sighing slightly and clearing his throat.

"In my defense I'll say that technically I was still hugging, or at least my arms were around you" I move forward with my elbows to get a little closer to him. A point in his favor. "Furthermore it was you who began to move, and I can swear that you sighed when you ended up just where you were a minute ago, so I don't take that we're done".

Well, Spencer wins this little game.

"I'll only give you the rights because you're too comfortable".

I stretch my left arm and meet his shoulder, I push him slightly, and doing so he lies on his back again and I can place my head on his heart one more time. One of his hands starts doing slowly paced caresses in my hair, I fully hug him while breathe out a sigh, closing my eyelids again and I'm ready to take those extra five minutes of sleep.

I find it strange to feel like if every part of my body began to fade off per second that I stay still and waiting for the sleepiness to completely take absolute control over me, adding that hearing him humming a lullaby makes from this just an extremely awesome day.

"Alright, your five minutes are over" and he had to ruin the morning.

I growl louder and put both hands on his abs, resting my chin over them. I cock my head slightly to the left, I smile to him and close my eyelids, raising both eyebrows and blowing him a kiss; his body gets tense immediately and a choppy breath comes out from his chest, like if I managed to get it out from the deepest of his soul.

"You're so cute" I say with a sigh at the end.

"You're even more… agh, you're cruel! That's what you are".

I blow him another kiss, being answered in just the same way, but now he moves forward to kiss me on the forehead. A pretty handy swift move because I couldn't prevent it.

"So that's how you wanna play? Because I can think in a few things to level up your entire little attempt to get rid of me".

"If I'm completely honest with you I don't think I would like to hear them" he tickles me under my chin and I can't help but release a little laugh. "Fine, let's see what you got".

He pumps up his chest, like if he knew that he just won another small duel just like if he knew that he found one of my most vulnerable spots. He clears his throat and I hear that he releases a small giggle, and I really don't want to know the kind of things in which he could be…

"Can I take off my pants?".

Blank. Everything inside me is blank. It's like if whatever that is produced by my hormones to such thoughts now is devoted to turn everything into a white cloud, with fuzzy details and some things that wouldn't make much sense in this dimension, or anywhere else.

"What?! No! Of course not!" he lets out an evil laugh with all the freedom in the world, I give him a light punch on the ribs.

"Then can I at least take my underwear off? It's kind of oppressive".

I squint a bit and arch an eyebrow, I'm about to deny his beyond than crazy and stupid request when a bit of curiosity comes over me. I don't stop feeling that I'm blushing for every one of all the completely exciting and blurry images that pops up in my head, but the less of he knows about the power that he has over me is better.

"Is it possible to take your underwear off but still have your pants on?".

"You wanna find out?" I arch a little more my right eyebrow, snorting and putting myself on the defensive posture. Like always.

"I seem to remember that I told you to not push your luck" he snorts stronger than me, and this time I'm not willing to continue it because it would look like if we were buffalos competing or something.

"You're just a killjoy" he responds with nothing more, but that doesn't mean that the fun tone in his voice has to be lost for the slightest moment. "Then I'll ask: can I take your shirt off?".

"No, Spencer, you can't" I say, a little tired of this.

"And your pants?" I blush and bury my head a little more at the same time. He really needs to know what he's asking, he can't play like that with me, not if he knew the kind of reactions that arises for his so weird ideas.

"No, you can't do that either".

"And your underwear?" I finally lift my head, still with an embarrassing heat up and with my hands shaking even more.

"Are you insinuating something to me?" pretend dementia, my kind of thing.

"Maybe, I don't know really. I just woke up with the cutest guy in the world wrapped in my arms, I think that kind of things can happen to anyone in this same situation".

For a moment I think back again in all the kind of absurdly cheesy things that came to mind when I just woke up, but I prefer to see how far we can take this whole situation. Besides that I like slightly more hearing him saying those cute compliments.

"Anyway no, you can't".

"Boring".

He kisses me on the forehead again, the total opposite of what he just said. He stands still for a few seconds, smiling for each one of them, my hand places on his waist and moves all the way up over the exposed muscles of his back and to the back of his neck.

"D-do you hate me?" he whispers nervously against my head, and that question takes me by surprise.

The simple fact that he has agreed to talk to me last night, along with his unconditional company during all my ups and downs, plus that right now I can feel that the beating of my heart increasingly accelerates per second for having him so close tells me all the opposite to whatever someone can feel when they hate someone.

"No, Spencer, I don't hate you" I move to sit with my legs close to my chest. Groping I reach out my right hand and find one of his own, I entwine our fingers and also give him a small but warm smile.

"Then… do you love me?".

I stop entwining our fingers and again my hand slides down his arm to his shoulder, the perfect guide to continue my actions. I build myself with a little more of courage because of the foolishness and probably incoherent things about what I'm going to do but I get up just enough so that one of my legs surrounds him, descending slowly on his lap and trying my best to not think about… other crazy things.

He's about to say something but I manage to put one of my fingers over his lips to hush him, his hands places on my waist but they slip up until they're entwined in my lower back. I move my hands to place them behind his neck, my thumbs slowly moving at the point where his hair begins to grow. We both let go a deep and lasting sigh.

"You're… Mason, y-you're looking into my eyes…" he whispers, completely surprised, something that I'm also feeling.

"Perfect, because like that I can tell you that I really love you, this time it isn't madness for lacking of sleep".

"Are you serious?" my hands are now moving to his cheeks.

"Yeah, I talking serious" I rub the tip of his nose against mine while I'm smiling, I talk to him in a low and sweet tone of voice, the same tone of voice that I've only dedicated to people with whom I'm in complete confidence. "I love you Spencer, I really can say it and feel it".

He moves forward but I manage to turn my head a few degrees to the right, moment where his lips places again in the corners of mine. I bite the inside of my cheek slightly to not sigh against his face, but something inside me tells me to do that.

"And… well, I think that you can take care of my shirt" his hands immediately gets tense, I guess that he didn't expected me to change my mind in such a nearer future. "But just a minute, okay?".

"Everything that you order, Mace".

Even on the hottest nights I like to sleep with clothes on, at least with a simple shirt, but when his lightly cold fingers touches a bit of the skin from my waist when he takes the hems of my shirt I realize that I'm totally terrified at the same time that I want to give small jumps of weird and sudden joy, but then I remember that I'm on his lap.

It takes him a few seconds to remove the shirt from my body, he puts it aside and lets out a little gasp. The tips of his fingers begins to move all along every millimeter of skin, over every little muscle, even he seems to find the accelerated beating of my heart as the most entertaining place that may exist. Instead of doing what he's doing I hold my hands around his neck, letting out the nervous shrieks and biting my lower lip a little.

"You're so…".

"Skinny? Weak? With scars?" I shrug for saying each of those things, and fortunately I don't let out the other set that keeps inside my head. I didn't expect the following thing.

"You're so perfect" he ducks his head to kiss my chest and he whispers those words against my skin.

He moves with a combination of slow but determined movements from my stomach, kissing and whispering how perfect I am (for him) until he reaches my collarbone, and before he can begin with his attack on my neck I put my right hand on his forehead.

It's embarrassing to know that there's a creepy and horrible tent inside my pants right now.

"I'm sorry" he whispers without departing one moment from my body.

"T-there's no reason to be, it's just that…" I move aside the hand from his forehead but I use it to cup one of his cheeks, caressing his cheekbone and smiling for his smile, "I don't know, everything of this is so new that I don't know how to react".

"We'll figure it out, right?" he kisses me on the tip of my nose and without mercy he starts kissing my neck. Now my nails are clinging to his skin, his bare chest is rubbing against mine and I'm just losing my mind.

"S-sure, w-whatever you say, b-but a-anyway your t-time is up".

The shirt places on my neck and he helps me to wear it again, I let him to do his good deed of the morning and I reward him with a hug, he puts his face in my chest and my nose ends of his short, spiky hair.

"I never thought that this would feel so… nice" he says, moving back his head and placing his forehead on mine.

"I never thought that I'd be doing this sort of things with a friend".

The atmosphere becomes tense immediately, but it's not like if I really want to say that word with the meaning to offend him, but simply (contrary to everything that I had in mind) I just want him to ask me.

"Friend?" he asks, completely outraged, I can also swear that he's raising an eyebrow.

"Yeah, you know, there wasn't something like a formal request so…".

"Fine, fine, if that's how you want it" he settles into his place, holding me by my lower back with his left arm. His right hand goes up, drawing a curved line on my side, and it places in my cheek, stroking my cheekbone and getting me to blush. "Mason McCarthy, would you want to be mine? Would you like to be my…?" he lets the sentence unfinished.

"Your… what?" I breathe with some difficulty.

"You're not gonna make me say it, right? It would be so… weird" he snaps out completing some of the idea that was in my head.

"Well then I guess that we'll be something like friends with benefits".

"Agh, you're killing me, Mason" I raise both eyebrows to give this a mocking gesture. He clears his throat and the breathing that's coming out from him is something next to shakily. "Would you like to be my… boyfriend?".

The 'b-word' has come, I was afraid to get to this point. I was afraid of it because I can't find a way to behave in a decent way to such a request, although it's the first time that I receive one from a guy, but the sweet tone of the voice with which he speaks to me just prevents me to reject anything that he's going to ask for from now on.

"Yeah, I want to be yours. I want to be your boyfriend".

He lets out a nervous laugh and stops stroking my cheekbone, my head cocks slightly to the right, just like his. Our breaths are crossing and the feeling of the warmth from his body hitting the heat that's surely emanating from mine is something as indescribable as exciting. I'd been missing out of so many things, but not anymore.

"Now I'm gonna kiss you" he whispers, sending a dead short straight to my brain when one of his fingers places under my chin.

"Please" I whisper back when his lips are less than a millimeter away from mine", I want you to…".

"Mason, breakfast is ready since almost… oh…".

In the moment when I heard my name I became into a stone, but in a stone with a large enough rational sense to roll off from his lap, thanking to every little thing that someone is able to thank to that I have the shirt over my body once again.

Spencer lets out the air through his mouth in a kind of hissing combined with a whistle way, and he drops back onto the mattress. His hand places behind me but with a flick I move him away.

"Mom! Could you at least knock the next time before you come in, please?! I could have been naked or doing… something, I don't know" «perhaps it might happen a moment with so much less clothing than the one's we're wearing right now».

"I-I'm sorry, I thought that maybe you were still asleep so…".

"That's even worse! You know that I haven't slept well lately, it would be almost a miracle that I had done it so late" Spencer's index finger entwines with mine below the sheet, I close my eyelids and breathe deeply a couple of times. "But that doesn't matter, there's an explanation for all of this".

"I'm sure that's true, but for now the important thing is getting breakfast" she speaks with extreme sweetness in her voice, like if she hadn't seen her son astride over some other guy's lap. "Spencer, would you like to join us?".

Like if I really were going to achieve anything huge I put my right hand on his stomach, but when he raises up on his arms, and the strong muscles of his abs flexes under my palm, it seems like if he were totally moving aside the word 'sanity' from my head.

At least he has the decency to put a sheet over him, exact moment where my hand comes back to be as closer it can from my body. It's just my imagination or it began to get hot in here?

"I… uh, well, I don't think that's a very good idea, Mrs. McCarthy" he moves a little to the left, his knee touches mine and I just shrug like crazy. This is just so embarrassing. "Besides I was about to go, so…".

"Oh, but I insist that you should stay. A couple of days ago I was telling Mason that I hadn't seen you so often here, but now I think that…".

"Mom, breakfast" I say, clenching my jaw and trying to prevent her to keep going further with her attempt of who knows what.

"Yeah, that was the deal. Stay please, I baked cinnamon rolls" «great, mom just hit straight on the target to achieve him to stay for now. Maybe even for the rest of the whole week».

I hear a little gasp, something just almost imperceptible, but my new and amazing sense of hearing catches it without a problem. I almost burst into laughter at his reaction, but I'm so immersed in my thoughts and so nervous about what might happen right now that I just can't let it happen. I should impose the law about nock before coming in a long time ago, although we were just having a good time… me over his lap, treating us like if we were doing this more than often.

"Glazed?" he asks, like if he were a small child asking for an extra helping of ice cream.

"Oh, of course! Is there something better in the world?" mom lets out a little laugh to accompany her comment, Spencer accompanies it too while I'm still thinking that today it's the weirdest morning in which I've ever awakened in.

"Then I guess that we'll be downstairs in a minute, right?" he asks and one of his fingers pokes my right side. I almost jump up to the ceiling.

"Yeah, sure, whatever. We'll be down in a bit".

Mom releases another small giggle and I hear the door closing slowly, with every second it seems like if a part of my sanity was fading away, not in the same way it was doing so with the fact that we were having a great time, but now it more seems just like if a huge and heavy stone were sinking me into a pond, and I have no way out.

"Does your mother knew already that I was going to come?" he asks, like if I really knew such things.

"Trust me, I don't either had contemplated that you was going to come".

I drop on my right side, just like a log, I put my knees as closest as I can against my chest but I don't hug them, instead I order to my arms to find some way to protect myself from whatever that the oddities of this morning has ready for me.

"Okay, that was…" I put one of my arms over me, like if it was enough to thwart his attempt to move it off from me. "Mason, what happens?".

"She… she saw us…" I gasp, my chest is compressing and my throat seems to be closing up per second. "The tone of her voice, how she reacted… surely everything will fall apart in just a second".

"Mason, you don't have to worry…".

"Of course I do! It may have sounded sweet but oh damn the world, I can imagine the kind of things that went through her head when she saw you… when she saw me…".

I place my head on his shoulder and let his arm to place over me, it calms me down a little and just until he kisses my left temple is when my moment of panic disappears completely.

"Yes, she saw us, but she was smiling, too much actually".

"You swear it?".

"I assure you that, and if any problems arise then you know that you'll have me at your back. You know that, right?" I move my head from his shoulder just enough so I can give him a lasting kiss on the cheek. He smiles for every second that it takes me to show him the confidence and how good I feel by his side.

"Of course I do, Spens" now he's the one who kisses me, and he does it again in the corners of my lips. I'm starting to get tired of it, but I'm bringing a lot from me to our first kiss.

"I like the sound of that, but not as much as the aroma that's coming from the kitchen" we both take a deep breathe, filling our lungs with the aroma of freshly cooked breakfast. "Can we go downstairs now? I'm starving".

My stomach growls loudly, just like his. I move my head and kiss him on the cheek, I stand up and stretch a couple of times until the last of my bones cracks, taking away my laziness.

"Alright, let's go downstairs then".

* * *

Coming from me the breakfast goes along with my fork crashing into my plate, shrugging my shoulders like never before and occasionally taking a piece of the totally delicious cinnamon rolls baked by mom. For the others it's just the entire opposite.

Dad's talking with Spencer in the most bustling way about the last game of the Redskins, the one that had him hating the whole universe because it was a scam of the biggest ones to both of them. The two of them seems to be just so good friends for their talks about tactics, Spencer plans for an athletic scholarship and all those things that this doesn't seems to be so strange. I guess dad's happy because he no longer has to vent his frustration yelling at the television.

On the other side mom is being flattered almost for breathing, but I guess that's an extra reason for being because surely he's trying to mitigate or clear out from her head the idea that our great little moment was the first thing that she saw when she burst into my room without some kind of notice.

Anyway, I've managed to get a friend my parents and a… boyfriend for me, and that should be a recognition that should be framed and put on the tallest pedestal of the world.

"Ms. McCarthy, I think it's the thousandth time that I say it, but these are the best roles I've had in what I take from existence".

"Thank you, Spencer" she says, with happiness in her voice. She doesn't have a tendency to receive praise from us at breakfast because they're not needed, our expressions of complete happiness speaks for us when we had the first bite are more than enough.

"You're right, you really did something great with that oven. Every day I love you a little more, honey" and I hear them kissing, making me to divert my head to the left.

There are two tables in the whole house, one that's nearer the living room and is only used in very important events, the other one is in the kitchen, which is round and somehow it's a little small. Spencer is sitting on my left, with one of his hands from time to time tracing circles in my knee when he's not using it to highlight his gestures when he's talking to dad.

Madison is on my right, like always, murdering me and asking me so many questions with your inner psychic voice that I just simply can't concentrate on anything else.

"Could you just talk and done? I'm starting to get really pissed off" my jaw gets tense and I whisper low enough so that mom and dad can keep talking with Spencer the toady.

"What is he doing here?" she answers in the same whispered tone, but now it seems that she have overcome with the hatred that she he had for me. Now she seems to be surprised, or happy, or something.

"I called him last night right after when you decided to leave me in the kitchen, I needed to clarify a couple of things with him".

"And he stayed because…?".

"Ugh enough, Kitty also has been here too and I don't ask those kinds of questions about it".

She hesitates a bit, and she knows that I'm right, so just she smears something on my nose. I guess that she tried to do a tantrum with some of the glaze because she knows that I'm right, but right now I just give so little importance that I only roll my eyes and turn to shrug again, feeling the strange desires to bang my head against the table and sleep.

"Well, someone made a little mess here. Let me help you".

«Please, no. Spencer, no, stop. Don't do anything that…».

He places one hand under my chin, using a napkin to clean up the attempt to annoy me from Madison. I freeze immediately when he finishes and his hand stays there, trembling but firmly by his decision to do that, I dedicate him a smile and close my eyelids, at which he releases me so I can finally feel the blush breaking out against me.

The episode goes slightly unnoticed because we all get back to make our cutlery to collide against the plates, Spencer can't avoid saying his flattering phrases and he also doesn't avoid drawing circles on the back of my hand. I bite my tongue to not release a long and schoolgirly sigh.

"I don't remember hearing the front door in the morning" dad says. He's not the kind of man who says things like that by simple association, he always does it for an answer or an explanation. "Call me crazy but maybe you come to climb out from a window?".

Mom and Madison laughs by his comment while my hands become fists on my knees. Absolute terror comes over me, it runs through each one of my veins and for the first time I thank that I'm not able to see everything that's happening around me, but his hand standing over mine slowly moves away every one of those thoughts, transforming them into a smile.

"Actually he came here because I asked him" I say.

"Really?" Madison asks, and I was just more than enjoying that she was deeply quiet.

"Yeah, he did" I growl at her.

"Well, it seems fine to me, but I think that you never ever invited a friend to stay for the night, so…".

"He's not a friend" I swallow hard the sudden lump that's forming in my throat, my jaw's trembling but anyway I still keep going on with what I have to say, "at least he isn't anymore. He became something else".

I don't know why I imagined this situation like one of those television dramas where the boy with self-doubts stands in front of his parents to only get all kind of comments and ideas that it's simply a stage or something, and that it will just pass. Then I remember that my life is like a drama of poor quality, one of those where only a few things can survive from that kind of abuse… and this is one of those things.

"Wait son, what are we talking about?" dad asks, but he doesn't raise his voice or anything, it's more like it he was actually confused.

"I mean that Spencer turned into something more than a friend".

Mom lets out a giggle, I'm sure that she was waiting for the arrival of the right moment to let this things go and face the consequences, whatever they are, and finally hearing the approval or anger that dad may have for the fact that his son now has a relationship with a guy.

"You mean that you're…?".

"I think that what I mean, mom, dad and Madison" I just wanted to interrupt dad's speech for my sake, "is that I'm in love" «or I think so, I don't know how it feels because never before happened that I could feel in that way». "I'm in love with Spencer".

Done. I said it aloud, and the rewarding feeling to say those words out loud is such big enough that I just simply can't hold to entwine our hands and place them on the table. I put my head on his shoulder and he kisses my hair, whispering 'you're so brave' and his forehead finishes making me feel like if I could shoot down a mountain with just a touch.

"I'm in love with you too, Mason".

But I almost forgot that we're in the middle of the kitchen, almost finishing breakfast, and in a place where I'm not entirely sure that they could accept me. Although… what I'm talking about, they will accept me even though that a third arm comes out from me in the middle of my chest. But the silence that's placed on us right now makes me wanting to regret our entwined hands, not that I said that I'm in love with him.

"You know son? Madison told us that you've been feeling that you must do things to keep us happy, and for that it caused in you that you don't feel happy with yourself".

I try to glare at her with my entire and whole heart but what she does is to give me a pat on the back, ruffle my hair and finally kiss my cheek. I shrink in my place, hating a little too much my sister loudmouth, and also thanking her for being a loudmouth.

"It's that and somewhat of what happened" I raise my eyebrows a bit, Spencer gets tense but now I just lean down to kiss him gently on the cheek.

"If you are happy with this then you continue with it, you know that the heart speaks much louder than the reason".

"I couldn't agree more with your father; every day I love him a little more".

I close my eyes when I hear them kissing and turning again to whisper how much they love each other, and I can't help but thinking that the complete opposites of my parents are now being viewed in some way with Spencer and me.

"Then, can we get up?" I ask, somewhat fearful of wanting a little privacy, but that's not what I want.

"Oh sure, go ahead. I'll take care of the dishes" dad says, and after Spencer insistences that he can take care are turned away he simply gives in and puts a hand on my shoulder to lift me.

He lets me go ahead and I turn in the first hallway that I can find, his footsteps following me closely and standing still when I lean on a wall. He makes a sound in his throat but I merely roll my eyes.

"Now you believe me? I told you that…".

I silence him by putting my forefinger against my lips, also putting my hands against the wall and stretching my head a little, I guess that I'm hidden enough because I can hear the dad lets out a very long sigh, accompanied by a laughter with a hint of complicity from Madison.

"Okay, that was pretty… lovely" he says, like if he was trying to not believe the last part. I hear him sipping his coffee, he always makes a loud sound when he does so. "Also, did you saw his smile? It was so wide I'm sure that his cheeks must be hurting like crazy".

"I know!" mom says, and I can swear that she's giving small jumps of joy right in her pace. "And his blush! Both of their blushes! They're just perfect for each other".

His hands slides all the way down on my waist and they entwine in my stomach, his head finds a place on my left shoulder but I choke the moan that almost escapes from my body when his body is fully close to mine and his breath hits my skin.

"Whether as words, I give them a couple of months".

"Madison!" they both shout while Spencer and I are growling quietly. His hands are trembling a bit so I put my right hand over them so that he erase from his mind to move them away.

"What? You know how explosive he has become, I don't think that Spencer can tolerate him a lot".

"I've been through worse" he whispers in my ear, and all that I do is to kiss him precisely at the corners of his mouth. Now he knows what it feels like to be tempted that way.

"It's not good that you're talking like that, and also we're talking about your brother" dad snaps out, a surprising turn to my defense. "You know that when he has a deep love for something or someone he's always looking for ways to prove it, and if what he just made is not a sign of it then I command the house to be struck by lightning".

"Don't say that! I just finished cleaning the basement".

The joke from mom tells me that it's time to move forward, because surely they will follow with a dozen of them until they finish with their breakfast. Even with or without company I always avoid that part of the desktop because it's incredibly boring.

"I really want to see the surprises that you have for me" I purse my lips to the right and arch my eyebrow, my favorite gesture.

"I'll be like a cat and I'll give you my preys, so will my displays of affection".

I split myself away from the wall and in the first attempt to reach out for him I find his waist, I pull him closer to me and his arms surrounds me in the warmest hug I've ever received. I'm still thinking about him taking care of me like a teddy bear, and those tend to be the best protected possessions of little children's.

However we're interrupted by the wild vibrations from his cellphone, inside his right front pocket, and the first chords of a song of Rammstein. I can't say exactly which one of them is the one ringing, I think it's _Du Hast_ , but I know that it's one of them because they're dad's favorite band, also that sometimes he sings their songs so loudly and when he thinks that no one's listening, thinking that his pronunciation of German is the best.

"Dammit" he growls through clenched teeth, and immediately his voice is flooded with concern. "I have to go, I almost forgot that I'm here without permission. I'll call you when I have the opportunity".

"Yeah, yeah, flee while you can".

"Oh please, come here my cute mess".

I throw myself into his arms, he caresses my nape and kiss me on both cheeks, on the nose and before he can get close for the distance between our lips can be erased _Du Hast_ does his thing.

"Run while you still have the chance. I love you".

"I love you too, Mace. I'll call you in a minute".

The front door opens and closes in a movement of very short duration, I sigh because it wasn't the way I expected to end up my rarity of awakening. I stay a couple of minutes listening to the bad jokes from dad and Madison until I finally worth myself to climb up the stairs, the accurate moment when the phone ringing starts resounding through the whole house.

"I'll get it!" I clear my throat to get rid of the sudden mood that pervades me and I pretend like if I was in a state of neutral mood. "Hello?" I ask when I pick up the phone, he answers me with a long sigh.

"Apparently… you can't leave your house at four o'clock of the morning… without your parents calling the National Guard… to track you down and bring you back. I almost feel like the son of a politician… or something".

I sit on the edge of the mattress and wonder why his breathing is so hectic, but if I do the correct calculations then surely he made a too hasty running to ease his destination and to not become it something so fateful.

"How bad is your punishment?".

"Locked up in my room… until Monday morning. And it's just a damn pity, I had planned to be with my cute… boyfriend all day long".

"I think that I heard him saying that he has too much stuff to do, and also many days of lack of sleep to recover. I suppose that you wouldn't like that".

"You see?! My boy is a killjoy, but I don't want him to stop being one" I feel blushing and let out a small chuckle that from now on will be synonymous of everything of what I can feel him.

"Then, until Monday. I could say that I'll see you on Monday but I can't".

«Stop with that» tells me the old Mason, who has finally managed to kill in the bloodiest possible way my idiot self.

"Until then" he responds.

We both stay quiet, the two of us breathing against the phone while we don't have the slightest idea of what to say. I can think of many things that could keep us here for hours, but that silence has an effect on me that I just can't describe it, but I'll just say that it feels good that he's there.

"I love you, Mace".

"If you took a couple of seconds more then it would have been me who said that".

He releases a slight laugh and sighs, I hold on to the phone because I didn't think that I'd be able to get him sighing for me, if he ever does so. But I didn't expect him to spend the night with me, to ask me to be his, that he almost kisses me and to have one of the greatest days in the world.

"I love you, Spens".

The call finishes in a completely bound mode when his mother enters his room and tells him that he's not allowed to make calls because he didn't deign himself to notice that he was going out in the morning, or something like that, everything became in a lot of screams from both of them until the line ended up dead.

I drop with my back first and take the first pillow that I can find, sensing the faint scent that his hair left impregnated against the sheath makes that something inside me wakes up and I can't help but grasp it with my whole being against my chest, close my eyelids with a weight as surprising as needed and let the blanket of unconsciousness to place over me.

I smile as a final act for thinking that I love him, and Spencer loves me.


	18. It's me It's he It's us It's perfect

Hey everyone, sorry for being late again but literally this time I had nothing for the chapter, I had a small writer block but I could get over it very quickly. Two more chapters and counting. Fav, follow or review, enjoy it :)

Warnings: some of aggressive language and bullying.

* * *

 **It's me. It's he. It's us. It's perfect**

Monday morning is the worst nightmare for anyone in the entire universe, it involves the fact that we must get out of the comfort of our beds and do what we have to do everything that goes into a so boring routine, being inside a weird way of acting since Monday should be something like an extensions of the weekend rather than the beginning of a week. All of that in every Monday throughout the entire school year. It's exhausting.

Interestingly today I don't feel that way.

"Can we go now?" I ask in the same childish tone employed by a child on his first trip to Disneyland.

"Fine! Get in the car and stay quiet!" dad growls.

I get up almost somersaulting of the couch, I slide my little finger against the wall to guide me into the house and the cane once I'm out. The solar heat gets counteracted by the cold air blowing on a morning like today, but honestly it could be a threat of a tornado and still being a terrific day.

Why am I acting in this way?

Before I could complain or hit the car I listen the locks of the doors rising up, I take my place in the back seat and move my right foot impatiently, biting one of the straps of the backpack.

It's weird that now I want to be stuck in the crowded hallways of McKinley, listening to the teachers talking until I fall asleep or the great performances of New Directions in the choir room. I miss all that, and right now I'm more than willing to get back everything that I've lost.

"Hurry up, people! It's getting late!" I shout as I honk the car.

The front door closes reluctantly and everybody else finally ends up getting into the car, even it's the first time that I hear mom cranky in a morning, she always wakes up with her right foot, she could even engage in chat with the pesky birds out my window for her good spirit.

"Your lunch…" she begins to say, but I interrupt her immediately.

"It's inside my backpack, my Algebra notes are there too, and the progress of my project for Literature is also in there. Can we go now?".

"There are times when I don't understand our own son" dad growls before the car starts moving.

I still can't believe that I was the first one to rise up from bed, even I opened my useless eyes before my alarm clock, also adding that I was the first one to start with the boring morning routine. They should thank that I could do my best to make some breakfast, and I guess they didn't suspect that the cost of that would be leaving as soon as possible to McKinley.

"Mace, honey, I forgot to tell you" mom takes me out a second of my happy thoughts. "Dr. Watson called last night, she said she has space on her agenda this afternoon and she will be waiting for you".

"Geez, why?! I was supposed to meet up with her tomorrow!".

"I tried to explain her that but she said that as sooner as she can see you it would be better, she didn't give me the details for obvious reasons but it seems important".

"Pff, whatever".

If there are ways in which one thing can ruin entirely the good mood of the people then surely that should be at the top of the list. I don't hate having to go to talk with Dr. Watson, I like Dr. Watson very much, but I just wanted to ask Spencer if he wanted to spend the rest of the whole day with me, that if the practice is not interposing on it, and even there I'm sure he could skip from it to be with me. And maybe I'm thinking that I can make huge changes in people when I don't.

"Well look at this, little Mason became a little cranky".

"I'm trying to ignore you right here, also I wouldn't like to mention the fact that you're planning to jump out of your window to go to a party this very weekend".

The car stops so suddenly, thankfully I decided to wear a seat belt or I would have collided with dad's seat. I smile with all the mischief of the universe while the silence between us all becomes in a long conversation about the big consequences involving sneaking out and go away, even they arise a scenario in which someone could put something in her drink and that she could wake up in an operating table while someone's in there removing out her kidneys to sell them on the black market.

When I hear them talking that way I stop wondering where they come from some of my weird, hasty and incredible ideas, but I don't think the way excessive imagination is heritable.

Anyway I close my eyes when some rationality filters in my bulging head, and I realize that probably that stuff of hanging out at night, maybe going to the movies, long evening walks, spending the day in the living room watching movies, theater, etc., all of that are things that I couldn't fully enjoy, but he could, so anyway I have to adapt to the situations of the relationship matter. I have to stop rambling on that kind of concepts.

"Alright, here we are" the brakes squeak while dad parks the car and turns off the engine. My good mood returns like if it was the air that I breathe.

"Well, see you later. I…".

"Wait, we have something to tell you" dad says with a serious tone while that forces me to shut the car door with a stronger whip than the necessary.

I roll my eyes and go back to settle in my place very reluctantly, with my backpack against my body and clinging to it with my nails, with that avoiding my desire to run and collide into a person who is passing by. Or with a light pole, again…

"We're proud of you" mom and dad say at the same time while Madison takes my hand and our fingers get entwine. My heart stops.

I don't quite understand why they should be proud of, it's not like if they saw me walking and waving a pride flag, shouting in all directions about my preferences, if they are like that, but I think that it's just because of the fact that I've decided to act on the pleasant feeling that run in my body every time I've been close to Spencer since the beginning of the times.

Madison can't know that I still have the picture that she gave me of Spencer and me in my nightstand.

"T-thanks, I guess" I release Madison's firm grip and lean forward to find their shoulders, they answer me each one taking one of my hands. "You're the best parents in the world".

"And you're the best son that a family could wish for" mom says.

"And the world's best brother" Madison hugs me, and that only serves to remind me of the times when she hated me.

When I step out the car and start walking towards the building, holding the arm of Madison while I climb up the stairs and heading down the hallways, I feel like if just a horrendous weight recently just had disappeared off from my shoulders. I'm feeling like the king of the world, I feel like if I can do anything, I feel handsome, I feel strong, damn that I'm sexy; I'm everything that I thought I had lost at some point.

The world is going crazy.

Until now my family knows about it, now follows the part where my close circle of friends, the best friends that a person could want, should know it too. And, well, I think it will be a big change in how some people will see me from now on (like… Jane, I don't know how she's going to take it), it could also be something that many were seen it coming (Kitty would be the only example that it occurs to me) and I hope that there also people who doesn't care at all.

Madison leaves me in front of my locker and also gives a little pat on the back, I stretch my hands to put the combination on the lock when someone tries to get my attention touching my left shoulder, I shake my head in that direction and smile slightly.

"Wrong" says Spencer in a singing tone.

"You're kidding, right? That's not polite" I ask, rolling my eyes and smiling.

"No, I'm not kidding. Also I'm on your right" I turn my head in that direction.

"This is a very strange way to start a day, don't you think?" I say over my right shoulder. Fortunately it doesn't seem that I'm crazy and I get a little chuckle in response.

"Maybe, but you have to admit that it's funny. And I'm on your other right".

I roll my eyes and turn my head forward, smiling slightly while I hear him whistling and end up prolonging my task to find the books that I'll need for now, I close the door of my locker and lean my back against it, raising both of my eyebrows slightly and smirking aside.

"Mason McCarthy, you look stunning on a Monday morning".

"For some reason today I feel sexy" I arch my right eyebrow.

"You are sexy, Mace" he puts a hand on my right shoulder and his thumb moves slightly, causing that blush to get unleashed as well as my shoulders shrug a little. "Sorry" and he moves his hand away.

I hold my books in my right hand while I scratch that forearm with my free hand, I cross my feet and I keep feeling that everything around us gets a little tense while the sound seems to be attenuating more and more, like if the crowd had simply ceased to exist.

"It's… new, I think that I'd already said it".

"Yeah, you told me, but it's like something that I can't hold back" I release a little sigh and stop scratching my arm.

"Just… let's take it a little slower, okay?" I give him a small smile and raise my head, I hear him sighing.

"I want to know how you manage to always score straight to my eyes" I look away, slightly embarrassed and flattered, "it's okay, slower then, but I'd really like to hug you right now".

"Then do it".

I move my backpack in front just to put the books inside, and I let it to drop like a ton of lead on the floor when his hands are placed on my shoulders and he pulls me closer to his body. I get tense at first, just for about two seconds, that before me sliding my arms over his jacket and entwine my hands behind his neck. My left cheek finds support on his shoulder, he makes a quick move to kiss me on the tip of my nose and finally his head settles in such a way that our breaths are crossing.

There's nothing out of this moment, out of this crowd of two people, there's nothing that can distract me from the fact that I'm the happiest and calmest person in the universe for every tenth of a second that I'm enjoying his closeness and all the cheesy thoughts that are exploding in my head.

"Can I kiss your cheek?" he whispers into my neck and I cling for some sanity on the collar of his jacket.

"Yes, you can".

He raises his head a bit, the back of his fingers caressing my right cheekbone, his index finger drawing a line through my jaw just before his soft lips gets pressed dangerously close to mine.

I smile in the broadest way that I can remember, I can even say that the happiness that I'm experiencing right now is greater than the first time I wore the scarlet uniform of the Cheerios and had found the place where I belonged. It's extremely sudden but at the same time the new place to which I belong is in his arms.

It's me. It's he. It's us. It's perfect.

"I love you…" I whisper while the two of us sigh, and he whispers in response that he loves me too.

"Well, well, look at this" says the mocking voice of Kitty when she stops walking.

Spencer growls against my cheek, making me tickles and widening my smile a little more. We have to break our small knot of limbs and then it seems like if the silent mode in which the world had fallen now has simply disappeared. Welcome reality.

"Great, and right now that I'm in need of a little money I can collect my earnings in some bets" I get a little too grumpy knowing that she made bets about us, but I would like to know who was on her list of bettors. "Anyway, see you later!".

She pinches my cheek and shakes it, I guess that she does the same with Spencer because he also growls, I hear her walking with jumps that could be described as cheerful while the murmurs and loud conversations takes their usual volume than any school can have in the morning.

"We can have lunch together, is that okay?" his finger redraws the line of my jaw. What's so amazing with it?

"Do we have lunch together?" I give up a little to his touch.

"Yes, or well, I've seen you go in there a few times, but you tend to be with the Cheerios and me with the Titans. You know that we're only together in the games, then we're worlds apart".

"Then it sounds great, until then" he kisses me on the cheek again, moving away just before my fingers can slide between his, he starts whistling and walking, leaving me halfway down the hall but with a smile on my face.

Screw the world, I just want to act on what gets produced inside me for having him so close. It sounds like a simple task that could be made in a blink, that if I wasn't hearing now some few murmurs while I move with the help of the guide on the floor directly to the Geography classroom.

"Mr. McCarthy, you're late" says Miss Doosenbury when I open the door. I guess in my time when I didn't listen to what was happening around me the opening class bell became present. "I'm giving you the option to choice: you can go straight to detention, my favorite option, or you can go on a pop quiz about ecosystems and their characteristics".

I don't think it more than once.

"You can start asking" I assure her with complete confidence in myself while I keep the cane in my backpack. She could even ask me about quantum physics and I could find a way to solve her questions, my mood just can't get down by anything today.

* * *

Most of the first class period was based on whispers to answer questions about what people saw in the hallways between Spencer and me, even I had the time that I feared the most with Jane, and she seemed more than happy with it, sure that she didn't feel strange with my change of… ideas, so to speak, and that she even sees that I show myself a little happier by his side, which only serves to remind me of the power that he has over me.

I turn a corner to get to the cafeteria, now lunch seems much more interesting than any other class, but I can't continue walking because the cane hits against something, or rather say that with someone because the person moves away in the first time, but after that happens again the person doesn't move, even it seems to step over the end of the cane.

"Excuse me, please" I say in a friendly tone while I'm trying to walk aside. In response I get a nudge in the right shoulder, hard enough to make me go back two steps.

"Faggot" I listen a clash of palms and a couple of deep laughter.

I pretend like if I hadn't heard that word, although actually it hurts me hearing so, and I return to find the guide on the floor and again I'm preparing to move when again I'm interrupted by a foot, an evil laugh comes out of a deep throat and a sudden terror comes over me while the idiot Mason struggles to get out to the surface and face any problem.

Between the idiot Mason and the Mason that simply would turn around to find another way I don't know which one is going to kill me first.

"I'm sorry, did you just pushed me?" I ask, using a firm tone but also with some shyness.

"I don't know, does it felt like this?".

The voice seems familiar simply because this is the guy that I hit against to the first time that I set a foot back at McKinley, and immediately after his question he pushes me again, this time with a little more force, strong enough for me to trip over and crash against the lockers. «What's happening right now with the damn world?».

"So? Does it felt like that?" he high fives against someone else, and again they turn to laugh.

"Whatever" I shrug.

I walk just about four steps when I hear someone's shoes skidding in the hallway, a hand stretches out against the lockers and my body hopelessly collides against the arm. I swallow hard the knot in my throat while I turn my head to the left, supposedly finding myself with one someone that's the most… I don't even have enough offensive words to describe whatever that he's doing now against me.

"What's the rush? We're having a friendly chat" the sarcasm with the pitch of contempt doesn't leave his voice, that doesn't do nothing more but making me agonize a little more.

"Actually I'm…".

"You'll see… right, you can't" he says, like if he didn't care that he's dealing with another alive-being. "I have nothing against fagots, most of the time I like them, unless when they want to try something with me, but it's simply the fact that I can't stand Porter what causes that I can't put it up with you either, and that's not right".

Everything feels cold, it's like if I had received some kind of a death threat. The feeling is just like when I received the messages of Spencer from time to time in my locker, and right now that same feeling seems to be multiplying in every cell of my body.

"W-why m-me?" I ask while I hear the cracking of his knuckles. "I h-have nothing t-to do with h-him".

"Oh please, I saw your boner when he was sucking on your neck in the hallway" his friends, teammates, evil minions, whatever they are, laugh like if it was the best joke in the world. "Moreover, it's like as if you were pouring blood in the ocean, you do so waiting for the great white shark to decide to appear and attack. That's just what I'm doing".

I could swear that I was hearing whispers and cheerful conversations before I don't know who decided to put his arm around my shoulders, the silence that occurs then is like the walking announcing to my speedy death. He said the word blood in his speech, how the hell am I supposed to react to that? Casual and without concerning? Crying out for help? Don't giving it importance?

"Could someone do something?!" his hand travels to my mouth to shut me up.

"You're smarter when you keep yourself quiet" I manage to bite the palm of his hand and he growls in pain, "you'll pay for that later, Porter is here".

He turns on his heels, the force he uses on my shoulders makes me to spin by obligation. I hear that all the people here take a deep breath while I think that they link the necessary ideas to know that they're engaged in a relentless battle zone, and no one is planning to run away until the heavy artillery decides to appear.

"What are you…? JEFFERSON!" Spencer yells, his voice sounds so distant and yet so aloud that I feel that this Jefferson dude gets tense in the act; he wasn't expecting that reaction. "What the fuck do you think you're doing?!".

The crowd falls silent while the loud stops from Spencer are approaching, each of them seems to become more deafening and make the lockers to tremble like crazy.

"Guys, a little help here please" he snaps the fingers that he has over my shoulders.

Hasty movements, grunts from fighting and some sounds of the cameras from cellphones turning on are attacking my sense of hearing, my teeth are chattering and my hands clinging to my clothes.

"Very clever, having the idiots of your team so close. I could applaud your courage but if I had my hands free I'll use them to rip off your head".

"I should be the one applauding, I mean that who could be you to get their self such a charming guy like this one?" with his hands he makes me to purse my lips, the movement of his hand becomes too violent, making me to drop a high hiss of pain. That's what he wants, provoke him.

The worst comes when he dares to kiss my cheek, I feel like the worst person in the world and I manage to place my hands in his face to push him the hell away, I release myself from him but at the same time he's clever enough to return to hold me so now he captures my hands with one of his own and places back his arm around my shoulders.

"If you weren't a guy I would have you right now against a wall" his voice will haunt my nightmares for a while.

"Get your damn filthy hands off from him!" Spencer growls like a wild and desperate animal, he lets out a comprehensive set of profanities while the people who are present do nothing more but watch.

I don't stop moving to try to free myself from his firm and aggressive grip, I can hear the crowd growing more and more, the whispers and also the betting on who would beat who if they get to the fists are the first things shocking what I can hear. That and a small giggle coming from Spencer, making Jefferson and I to move our heads forward.

"You know what? I understand it perfectly" Jefferson snaps his fingers and I hear that his teammates are approaching, dragging a laughing Spencer.

"I can assure you that you don't. Boys, let him go" he responds with a trembling voice. Spencer is shooting straight in the few words that he's expressing, but I guess he must be trying to intimidate him with his glare.

"Yeah, yeah, of course it is. It's like in the summer game, since you couldn't tackle down number 23 then you decided to hurt one of the runners to get it out".

"The point is?" Spencer releases a mocking laugh, and now I'm a little more afraid for my life.

"That I completely understand that you need to bully someone that's so much weaker, helpless and fragile than you to demonstrate how strong you are".

Everything becomes so extremely taut, starting from my jaw and up to the environment around the whole scene, not to mention the firm grip on my shoulders. My breathing gets a little faster, so for the fact that I'm engaged in a battle zone in which no party has a miserable chance to win so for the fact that he just say all of that.

"So good, I applaud your courage samples" and he does so, slowly and with all the desire to provoke him, causing Jefferson to make a noise with his tongue. «Why he hasn't ripped the eyes out of Jefferson? What is he waiting for?».

His heavy arm stops being over me, he places his hand on my left shoulder and with just a small movement with a tenth of the force that he must have he pushes me, I hopelessly collide against the row of lockers and the first thing that hits it's my shoulder besides my head, at which point a small hiss of pain escapes from my throat.

"What the hell is wrong with you? We're on different teams, literally" the crowd laughs a little while I still fear for my life, "also that he is blind, you know that he can't stand up for himself" Spencer's voice tries to stand firm, but even I could hear a brief moment of hesitation.

"Then do it for him" Spencer laughs again but he remains quiet when Jefferson rushes to put his arm around my shoulders. Couldn't it be that maybe I fall asleep in Geography? The pain in my head answers me.

"I'm about to beat you up and kick your ass so hard that you'll wish to not sit again in your whole sad and pathetic life" he speaks with his jaw tense, I can feel his breath centimeters away from us.

"Show me what you have".

Jefferson raises his arm a few millimeters, moment at which Spencer launches into action, taking me by the arm and pushing me not caring so much to send me away from the fight. I crawl into the lockers right in the moment when the songs begin, freezing every one of my nerve endings.

Fight, fight, fight, fight, fight; every word reverberates through the hallways and in the throats of those present, I can imagine fists rising while I also hear that there are joints snapping, Spencer and Jefferson rolling on the floor, slamming against the lockers and growling like if they were lions fighting for the last dam in the trough.

Two hands gets place on my shoulders and they drag me through the crowd to a point where the human warmth is less dense and people are taking endless photographs.

"Stop fighting, it's us" Alistair says, Roderick nods with his throat to confirm that 'us'. Then it means that everyone is here.

"Are you okay?" asks Madison, until now I realize that I'm still trembling like crazy and that my jaw is tense while at the same time a cold sweat runs down the back of my neck. "We tried to approach there from the beginning but the crowd prevented us to".

"Now I'm not important, we have to help him".

"Blindy, he's in the middle of a fight, we can't do anything about it" Kitty says with obvious nervousness in her voice.

"Watch me".

I turn on my heels and straining forward when the shadow of a hand was supposed to hold my right arm, I keep moving pushing who I can find on my way and with one goal in mind: to help Spencer.

How the hell it's assumed that a visually impaired guy will help to that? I have just a couple of ideas in mind, and all of them are stupid.

"Is that what you wanted, huh?! Now say you're sorry!" Spencer strikes every punch and every kick, I can't help but feeling sorry for listening Jefferson pleading for help and receive each impact.

I'm surprised that the other guys from the hockey team haven't broken Spencer into pieces to protect him, who from what I've heard he's the captain of the team, and now he's a disappointment. Will that be some kind of rule? Don't intervene when one of your teammates is getting the crap beaten out of them? If so then the world actually is going crazy.

Madison manages to stand beside me in front of the whole circle that had formed around them, she makes an expression of horror and tells me that Spencer is alternating between sitting on his stomach to punch his face and standing up to kick his ribs, also she says that he has a couple of bruises and bleeding wounds. In conclusion she tells me that I have him in front of me, and then my brain stops working in the right way.

"Spencer, stop it right now!" I move forward, I find myself with his shoulders and right when he was raising his elbow to give him another punch.

Now the one who ends up beaten a little is me, with a sharp pain in the left cheek and retreating until Roderick and Madison catches me.

"Step back Mace! I can't leave him just like that!" he says between growls. "He dared to touch you, who know what else he might be able to do next!".

"I don't care a damn about an asshole like him, I'm worried about you!".

Kitty and Myron kneels in front of me, inspecting my wound because Spencer decides to choose to ignore me and continue killing Jefferson with his bare hands, which I'm sure he could do. Having received that blow doesn't make me feel upset about what's caused by Jefferson, I'm upset for the fact that Spencer isn't thinking clearly enough right now. He has to know it.

I push Myron aside and I stand, Roderick tries to stop me and he succeeds, but anyway I'm just going to use the power of the words to express the obviousness to make him to think a little clearly.

"Yeah, you give him a beating today, and then what? You could be suspended, expelled, sent to the reform school, what do I know!" I take a deep breath because I know that the next words could be decisive to put an end to this. "I know that you don't care now but I need you here with me to prevent something like this from happening again".

The sounds of the fight gets silenced on the spot, the only thing that keep going on are deep breaths for the kicking that surely Spencer was giving to his stomach. Before anything else can happen I hear one more kick, perhaps the loudest of them all, and I also hear that Jefferson begins to sob for the pain that surely he's having.

"I'm not done with you" he growls with a completely threatening tone.

The silence of the crowd gets broken by the sound of the bell, the cheers for the fight now become into whispers of concern and also into suggestions to drag Jefferson to the infirmary. Another couple of people say the guy is dead since he hardly moves, but the only thing that keeps me on what's happening is that I have pain in the cheek.

"Are you okay?" the change in his voice is amazing, now he speaks to me with extreme sweetness while he places his hand on the side of my face, exacerbating the pain.

"I'm great" I say, pushing off his hand and 'looking' to the ground. He kneels in front of me and places a finger under my chin, I refuse to move my head.

"You know that my intention wasn't to hit you, it was an accident. I'm sorry".

I tense my jaw and also take a deep breath before lifting my head, I know that I find his eyes with that act (and because he pants a little) but right now I have a threat of disconsolate crying tickling my eyelids so I simply push myself forward to hug him.

"It's alright, it's alright, calm down. I've got you…" his arms holds me tightly, his hand goes into my hair and with the other he trace circles on my back, shooing the tears away and replacing them with a sigh while I cling to his jacket.

"You're… an idiot of enormous proportions" I say at the verge of tears. The warmth of his hug prevents me.

"But I'm your idiot of enormous proportions".

I would dare to kiss him if I didn't know that we're surrounded by all New Directions and the Warblers, also that I can't help but hear his little grunts of pain every time I cling to him.

"So, are we going to lunch?" he asks, exhausted and splitting our hug. I place both of my hands on his cheeks, he smiles for it and he makes it more when I kiss him on the nose, an area probably intact.

"You've got to go to the infirmary, lunch can wait".

I help him up, walking with a slow pace, because he's limping a little I don't know why, while the escorting of the whole choir room is behind us, flattering the fact that he probably just send someone to the hospital.

In the infirmary they're focused in cleaning a wound on his upper lip, a couple of bruises on his cheeks and a small cut on his left cheek while to me they give me a compress of improvised ice with a couple of bands, fortunately they didn't used frozen vegetables from the cafeteria.

The brand new principal Schuester finally makes his appearance and gives him a tremendous sermon about that it's wrong to solve problems with violence. Spencer merely responds with simple monosyllables until he begins to fall asleep quickly, and that doesn't prevent him to get detention imposed for the rest of the week.

"When can we be together?" he asks, dragging each word and making some pressure on my hand to get my attention. I haven't ceased 'watching him' since we got here.

"Soon, when the universe finally decides to stop acting like an idiot" he chuckles.

The nurse requires me to leave because she says that he needs some rest, I say goodbye to him with a dangerous kiss on the corners of his mouth and with the promise that soon we'll be together as a couple of guys in love supposedly should. I don't know if he'd ever heard me because his breathing was heavy enough to say that he was already asleep.

I sigh and think of the next step in one day that it ranges go from good to bad and then worse, the visit with Dr. Watson.

* * *

I'd almost forgotten that Dr. Watson works in an office where there are a few other therapists, I remember it now that I hear a significant number of people talking about what they have, from adults who have pathological diagnoses of depression, going also to suicidal thoughts and paranoia, up to children's with hyperactivity and attention deficit.

"Mason McCarthy" says a receptionist, I raise my hand and I guess that she notes my 'special feature' since she comes closer, "Dr. Watson is waiting".

I get up and she directs me to the appropriate office, Dr. greets me at the door and leads me to sit in front of her, she moves humming a little and not doing from this something monotonous and boring.

"What happened to you? Is that a bruise?" she asks somewhat impacted.

"It is, it was an unintentional blow" I touch the area that's still a bit sore while she makes a sound in her throat that reflects her confusion. "I got into a fight when I shouldn't do it".

"And you're okay?" I nod in response.

I listen her writing some notes, I hadn't realized that the whole thing of her taking notes to know where to route the solutions to a problem that I still insist that I don't have just begun.

"I know that you did a very small number of visits here, but I want to ask: how you feel that your treatment was going?" she asks, getting a little out from the routine of questions that involves some privacy.

I stay quiet, trying to put aside the habit of responding with the first thing that comes to my head, and that I don't know what to say about it. I feel good yes, better than good now that I think about it, there aren't the same obstacles that I used to put on the things to avoid them, I think that now I prefer a thousand times to face the situation than respond with offensive things.

"I think that it had passed… good" I say, because it's the only word I can think of.

"Do you consider that the problem that brought you here in first place is now solved?".

"Yes" I answer categorically, that's true.

"How did you solve it out?" she asks, not very thrilled with my answer.

I start to think a little in what she came to tell me about the solving of my problem, and I remember that she told me something like 'it's quite obvious so I would rather not to waste my time with you'. My answer was always there as a blond guy with blue eyes, athletic and that he hit me in the eye with his elbow trying to defend myself.

"I think I've finally figured out who I am, with the help of someone" I say, feeling that I blush.

"It's about…?" she tries to get into the question, but immediately I answer again.

"Yes, he has helped me. Spencer helped me".

I hear that she encircles something in wherever where she writes her notes and that she raise up, surrounding the desk and placing a hand on my shoulder, I give her a small smile and that makes her to release a sigh that I can call one of relief.

"Do you consider that there's another problem we need to solve?".

The vague words of the diagnosis that she performed in first place now are appearing together in my memory, and each one is eliminated along with the ideas of any demonstration that they could have because it was due to the knot that was representing my repressed feelings by Spencer.

Then it comes the actual response.

"No, Dr. Watson, I don't think that there are more problems".

"Then I must tell you that my job as your therapist is over".

I gasped at that, although I should have guessed it by the fact that she decided to hasten the session. I can't remember the number of times that I was here, I think it was about three, but I've always heard that there are models of intervention in which even with one session the problem can be solved.

"Are you serious, Dr.?".

"Yes, perhaps it may seem to you as a surprise but that's the model that I use to intervene in most of my patients".

Before I can say something else the receptionist knocks on the door of her office, she lets her in and she tells her that another patient has arrived. I don't understand how she can provide support and guidance to many people without feeling that she would explode or something like that.

"Is there anything else that you want to add, Mason?" she asks while she puts a hand on my shoulder, a sign that it's time to go.

I get up, with my free hand I find her robe and I can't help but give her a hug as a way to thank her for the small intervention that she made with me, but one that certainly allows me to finally leave everything behind and simply face the future with my head up.

"Thank you".


	19. My world has changed

And here I am with another late update, this time I'll say that I was writing and there were more ideas coming, and because of all that it came a point where what I had thought in first place became in a big thing, I think it's worth the delay. One more chapter to go, and I'll warn this time that maybe it will take me a while that last chapter because I want it to be something that it will not be perfect but it will be something that's the complete opposite to the main plots of the history.

Fav, follow or review, enjoy it :)

* * *

 **My world has changed**

Some people may be able to call 'hell week' to so many things that can happen to them quite often.

There are those who may say that it's a week hell when they bring a new yet bad haircut, there are a few others who believe that its's a hell week when they wear the same outfit twice in nearly contiguous days, another few others can may consider one hell week when they have to walk around with a zit about the size of another head in their forehead. There are so many reasons to give the adjective 'hell' to a week.

Now comes my hell week, which is simply loneliness for a couple, a WHOLE week in which I couldn't be with Spencer for more than ten or fifteen seconds between class changes, fleeting greetings, kisses on the cheeks and the corners of the lips which don't have the same effect of making my knees tremble and having to hold on to him to know that everything is happening.

I understand that he had to beat Jefferson's ass, I really understand it, and I still wonder what could have led him to retaliate with me if he had a problem with Spencer. I guess that everything he said was right about all that stuff of getting over it with the weakest dude and everything. I try not to think that he called me weak.

But then Spencer comes with his week of detention, days when I couldn't fully enjoy of the few moments that I could spend with him. Adding things to that there are his days with practices with the Titans, and since I have nothing else to do after school the first thing I do is go home, escorted by mom and dad of course. I know that it's exhausting for him, so I try not to feel a little left behind in that respect.

And we talk, yeah we talked, we spent a lot of time on the phone, every day I can clearly hear how tired he is after a day of detention and practice while I devote myself to do anything, almost as usual. But he never fails to make himself laugh and to make me laugh, and neither making me blush, nor making me feel that the distance between us is so nonexistent that if I just ask him then we could be having a nap in my room, me into his arms without wanting anything else more than the moment to never end.

I snort and kick the locker beneath me, this whole situation blocks the songs in my memory and is altering my feelings, so that I couldn't perform anything in the past week of 'Try something new' just because my b… Spencer, wasn't right there to listen.

While I settle my books I have in mind that the winter holidays are just a couple of days away, and if then we can't be together in any way then I'll certainly understand that the universe is being an idiot again with me. And… well, maybe it's some kind of signal.

I freeze on the spot and a cry escapes without my permission from my throat at the time in which a pair of hands place on my lower back, they circle around my waist and get entwine over my stomach. Before I can protest or set myself free a kiss appears in the back of my neck, making that whatever I was going to say to just go away.

"I'm sorry for not having given you a warning but it almost seems like a thousand years since the last time I did this".

I breathe a sigh when he sighs against my neck, I leave the books in the locker and take his hands with a firm grip, flashing a broad smile and feeling that it was really a thousand years ago since the last time he did this.

I turn on my heels, slide my hands up to his shoulders and entwine them behind his neck, his forehead places against mine first, then the tip of his nose is against mine, and before he can finish moving forward I turn my head and place it on his shoulder.

"Screw it with the warnings, never let me go".

His left hand moves up to my hair and starts playing with it, making that each one of my long exhalation worth's it. I almost forget that there is an abnormal bulge in that area, and it seems that he also forgot it.

I close my eyes for a moment, breathing out one last time, and everything around us is gone, the only thing that keeps me aware that this isn't a dream is to feel the strong beat of his heart pounding against my chest, his hand on my hair and the lullaby he's humming.

My world has changed, all because of him. I'm in the best place in the world, with the best person in the universe; I can't ask for anything more for this time to be perfect.

"Fag…".

Before I-don't-know who could finish saying that word, which I still think that should be accompanied by an anvil whenever someone says it, I hear the loud drop of a body directly against the floor while I listen that stacks of papers also fly up in all directions.

Just to make sure about it I move my right foot slightly forward, right time when he puts his back in its place. He was to blame for that fall, and then suddenly I come back to reality.

"I'm sorry, did you say something?" Spencer asks, turning his head so that his cheek is pressed against mine. I can't help the small chuckle.

I-have-no-idea-who-is-it gets up, muttering some occasional expletive, some that I really don't know, and another couple of people who were just simply watching now help him to recover whatever that he lost in his fall.

"You two are a great couple…" he growls in a breath while I hear that he also has his voice a little trembling. Spencer must be scary when it comes to situations like these.

What I'd give to know how he looks like.

"Thank you. Now get the hell away".

The hasty steps are quick to be present, I also would have run away if I've ever heard such a deep voice threatening me in that same way. The rest of the school goes back to their usual loud sounds after a long and tedious Monday, all that I want to do now is go home, and if it's not too much to ask also spend a couple of hours with him.

"So, I have good news and bad news" I purse my lips and arch my right eyebrow while we finally split up. I hate to be limited to those options. "Which one do you want to hear first?".

"First of all I would like to discuss how you manage to change the tone of your voice that way" the sweetness in it is… agh, too much!

I love it.

"I'm a completely different person when I'm by your side, that's why".

"Is it a nice change?" he lifts my chin with his fingers, I moisten my lips slightly with the tip of my tongue as a kind of reflex.

"What do you think?" his nose rubs mine just for a second before he turns his head. The hallway is too crowded to something like this to happen. "But, which option you want to hear?" he growls against my cheek and kisses whenever the letters allows him.

He moves away and that allows me to finish settling everything inside my locker, which means that simply leave everything in a mess and tomorrow I'll have to find what I need. Anyway I need ways to entertain me while he decides to appear with some kind of surprise.

I close the door, hanging my almost empty backpack on my shoulders and raising my eyebrows, Spencer lets out the air like a sigh.

"I suppose the bad news" he grunts and snorts like a horse.

"I wanted to give you a couple of books as a continuation of your birthday gift, but since they will take a little longer to be transcribed then you'll have to wait a couple of days".

"I can wait" I say, completely excited to learn that there's a surprise waiting for me. Then comes to me the moment to think that that's not all bad news, because it could be thought of as a moved ahead Christmas gift or something on the matter. "So what's the good news?".

"Oh, my parents want to meet you".

Are there any words that can make time to just stand still, that the consistency of things gets lost and that everything that happening inside your head explodes at that very moment? I think that just like a girl when she says 'I'm pregnant' his words just achieved it.

The straps of my backpack seems to be the most entertaining activities that there could exist, the friction which causes on my fingers against the material while my hands anxiously moves up and down at a considerably high speed makes me realize about how nervous he makes me feel to hear that, and knowing that I'll know but at the same time I will not know his parents.

"W-why…?" I finally ask, after hallucinating that the heat in my hand will start to cook my skin.

"I don't know, I told them a bit about you and immediately they came out with the thing that they wanted to know you".

I move the tip of my right foot on the floor, then I start playing with an imaginary pebble that if it was real then anyway I couldn't see it. Everything becomes a little so strange now, I still feel in good spirits but with a horrible lump in my throat.

"They…?" I ramble in that last part, breaking my oath about not bringing back the issue afloat.

"What?" he asks, getting close enough so that the tips of his shoes collide with mine. My blush is going to kill me.

"Do they know that… you know, I'm blind?".

The knot becomes in a rope that's compressing my throat, I begin to feel a tingle of nervousness in my forearms and dedicate myself to mitigate it, Spencer should notice that I scratch them more than the necessary because he takes my hand and instead of letting me to move it aside slightly he entwines our fingers, sending now an electric shock on my arm and straight to remove my sanity.

"Well… y-yeah, they know, it was something of the first things that I said about you".

"And… they know about the accident…?" I say, completely avoiding saying 'do they know it was your fault?' because it would be the worst thing I can say at this time, but I'm already playing with fire and in anytime I will burn myself.

"Yes" he assures, then he takes a deep breath. "They know that you are blind because of me".

That statement now turns the knot to feel like a sack of sand that's pouring slowly into my lungs and now is compressing my entire chest, I feel like I'm about to pass out to bring back the topic, adding that his parents want to know me when they know some bit of the history that preceded the fact that now we continue with our fingers entwined.

In a moment of paying attention abroad I realize that the hallway has become in a ghastly quiet place, only a few people are chatting in the distance while I also note that we're talking in whispers.

I'm not very good at meeting strangers, much less if it comes to chat with adults, but it's something like a moment that would have to happen sooner or later, one way or another, but honestly if that moment was kept as far as possible it would still be great.

"Listen, I understand that it can be difficult, and it's not something you have to do if you don't want to, I just thought that…".

"Come on, I want to know them".

He falters ad the middle of his speech and lets out a nervous laugh, one that I can't describe exactly, it sounds like a mixture of disbelief with somewhat of overflowing joy.

"Are you serious?" the hand that's entwined with mine begins to tremble, I slowly guide my free hand to his cheek to realize that he has, perhaps, the widest smile I've ever been able to feel on his face.

"Yeah, I'm serious. It sounds exciting".

His hands get together in my cheeks and he pulls himself forward, stopping right in the previous moment before his breathing (which for a moment was ragged with mine) now stops being so and that the little distance between us disappears.

I swear I wasn't making any strange face, I neither moved at all, I just stood there, waiting. Although I suppose that he also expected me to react in some way, in the same brash way than he at least, not that I just stayed there with the same vital energy that a log.

To remove my suspicions that probably I did something wrong he kisses me on both corners of my mouth, on the nose and in the forehead, he caresses my cheekbones and that seems to rekindle my blushing, the heat I feel on the cheeks is very intense.

"So, let's go".

He sends a text message to Madison so she don't get scared or worried if she doesn't find me at home, and also he asks her to tell mom and dad about it, when he finishes I assume that he puts his right hand inside a pocket of his jacket, the movement he always does before we start walking, because he knows that I prefer to go around walking around by taking him from his arm instead of using the cane, but it also happens to be times when he doesn't warn me of the bumps and that kind of important stuff.

We start to walk and before we leave the building I stand there, feeling the warm and strangely cool breeze that has blown in the last couple of days. Behind us I hear lively discussions, lockers closing and the unmistakable sound that people make when they're kissing someone.

«Stop it world, it will happen later».

"What's wrong?" he asks, and I almost forgot that it was me who stayed standing still.

I removed my hand from his arm and make to pull his out from the small pocket, I slide my hand down the length of his sleeve until I can finally find his own, rough and smooth in unequal parts, our fingers completely get entwine and they have a little nervousness on my part, but when his grip becomes firmer and the shadow of a kiss wanders over my temple that's when another sigh gets out directly from my soul.

His hand is somewhat bigger than mine, so they seem to fit perfectly, and it comes to my mind the strange but hackneyed idea that a member of the Titans is dating a cheerleader, or in this case an ex-cheerleader.

Spencer is giving me the opportunity to give things the time that is needed because he knows that I have to get along with everything that's happening, and knowing that he does all that without the reward of a kiss on the lips makes me feel like the worst person in the universe.

"I just realized you're the best person in the world".

"And I'm inspired by how brave you are".

Holding hands and also with a stupid grin on my face, that I'm sure he also has, we leave the building, listening to some hubbubs in our way that this time are not important to me at all. For him I'm someone brave, and I guess that for some amount of people I also am.

Could it really be true that someone like me can prove to be inspiring for the others? I'm not sure, and if bravery could be defined by simply letting things to be and act over them (all in my way) then I think I'll completely take his compliment, and I let him know it by kissing his cheek, hear him laugh a little and move his arm to be placed on my shoulders. His hand doesn't split apart from mine for a single moment.

My hell week is now becoming something really wonderful.

* * *

"I, uh… well, Spens, I'm not so sure about this" I say, moving a little bit uncomfortable in my place. What am I doing now?

"Come on, it's too simple" he whispers with a growl in my ear, causing a shiver throughout my body.

He stands behind me, his hands on my shoulders and with arms outstretched. I take a deep breath and raise my head, 'looking' straight ahead and to the other houses that remains to get there.

"We're about three streets away to arrive, it will not be a big problem".

"Are you going to guide me?" he gives me a tap and shakes me a little, the ways to encourage that I remember were welded between friends, FRIENDS, not in between what it's supposed to exist between us. I'd much rather have his fingers entwined with mine than being the one who's going to lead us throughout the neighborhood towards his place.

"Of course I will".

I snort while his hands are placed back on my shoulders, I hold on to the straps of the backpack to not stretch my arms and looks like if I'm trying to find something in the total darkness when out here it's like three of the afternoon more or less, the weather is cloudy, according to him, so the sun can't touch my skin to tell me exactly.

Shakily I raise my right foot and take a big step forward, feeling like if I had broken a bone and I were giving my first step after months of treatment with the broken limb. When I don't stumble now I move on the left foot, Spencer's hands moves on my shoulders to encourage me to continue going. Each one of my steps is followed by one of his own, but he moves closer to cross his arms over my small chest.

"How did you stop being a Cheerio?" he asks at a distance too close to my left ear. "There's a hydrant on your right".

I stretch that foot a little to feel it, I find it two seconds later so I move to the center of the sidewalk as I start to think about the day when it all started to fall apart, the day when I met him in a certain way, and the first time when I wanted him to leave me alone.

Now I need him by far.

"Basically coach Washington told me that she couldn't have me in the squad because it was pointless from me to cheer from the ground, and I must admit that it's an impressive break".

"I don't know what I would do if coach Beiste cuts me out of the team" he tries to say more to himself but fails in an Olympic way.

"You would have me to solve it out, right?" he moves quickly to kiss my cheek.

"Of course I do, you would be my first choice if I needed a shoulder to let go in tears" he says, dramatizing every word. "Street crossing".

I stay still until I get his signal to cross, my movements are somewhat mechanical because I'm not that used to walk with someone holding my shoulders or without the cane in my hand, but I have to admit it's nice to feel that I almost don't need strong evidences to continue with my life.

I imagine the picture that must be seen from the windows of his neighbors and I think about two guys walking on a cloudy afternoon, heading towards who knows where to who knows what to do. They wouldn't seem to be in love if it weren't that the love-struck eyes from one are digging into the nape of the other one.

We chat a little of what we did throughout the day, and I keep wondering why the hell we couldn't have the luck of some class where we could be together, but then I remember that my grades are not being the best, and to have him there with me it would have been a nice distraction.

I also start thinking that would have accelerated the process a little of how we feel about each other. Probably by now we would be going to the same place, his arm around my shoulders and turning our heads from time to time to know that we will always be in each other's company when our lips met. Always sounds a little excessive, I'd rather say as long as it lasts.

"Well, we're about to get there" he says and I breathe a sigh of relief, "but this last part of the street has too many stairs, so you can get the cane out and plunge hitting it against everything in your path, or you can climb on my back and make things easier".

He releases my shoulders to move forward and stands in front of me, he takes my hands and I follow them with my hollow stare, I give him a small smile while I wonder if it's true the proposal that he just made to me. The serious silence that just prostrate upon us just tells me yes, and the fact that he caresses the back of my hand with his thumbs doesn't do anything more but to tell me what's the answer that he wants.

"Turn around" I smile when he begins to jump for joy, he clears his throat like if that would mitigate the fact that I could see him doing that.

He hands me his backpack, quite heavy now that I think (I have in mind that's it because he has to read books while I'm just wasting my time) and I place it on my shoulders, I put my hands on his shoulders and with a little jump I'm on him, his arms hugs my legs and fastens me securely.

I feel totally safe up here.

"You're not heavy at all".

"I'll take that as a compliment" I kiss him on top of his head to then put my chin on his short, spiky hair. "Now come on, my trusty steed".

"Now I'll take that as a compliment".

He laughs as he starts walking, he ask me how's the weather up here and he goes making little jokes while he speeds the pace, moves back, jumps over some steps and achieves that my heart gets in my throat. I haven't had so much fun in weeks.

He partially turns to the left and now his steps get into a tilted floor that are squeaking beneath his sneakers, he climbs up a couple of steps and pats his hands on my thighs, a sign that my little walk is now over. I growl while my little human carousel ride gets over, I give him his heavy backpack and he kisses me on the nose.

The front door opens with the first movement of his hand, once we get in I hear the sound of a boring golf game on television while also my nose is invaded by something being fried in the kitchen. My stomach growls and I cover it with my arms to prevent it from being so loud.

"I'm home" Spencer says while he closes the door with some force.

"About time" growls his father, the serious tone of his voice is scary, so that I feel the hairs on my neck bristling.

"Mom, dad, can you two guys come here a minute…?" I feel his gaze settled on me, I also feel that his hand is shaking a little. I dedicate him a smile that I hope is reassuring enough so he doesn't feel nervous. "There's someone I want you to meet…".

The TV goes off and a couple of dishes moves in the distance, I hear the footsteps of his parents approaching to the doorway and I get tense on my shoulders for a moment, a reaction that may can happen to me even if I could see Mr. and Mrs. Porter.

If I could see I would be in this situation? Only luck will know.

The footsteps stop when I can swear that they were about to crush me, I don't know why I feel that his father must be a person who imposes his presence while his mother must be a delicate but at the same time secure and self-confident woman willing to become a leader if the situation warrants it.

"Mom, Dad, he is Mace… sorry, he is Mason" he comes up with the idea of putting a finger under my chin to make me 'look at them'. "My boyfriend".

The word coves to the depths of my spinal cord and sends an order to my brain that makes me to even get tenser, just like a bow about to shoot an arrow. I blink a few times and outline the best smile of which I'm aware that I can show to them.

"It's a pleasure to meet you" I say, with some hesitation in my voice but at the same time trying to stay strong.

"The pleasure is all ours, Mason" says his mother, using a sweet, soothing voice, the same one used by him when he's with me.

"It truly is a pleasure" says the chilling voice of his father, I reach out and he immediately catches it, he shakes them more times than the necessary and using a little rudeness in his grip. I guess he's nervous, also that his hands are much bigger than those of Spencer. "When Spencer spoke about you we didn't believe it was true".

"Uh, can I ask what?" I say, moving my head to the right to shake his mother's, who was erroneously at the left.

"We didn't actually believe that you were dating our son after what he just did to you".

«Alright, his talent with words comes straight from his father».

"Dad…" Spencer growls while his mother snorts.

"Oh no, no, that's not I meant, I rather think I meant that we didn't expect that you could tolerate him or something…" «this is getting worse and chopped».

"Honey, I think that's enough" says his mother, now sounding like a stern and strict woman. I can't imagine the kind of lucky that Spencer should run at the time of the grounding issues. "What we mean about it is that we are surprised that you two have seen the oasis of happiness after the hard times in which you went through".

I can't stop smiling as I think I like a little more the thinking way of his mother, but that doesn't stop me by feeling that she also says things to try to apologize for what Spencer did to me. Now that's the most unimportant thing to me, and over the time I'll forget all about it, quite and simply just because those things happen like that.

I will not forget the traumatic event of course, that would be a bit impossible, but I _will_ forget my whole desire to throwing blames and qualify between good people and bad people.

"Mason, would you like to accompany us for lunch?" I'm about to kindly refuse her offer when Spencer gives me a nudge in the ribs and my stomach growls again.

"It would be an honor, Mrs. Porter" I say, just like the gentleman that mom told me I should be when I'm visiting someone.

"Any friend of Spencer is always welcome".

"Yeah, he's not a friend mom, but thanks anyway" Spencer says, obviously frustrated. "We'll be in my room if you need us".

"I'll tell you when everything is ready".

Spencer takes me with a little of nervous force and we start walking, he indicates me the number of steps and we climb them up slowly while I'm listening to his parents muttering that they screwed it up and that surely now they believe that I hate them. I don't hate them, anyway their personalities are combined in Spencer, and he added a little more to become an amazing guy.

We walk down a wide corridor to the last door on the right, the one for his room, which creaks a bit while its opening, it doesn't stop doing so when he starts moving and takes me with him, but we don't give more than three steps when he stops to close it. He decides to start moving to the left and he makes me stand beside him, he takes my right hand and stretches it so I can feel what's in front of me.

"This is my desk, the swivel chair, my computer and the lava lamp dad gave me on my last birthday" he goes saying while we move to the right, with slow paces as my hand slides on everything he owns.

We went through bookshelves, nightstands on either side of his bed, a double bed with sheets with prints that he didn't want to describe because he says that they are 'ridiculous', his guitar, the flat screen with his videogame console on the floor, the small team of weights which according to him he 'occupies only occasionally and before the games', his drawers and back to the door.

Everything perishes of stuff really interesting, but certainly what strikes me is the mixture of odors between its walls. It's like a mixture of cologne, the shower soap and some fabric softener, all that mixed with the scent coming out from his body, the natural aroma with which I fell intoxicated in that night that we spent together.

There are still nights when I hold on to his pillow, although the aroma starts to fade away…

"… and that's all that I have" she says while he makes me to sit at one edge of the bed. I move my left hand back to find a more comfortable position and I find myself with something small and plushy, I take it and immediately I hear him releasing a loud growl. "I'm sorry about what happened with my parents, they're not usually like that when… oh…".

My hands move on the plushy surface, over the bowtie that adorns the neck of the toy while I also feel its fluffy ears, the small tail that it has and the huge eyes that I think should be black or brown.

"Uh… I…" he says between audible gasps of terror.

"A… teddy bear?" I ask, more than anything I'm looking for a confirmation.

"Booky".

"Bless you" I say, and he laughs heartily. And it's not a fake laugh, he actually takes a minute or two to stop laughing and level his breathing.

"No, Mace. He is Booky" he snaps out, like if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

"What's a Booky?".

"It's my teddy bear" he says, like if it were the best kept confession that can be in the universe, one of so many confessions that a person can may have saved in a chest with the key on and in the middle of the ocean. "I have him since I was three years old, it would be impossible to be away from him".

"How does he looks like?" I ask, with genuine curiosity.

"His fur is brown, his ears are made of a darker shade, just like how the bitter chocolates are or something like that. His eyes are brown and very huge, and in all his paws he has white circles where there should be his little fingers, his bowtie is black with small white dots".

I give him a squeeze to make sure that it's not one of those little teddy bears that says 'I love you' countless times until you want to wrest the batteries away and sink them into the depths of the Earth for that squeaky voice don't become in something repetitive.

"I never thought you were the kind of guys who have plushy animals".

"I'm not… not at all, he's the only one who survived a purge of toys when I was ten, because everyone began to lose meaning.

"My latest toy was a race car by remote control when I was ten" I say, with a somewhat melancholy tone, remembering that amazing car being crushed by a real car as it was moving backwards.

I don't stop holding Booky while we talk about toys, all the toys that we can remember since we can remember.

His is obviously the teddy bear that I'm holding in my hands, while mine was a small toad that had lots of prerecorded songs, of which I can remember just a few in front of him because I don't want him to hear me when I remember all and each one of them with all the varieties of tones and accents.

I tell him that I had plushy animals too, like any other child of any other age, but that Madison had an unhealthy habit to take over all of them because she thought they were exclusive toys for girls. I can still remember her removing away from my little hands a black dragon whose blue eyes glowed in the dark, and how was that she gave it to charity.

"And do you sleep with him?" I ask after a while, on the verge of laughter with no meaning to offend him after thinking about all that.

"Not exactly to be honest, I put him at the head of the bed because I'm afraid to crush him" I arch my right eyebrow a little, "I mean, you can feel him, he's too soft to find a destination being crushed by my body, and… oh, he's just so cute that…".

"No way!" I say, totally exaggerating the things just because I like to hear the hesitation in his voice and discover new facets of his personality. "You love Booky more than you do to me! You're more in love with a teddy bear than you are to me!"

"That's… not entirely true".

I cross my arms and stand up, holding the little bear by one of his lower paws, listening how he begs nearly a thousand times for me to treat him extremely carefully. I don't know what he thinks that I could do but one thing is certain, I would never be able to harm something that makes him so happy.

"Say it, say you love me more than Booky".

I hear him getting on his feet and walks towards me taking hasty steps, he tries to get it off from my hands but somehow I manage to avoid his movement, again he tries to get it off and again I move in another direction, hitting his drawers but the bear still in my possession.

He manages to hold one of my hands, with entire delicacy, before I can change the position of the bear, and before he can take it off I put him inside my shirt, crossing my arms so he can't get him so easily. Spens makes a sound similar to that when a young child wouldn't get what he wants, but his hands don't venture to try to take it off.

"I haven't heard you saying it" I say, challenging him. This time he comes to put his hands under my shirt, but I manage to stop him setting my back in his way.

He makes a click with his tongue now and uses that moment of weakness to hug me, he moves back enough so that both of us fall on his bed. We struggle a bit, without stop laughing like lunatics, until I can get upside down, another moment of weakness (conscious because I know what I'm doing) so he comes dangerously close to me.

"Mace, I love you more than I do to Booky".

Our small knot and small game ends when I lie on my back to deliver him his most prized possession. If I could see then I'm sure that I would be watching the meeting of two best friends that were separated by just a couple of minutes.

I freeze for a moment and close my eyes, running my fingers over the covers as I feel that there is something compelling in them, something that tells me to stay here for a few minutes, a few hours, for weeks, forever. When is it going to be the day when my exaggerations stop being so extreme?

I remember that they are not exaggerations, those are the ways in which I behave when I'm around him, and just after a week of not being able to enjoy moments like this those ideas are quite recurrent.

"Can two people may be occupying the same space at the same time?" he asks in my ear, before taking a bold kiss on my neck. I don't know where I am right now, I don't even know who I am.

Before I could get up, or even being able to open my eyes, he moves to the bottom of the bed, he lifts my shirt with one movement without some kind of warning and sticks his head under it, he exhales on my bellybutton and starts moving upwards, kissing shadows on my stomach, going up over my chest each time more slower.

My hands move towards his head but can't get to move him away, my heart races like crazy per millisecond that he stays there, breathing and tempting me, while somehow his body completely slips under my shirt, so that he makes that some of the threads to be forced too much and begins to break.

"Spencer, wait…" he continues to rise up as I keep moving beneath him, he laughs with his nose while I hear more seams of my shirt tearing up.

"Can they be?" he inquires when he arrives and kisses repeatedly in some points under my jaw, that's when I heard the first rending over my clothes.

"Spencer! I scream, the worst mistake I could ever make because he rises up so suddenly, ripping off the front of my shirt. My chest without muscles is now in front of his eyes that can see while I'm also flushed, with my heart in my throat and… very excited…

He sits without some kind of shame on my lap, I sit up like a spring but his hand places over my chest, his fingers seems to be dismissing the heat that surely he also must be experiencing inside his body, the hastiness of his breathing tells me everything.

"Perfection, that's what you are" now his other hand places over me, making that all the blood in my body to focus merely on the south, and I'm at a point where I like what's going on while I want him to stop.

"Y-your parents are d-downstairs" I say, swallowing the lump that forms in my throat and trying to keep some of my bad mood. "Furthermore you broke my shirt! I can't get home like this!".

"Mason, Please!" he says with a mischievous laugh. His hands move away for just a few seconds before he spreads them with something between them. "Now you have a shirt, it's noteworthy that it's new since I bought it on Saturday".

I take it and the warmth that emanates from it tells me it's the one he was wearing today, and that now he is just as bare as I am, only that he has attributes that show while I'm just here with Spencer on my lap.

"B-but…".

"Besides that you also have this".

He hugs me on the spot, but this time he doesn't do it for the simple fact of wanting to prove his affection, he does it because surely he knew immediately that the warm and smooth skin of his chest, with all and adding the hard and delicious muscles, begun to rub against my body it would be a moment that I simply couldn't refuse and I would seek ways to continue with it.

I put my hands on his waist and try to imitate the movements that he does with his torso, from up and down, at both sideways and from the inside out. It's impossible for me not being gasping while his forehead is placed against mine, our breathings are crashing and we simply are stuck in another time that's merely for us.

He takes me firmly by the cheeks, he makes me to tilt my head slightly to the right and that his breath now is literally tickling over my upper lip. I squint when I feel that his soft lower lip is trembling over mine, his chest pressed completely against mine and how accelerated his heart is it's just being matched with mine in all the matters.

"This time you will not be able to escape" the growl that accompanies his voice makes me to cling to his waist. The panting that's coming out of his throat drives me completely crazy.

Before anything else can happen someone knocks on the door of his room, his mother says that damn lunch is now ready and she'll be waiting for us downstairs in two minutes.

It's not the fact that his mother stop us what's making everything to go back to have a more rational sense, it does so the fact that I was about to give in to one of the most exciting experiences of my life, not knowing at what point there could be a way in which I could hold on to myself to stop and think how much my life is changing. And it's changing in the best way.

He moves in a certain way that I can notice that I'm not the only one who was completely excited by the situation. I wear his shirt anyways, which for obvious reasons fits me by a larger size, while I hear him opening and closing his drawers reluctantly.

"Why is life so cruel?" he says while he makes more moves, I guess he just get well and decent before going down.

"I've wondered the same thing for several weeks, and I still can't find the answer".

He entwines his hand with mine and before we leave his room he hugs me, I don't know why I feel that in such this way he used to hug Booky when he was scared at night, or during a lightning storm, or simply because he felt the urges to do it.

"I love you, Mace, and I'm really sorry for having taken advantage of the situation, I…" I place my hands on his waist to push him away a bit.

"I love you too, Spens, and you don't have to feel like an abusive because you weren't, I also wanted it to happen".

I put my hands on his cheeks, he smiles and I kiss him on the the corners of his lips, he slightly pushes forward so that can maybe count as a 'matched kiss'.

I don't know how much longer he will have to wait for the situation to allow really that everything summarize in a loving kiss, but if there are situations like this involved before that happens then I can't imagine the kind of things that can come later.


	20. I'm here

And yeah, here's the final chapter of this story with just a perfect song to finish it up. Although this time there was a little less receiving from all of you I think that at least there was people who remained constant to follow this story, I thank you a lot :)

I have lots of ideas for this couple in some one-shots or in some other story, and I may even change the couples, I have to consider it a little.

Anyway, enjoy this last chapter as much as I did writing it, and it's LONG so take it easy there :)

Song: Nothing's Gonna Stop Us Now - Starship (/watch?v=3wxyN3z9PL4)

Lyrics: Mason – _italics_ Spencer – _underlined_ Both - _**bold**_

* * *

 **I'm here**

The days before Christmas are a couple of dates where families are gathered together, where there are mounds of snow at the entrances of the cars and often there are also a few in the middle of the street, the interiors of the houses glow with lots of lights with different colors or also with white lights, fireplaces lit up and families having a good time.

While I stay lying on the mattress I start thinking that maybe I shouldn't reject Spencer's invitation to attend to the winter ball from tonight, or being locked up in the house while mom and dad are finishing up with some last minute Christmas shopping.

But I can't help it, I envy and desire to live the most of everything it has to do with these dates. Right now I feel like the Grinch, but I'm still not at the disposal of stealing Christmas from everyone in the neighborhood, and even if I want to do so I'd need so much help.

The winter wind blows hard and sometimes outside the window, some fragments of ice crashes against the glass from time to time, I wrap myself more on the soft blanket covering my bed and take the book that Spencer gave me, one of the seven titles that appeared one day inside my locker.

 _Les Misérables_ , _A Clockwork Orange_ , _Alice in Wonderland_ , _Carmilla_ , and _The Hunger Games_ trilogy, all of them with a cover made in braille, thing I didn't think that it could be possible. Right now I'm in that part of _Mockingjay_ where everyone is dying and I no longer want to keep changing pages because I don't know what might be on the other side, just what I've heard when people talk about the _Game of Thrones_ books. I'll try to get one of those for my birthday, this is too much for Spencer.

He has enough dealing with me to give me surprises like that.

I take a deep breath and work up the courage enough to continue with the slaughter that I have on paper, I slid my right forefinger until I finally find the paragraph where I was, and from the very beginning nothing sounds promising.

" _ **First**_ I get a glimpse of the blond braid down her back. Then, as she yanks off her coat to cover a wailing child, I notice the duck tail formed by her untucked shirt. I have the same reaction I did the day Effie Trinket called her name at the reaping. At least, I must go limp, because I find myself at the base of the flagpole, unable to account for the last few seconds. Then I am pushing through the crowd, just as I did before. Trying to shout her name above the roar. I'm almost there, almost to the barricade, when I think she hears me. Because for just a moment, she catches sight of me, her lips form my name.

And that's when the rest of the parachutes go off".

"No, no, no, no, no, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO! NO! NO!" I shout with all my might while I refuse to throw the book out the window and hit the walls that I have nearby. "That simply did NOT just happened!".

I take a pillow and put it on my face, I drown screams against it and also my sudden impulses by letting go everything by crying. She was so young, she was going to be a wonderful nurse, she was necessary… everyone needed her, her sister… Katniss… this is too much.

The doorbell rakes me out of my little moment of excess of emotions, and I could almost feel the moment when the parachutes explode. Who would be more devastated if that happened? Mom? Dad? Madison? or… Spens?

I get up when the doorbell insists again, I put the blanket over my shoulders and walk shuffling, I think I also just had the same mental collapse that my favorite main character. I love her history, so if I remove all the entire deaths that have been happened and those that whether they're about to come in the stretch missing for me to finish.

When I'm in the middle of the corridor that reaches the door I hear a cheerful whistle from the other side, like if it wasn't freezing out there, and now the doorbell stops making noise and the knocks are at the door. I almost forgot that there is a crystal that adorns it and that almost everything can be seen on the other side.

"Who is it?" I ask while I place my hand against the door, my hands are still trembling a bit due to that time of reading for which I definitely wasn't ready or prepared.

"Uh, it's me, Spens" «now I'll add that I neither was prepared for him to come and visit me, he was supposed to be on his way to another place».

I raise my head and frown a bit, at the same time I also bite my lower lip a bit because the fact that he's on the other side of the door only means that Madison had failed in the only order I've done with her in a whole week, now she owes me this time.

He was supposed to be in McKinley right now, in the gymnasium, dancing and singing along with the performance that all New Directions had prepared, one that however oddly it could seem was planned by us. From the beginning I told Rachel that I didn't wanted to participate, and although she agreed reluctantly I assumed there wouldn't be major consequences.

I take the doorknob and open it slowly, if I could see then I would surely be seeing a disappointed expression for not being present with the others in the gym, but again I don't have the mood to do something in the most important date and the most that I look forward in the whole year.

"Is it really you?" to answer that his hands places on my waist, they slide slowly and he pulls me closer to his body in a warm hug because of the coat that he's wearing on while at the same it's cold due to the light snowpack that covers him.

"It's really me" he whispers on the exposed part of my neck, which doesn't reach to be covered by the blanket.

We stand there for a moment, wrapped in each other's arms, while that the breeze is whistling behind him and I can hear some carols in the distance. How can people be outside with this hell of weather?

"I don't understand, what are you doing here?" I ask with evident surprise in my voice while I split apart a bit and lean my nose on his, smiling while he caresses my cheekbones. "I thought you'd be in the ball".

"I was about to leave my house until I came up with the idea to call Madison before, I asked if you two were already there and she told me that _she_ was at McKinley".

I chuckled because he tells the history like if it were a kind of detective story, and frankly the way in which he tells it makes me want to listen to him talk for hours, but Madison told the truth.

"Then, since she emphasized that word I got to think: 'well, where could my cute boyfriend be right now?' and the first thought that crossed my mind was that you would be here" he moves his head, now I no longer envy Eskimos and their way of showing affection. "Plus you're the only person with who I wanted to dance tonight, so I didn't see the point to go if you weren't there".

My forehead hits against his chest, his barely perceptible heartbeat is the most perfect melody that I have now, even better than the carols that are still being sung in some place near in the neighborhood. A strong blow from the blizzard makes us shudder, I raise up my head and kiss his nose.

"Come in or you'll catch cold".

I take him by the shoulders, I smile to him while I bite my lower lip slightly and force him to get in, but not before listening him dragging a couple of things with him, but I don't know what are they but they didn't sound so heavy.

"I like the decorations that you all decided to place in here, like the one outside" I solemnly swear that the wipe to close the door was an accident, but since I can't undo it I just try to pretend like it never happened, "yeah, uh… well, I must ask: where's everybody?".

"Well obviously Madison is in the ball, mom and dad are somewhere doing last minute shopping".

"What can be it so important for them to go out at this time, and in this dates to be exact?" as I recall it was nearly nine p.m. the last time I heard the clock, so it's not _that_ late.

"Things for Christmas dinner" I sigh, moving away the hair that covers my forehead, "dad prepares a dessert of apple with cinnamon so delicious that it would be a crime if it's not present this year".

"I wish I could be there for that".

I give him a nudge in the ribs while we walk side by side towards the living room, Spens is dedicated to get rid of the grating sound of the series of Christmas lights adorning the huge tree that must be a few meters away from the fireplace. I really like the melody, no doubt about that, but I've been hearing it for about three continuous hours, it's a relief.

"So then…" he takes my right hand and makes me to sit on the couch next to him, the space between us is nonexistent at the time that his arm is placed on my shoulders, "do you want to do something?".

I take the blanket off just a little and then put it over his shoulders, the cold emanating from his body for not having his coat on is not what I expected, but that doesn't stop that he begins to shiver and moves closer to me, placing his head on my shoulder and sighing.

"I don't know, you can watch a movie while I put my head in your lap and we stay here".

"That sounds great" he kisses me on the cheek, now it hardly surprises me that much when he does since from some time ago he has decided to clear his throat before kissing me, his warning.

While he meditates the ideas I start to think about another of the arrangement I did to Madison, the one which is still in my room, I know that because I made sure it was there by my touch. A little nervousness comes over me at the thought of that option, but it's simply because everything that he does, thinks and says with me, about me and about us that I can't help thinking that I'm the worst boyfriend in the world.

«Boyfriend… boyfriend… boyfriend… I finally said it, in some way».

"Or we can" I interrupt his thought, "I don't know, if you want we to can go up to my room, I can give you the present that I've prepared for you and see the movie there, with some cookies that should be in the kitchen".

"That sounds even better".

One of his hand travels to the side of my face, his index finger traces the line of my jaw before cupping it, also leaning forward and kissing my nose. I let out a sigh as I realize that he moves down very fast, falling on my cheek; my foot gets shoot straight and it makes me to push down something, the sound of the hit echoes through the slightly empty house.

The sound is equal to the explosion that I just read, and that takes out from my head any ideas having to do with pleasant sensations.

"Wait, no!" I cross my arms and I can't help but start thinking that my expression must be similar to that of a tantrum of a small child. "Right now I'm so upset with you" to finish with that I purse my lips a little.

"What do I did this time?" he asks with a small laugh, but that takes me somewhat by surprise. «This time?».

"You gave me a book where everyone dies, a trio of books now that I think" I arch my right eyebrow, clears his throat.

"Oh, you got to that part".

"Yeah, and I'm really upset with you. I haven't finished yet with the last one and I don't want to continue".

"I also was very surprised with all those deaths, here among us I'll tell you that I cried on some occasions" he moves his head and his breath crashes against my neck, a small gasp escapes without my permission. "But you can't be upset, if you are then I have brought my guitar in vain".

I feel that in my cheeks runs a blush, I smile and raise my shoulder to catch his cheeks against me, I move my head so that now my breathing is also crashing against his neck, then everything becomes in a little tickle war without some kind of quarter, in which I'm losing in such a completely pathetic way simply because I love his hands on my waist and his laughter crashing against my neck.

I shrink in the couch a little each time until it reaches a point where my head is on one of the armrests, his head is still rubbing against my neck and my hands are placed on his waist, something that always makes him to get tense. I guess he doesn't like me to do it, but he never had told me to quit it, and I honestly don't know if I would abide that order.

"Let's go to my room" I say when his nose is placed on mine. The little grunt is something that not even I could have been able to avoid.

He stands up and helps me to stand up, he entwines his hand with mine and we start walking while he puts the guitar on his back and raises up a couple of things that I still don't know what they are with his free hand. More gifts?

Before going up I say that I'll go find something in the kitchen, he insists to help me but I simply give him a kiss on the cheek and that's enough for him to leave. I want to do things alone.

While I try to find the jar with the cookies that mom was baking with Madison yesterday again comes to me the idea that right now Spencer and I could be in the middle of the dance floor, next to each other, swaying slowly while some cheesy song sounds in the background, reminding me that I'd never felt this way with a person.

It's like if the slow way in which I take things in a relationship now doesn't have a reason to be and I simply act on what my stupid impulses orders me to do, though I don't know if that's a very good idea…

I move aside the options on which I can no longer pick and take the tray on which mom usually puts some fruits to now place a couple of cookies and two warm cups of a drink made with cinnamon and sugary water, something that she loves to drink always. It's not of my total satisfaction, but since it's less likely for me to suffer a serious burn if I stumble with this then it's what I can ask most for, also that we don't have any hot chocolate.

I balance the tray with my left hand and with the right one I'm guided over the walls to know where I'm going, I start to climb up the stairs and Spens guitar serves a little to get my bearings.

When I push the door of my room to get in I hear him more clearly while he's tuning his guitar at the same time when he also sighs, the sound that's coming out from his body is a synonymous of things that he hasn't said as well as things that has him a little anxious, and apparently those are things that he's not planning to say.

Will I be the cause of any of those things? Very probably yes.

"Hey, what's going on?" I ask with a little smile while I hear him getting up, he takes the tray from my hands and I hear him moving away, then he returns to take my hand and entwine our fingers firmly.

"What are you talking about?"

"The way in which you sighed was… I don't know, different".

"Oh, it's nothing, everything is alright" he lets go my hand.

"Spens, tell me" I kindly insist while I move forward, groping in my way and with the door closing behind me, to be able to find one of the legs of the bed with my bare feet. I bite my cheek from the inside to keep me from screaming in pain when my little toe finds it. "What's worrying you?".

"Mace, I swear it, there's nothing that worries me" I sense that he passes next to me, I reach out and miraculously I manage to hold one of his thighs.

"I've learned to listen to that sort of things for a while, so I can assure it" I lean my palm completely against his thigh and I restrain myself by sighing, or to do something else. This is a serious moment. "Talk to me".

He sits beside me, his waist is almost above on mine, but he doesn't seems to it notice because he simply sighs heavily, like if by doing so he got rid a bit of what he have inside his head. The words are a better solution, but they haven't been in total utility at times.

One of those few times was when I finally gave meaning to what happened with me and Spens long time ago.

"Honestly it's not a big deal, it's just that my parents are in the hospital taking care of my grandma" I can hear that he's indeed really sad, and I can just imagine his expression.

"Is she okay?" for a moment I reconsider over the obviousness in the question, but the most I can hear what bothers him is better.

"She had a heart attack a few days ago, but I guess that was something that should be expected, after all she's ninety-three years old".

I place my head on his shoulder and one of his hands places on my knee, he draw small circles with his fingers to finally leave it still on my thigh and he sighs again.

"The doctors say that she will be like new in a couple of weeks, but when I went to visit her I could clearly note that she's willing to move on to the afterlife and meet again with grandpa".

It occurs to me to suggest him the idea of resorting to euthanasia, but that would be synonymous of a crime in all aspects because a person may not cause the death of another one, even if it is the will of that other person.

I put a hand on his shoulder, I slid it until I find his face and so I can cup one of his cheeks, I approach to him while I make him to spin until his forehead gently places against mine. He takes my hand and I close my eyes at the same time as he does.

"You count with me at all times, you know it".

"I know it".

He hugs me, he clings to me with a bit of desperation while his head sinks into my neck. My hands roams his back to try to provide him some relief, I hum a little lullaby while I move from front to back, which makes him to cling closer to me. Among his whispers I can hear him saying that he loves me (thing that I obviously say back to him) and that he will try to stop keeping that kind of things, the sentimental stuff, to himself.

The humidity of a couple of tears touches my neck, the sigh of full relief that's coming out of his chest takes my breath away. It's the first time I can be with him for a moment of vulnerability.

"Enough of sentimentality, tell me what you want to hear" he sips his nose and takes his guitar again to finish tuning the last chords, by the suddenness of his mood change I could almost bet that he's bipolar, but I stop thinking about that and I give him the warmest of my smiles.

"Surprise me".

I move on the bed while he sits there and begins to move his fingers over the strings. I dare to compare and say that he doesn't has the same skills as Roderick with the instrument, but having Spens here, playing and singing for me is what matters most now. The only thing that matters now. The only person I care about now is him.

Can I ever stop with this kind of ideas at some point? I hope not.

While I move around my room, suddenly I have a sick need to put in place the things that I was occupying all day long here, I hear him singing different songs, all of them make me feel flushed and with the widest smile of all implanted in my face.

 _True Colors_ by Cyndi Lauper, _Arms_ by Christina Perri, _By Your Side_ by Tokio Hotel, _I Want to Know What Love Is_ by _Foreigner_ , _More Than Words_ by Sting, all of them being sung to me. I didn't think he knew all those songs, because I refuse to believe that he learned them just for this.

In the middle of _More Than Words_ I go back up to the bed, leaving aside the box which contains the present that I wanted to give him until Christmas day, I slid my arms around his shoulders and down to his chest, I surround him and I let that a sigh collides with the back of his neck, causing his voice to tremble slightly at the same while I smile for it.

He stops and places my left hand over his while again he puts it on the fretboard, my right finds his in its own and so I notice how difficult it is to move the fingers on both the frets and over the strings to keep a tune as perfect as the one that I'm hearing now.

I place my chin on his shoulder and sing with him, for that his voice is filled with a little of joy while it also becomes louder. If it wasn't for the blizzard outside then the neighbors would probably be listening to the show that can bring our voices to be together.

I can't stop thinking about how good I feel when I'm with him, to hear him sing, when he talks to me about irrelevant things in the hallways, in the moments when he takes my hand and kisses my cheeks, when he lets me jump on his back and we walk for hours in the streets, when I can sleep between his arms or he in mine, all that and more.

I'm just completely in love with Spencer, although I show it to him in a weird way.

"That was a real surprise" I say in a sweet tone against his neck, I move my hands to his stomach and he gets tense.

"You deserve all I can offer" he leaves his guitar on the floor and turns suddenly, taking me by the shoulders and pushing me slowly so now I'm with my back completely on the mattress.

He goes back up over my lap, he hadn't done it since that day I went to meet his parents, his hands cups my face and he makes me to get up, the slow caresses on my cheekbones arouses a smile, but before anything can happen I put my present in front of my nose.

"Merry almost-Christmas, Spens" he lets go a long breath and takes it, his fingers entwines with mine slightly before he takes the package away.

"I don't know if our minds are kind of coordinated or what but I have something for you too".

He gets up and goes back into his place almost at the same moment, he kisses me on the cheek before giving me a small box. Before doing anything I wait that the opens his gift, and I'm finally giving him something for everything he has given me; I'm sure that is not the kind of answer he's looking for.

While he's dedicated to get rid of the package I get to think about why I react in that way when he's around, I wonder why I have to find a way to tout all his attempts.

Some part of me could say that it's the fact that I'm not used to having this kind of attitudes with a guy and that everything is totally new to me, but the truth is I'm just scared.

I'm scared because it would be the first kiss that I give to a guy, the one who has made me feel like the most important person that can exist in the universe at the same time that he makes me feel just in the same way in all respects as the first time when I was about to kiss a girl, just as nervous and scared to believe that my nose would collide against one of his eyes or that it simply could not be something important or relevant.

I get out of my reverie when I hear his expression of complete surprise, he even begins to make small hops over my lap, something that does nothing more but cause me chills and that I bite my lower lip with a little aggression for the kind of ideas in my mind right now.

"The anniversary jacket of the Ravens?" his voice rises in pitch with each word as I can only imagine the raised eyebrow he should have right now, but that's immediately erased when he goes back to take small jumps. "I've tried to get in almost everywhere in the whole universe! I can't believe it!".

"I had the small idea that you would like it".

"I love it!" I leave the little box that he gave me aside and get up just how much it's needed to hear him wearing the gift that I just give him; the friction of his body with mine makes me to almost drop a small groan. "And it fits perfectly. You're the best, Mace".

«No, I'm not. I'm one of the worst people in the world».

He leans in to kiss me on the forehead, his arms surrounds my head and I'm caught against his chest, something that for nothing is unwelcome. I hug him when I hear him sighing again, his hands gets deep into my hair and right now I know that I'm really acting like an idiot, again, to be afraid to do something that both uf us are yearning to do.

"Now it's your turn" he whispers while kissing me on the head while handing me the box. "Merry almost-Christmas, Mace".

I smile to him while he moves off from my lap, he sits next to me while I open the box in a slightly very desperate way, the paper that surrounds it disappears in matter of a few seconds, and the ribbon that also adorns it now I place it on my hair while I finish up discovering what's inside.

When I remove the cover and put my hand inside I can feel that a sudden chill comes over me, something that couldn't be compared if the window was open. I think it's a small state of panic as I realize that I'm touching at the only one thing that 'fights against me' for the love of Spencer.

"B-Booky…?" I say, running out of breath.

To make sure I really have his teddy bear in my hands the tips of my fingers moves over each one of his features, starting from the soft cheeks, going through his plush body, the bowtie that feels somewhat differently than I can remember it and down to his small paws.

"Yes, Booky" he lets out a small sigh and one of his hands finds mine to entwine our fingers. "He's now yours".

I stroke one of the cheeks of the little bear with the back of my fingers once more, I shake him a little and until now I realize that in the beanie that's decorating his head there's a small sleighbell. I guide him towards my face and his plastic nose rests against mine, for some strange and weird reason I give him a little kiss and one last smile, I also perceive the slight scent of the cologne that Spens uses occasionally, but everything stops before the time of reality to wildly come over me, so suddenly that I feel a little dizzy.

"No" I say no more, I extend my hand that's holding Booky and purse my eyebrows a little, worried at the same time that I feel completely flattered. "I can't keep him".

"Mace, you can't return a present, it's not polite" he pushes my hand, closing his fingers over mine for me to cling to Booky.

"No, Spens, I can't".

"Oh come on, I know that he's a teddy bear and all of that, but it's something that comes from me to you, you can't refuse him" I try to reach out but the strength that exceeds in heaps mine that he owns prevents me to.

"Spens…".

"Mace, keep him".

"Spencer, stop it, I can't…" I clench my jaw and force my voice to not sound annoyed. "This is too much, I don't think…".

"Now he's yours, and I will not…".

"I said no, Spencer!" I raise my voice and for a moment I can imagine his expression of complete surprise. It's the first time in all the time we have being together when I raise my voice, but I don't do it for some kind of anger, this is another of my strange ways of escape.

We stay completely quiet, the worst silence that may be at times like these. It's assumed that everything is happiness since we're doing our exchange of gifts, but as usual I always have to find a way to screw it up, and right now I feel that I'm winning a championship.

"W-why you don't want him…?" his hand takes mine over the paw of Booky, ready to take him away, but that's what can be least relevant right now. His voice broke on the question.

"Oh, Spencer, no, no, it's not what you think" I move randomly my hands on the mattress in a so desperate way until I find one of his own, I try to entwine our fingers but it's the first time that he doesn't want me to, even it seems that he doesn't want me to keep touching him. "I can't accept him because he makes you happy".

"So do you, and you make it mostly…" his voice trembles.

"But he had made you happy for years, I've done it too but just for a couple of weeks".

"And those were the best weeks of my life, because I could be with you during all that time".

I run out of a concrete response, or something that makes me want to give him back his most precious object. Now he has turned me his most precious object, in his most important person, and I don't have a symbolic way to be reciprocated with him.

Only one comes to my head, and it's the one of which I've been running away the most, so I give a little hug to the teddy bear and put it between us before taking him by the shoulders and put myself 'face to face' with him, his hands wanders my lower back and that could almost make me purr because I love him having that kind of contact with me.

My desires to know his face and all the expressions that he makes when he deals with me now are increasing in intensity.

"I don't care about Booky, all I care about now is you".

I caress his cheeks as a blush comes to my face with another goofy grin, but now it isn't something that feels completely pleasant, not even being on his lap I feel comfortable.

He moves my hands away, he cups my cheeks and slowly leans towards me, and just when I can feel his breathing tickling my lips I move my head a little to the right, getting that kiss on the cheek. Obviously I notice that he gets tense, and I can almost feel punched in the stomach. And I can feel another blow that he just received in the pride.

"And this is also there" he growls with frustration, I'm about to move off from his lap when his hands are placed on my waist. "There are so many questions in my head so I'll just do them: did I do something wrong? Does my breath smell bad? You hate me for what I did to you? You're not comfortable with this…?" he takes a deep breath that comes out in a breathy sigh. My soul dies for listening him like that, for my fault; again, "you don't love me…?".

"No, no, Spens, don't ever say that again" I say defensively while I lean his forehead against mine, "of course I love you, I never loved someone in this very own way before" I'm speechless right there, as often it happens when I see myself caught in situations like this. "It's just that…" I ramble again, thinking of ways to not sound so stupid. I can't think in one at all. "You'll laugh if I tell you, I'm sure you will".

"I've been wanting to kiss you since the very beginning, but if you don't say it then I will not know how to respond to it" he snaps out, his voice sounds just a bit calmer, I hear he's still hurt by my nonsenses.

I breathe wearily as I figured that this is the longest night that can exist in the universe, but the universe is precisely the one who has made Madison to continue doing who knows what in the ball and that mom and dad continue doing who knows what before coming back home.

It's a sign, and I'll act on it.

"I had a dream that day when you sang to me in the auditorium" he sighs while his hands moves back to my lower back, moving in little and slow circles, "in that dream there was a kind of talk between us, which for some reason had sleeping pills involved, in which in the end we discussed what was there living between us".

This is completely getting out of my control and from all the standards of consistency in which a dream can stop losing its meaning, and I'm talking about a dream, dammit. What's wrong with me?

"Out of nowhere you took my face and kissed me, and it was the best kiss I could have get from anyone" his hands remain still for a moment but then he continues with his circles, I contain the purr again. "Then your hands slipped into my shirt and your lips ventured into my collarbone, and a start made me wake up from the best sleep in the world".

His hands stop just when he hears 'slipped in my shirt' like if I had expected the move he would do, then he stays quiet and, if I hadn't his body beneath mine, I would think he run away and left me here talking with my friend the darkness, with the blizzard outside and with the most precious object that he could have lying right next to me, motionless because he is a teddy bear. To what extent I will come to think that I can be surrounded by that kind of things and interact with them.

"To what I mean is that I…".

"You think that if it happens then you'll wake up from a dream".

«I couldn't have said it better, and damn that still sounds like the stupidest thing in the world».

We stay still for a moment, I can barely hear his breathing. I raise my head up just a little, I guess it may have to be in there, hanging, waiting for me to take the right decision about something that had to be happening from the very start, just like he said it. He wanted me to surprise him, like mom said, and I think that what I have in mind gives a partially special meaning to the whole situation that has me so scared.

Not anymore.

"I'm not going to deny that it sounds like complete nonsense, but as long as you feel comfortable with what you do then I think I can live a little longer with this situation".

His altruism is just completely stupid, he can't keep going with this because I also can no longer bear the fact that we couldn't have our first real kiss, the pressures of his lips at the corners of mines or in my cheeks, like the ones that I do to his, they are samples, but they're just simple samples, and we can't function in that way.

"Turn on the TV, I want to cuddle with you".

"Gladly".

He does so and surf-changes on the channels a few times until I can hear the end of _The Polar Express_ , just before the credits begin he changes the channels again and _The Nightmare Before Christmas_ is starting out, I can't help but smile to hear about my favorite movie.

Spens drops down on his back, without departing from me for even a little second, my head falls exactly on the dividing line between his pecs, I move the tips of my fingers over his chest while his are barely moving on my back, we sing a few verses of the title track while I close my eyes with a little tiredness over me. In my imagination some images are produced, but everything that is now getting produced in my head has become a little fuzzy and lacking of the color that it should have, like the blue sky on a clear day or the color of the uniform of the cheerleaders squad.

I don't like anything of that at all.

While he watches the television his hands moves to my hair, his indexes move in the bulging part of my skull, which causes me to tense my jaw and my hands now rest on his muscles.

"I wish that there were a way to give you something more so you can restore your sight".

I shrug my shoulders because now I feel like if I had been punched straight in the pride, or rather like if the idiot Mason had been punched in the pride. My real self is now falling in a debate between taking a way of avoidance or just let myself to act over what's making my heartbeat to get so accelerated and on what the warmth in my cheeks is telling me.

I let the old and true Mason to take the control over my actions, I find the TV remote control and press the sound off, I move to put myself on his lap again while he settles to be sitting. I place his nose rubbing against mine and I assure myself to be smiling in the broadest way that can exist in the world while my fingers are moving on his cheeks, and the smile is matched with the same amplitude level that I give him.

"You've given me so many things…".

"That doesn't matter, Mace, I want…" I place a finger on his lips, he nods slightly and I keep stroking his cheeks again.

"You've given me so many things, and feel that I haven't given everything for my part to you so far, so in addition to the jacket the other gift that I have for you is hanging over us".

He makes a sound of confusion with his throat, I feel that he raises an eyebrow and purses his lips before lifting his head slowly, moment at which a small gasp comes out of my throat. It's time, I can't keep prolonging this anymore, he deserves whatever that I can offer from now on.

"Wait, is that a mistletoe?".

"Yes, it is" the advantage of having my fingers tracing circles on his cheeks is that I can just hold them, make him to get his head down and do nothing more than to lean forward.

The first moment when his lips are in direct contact with mine takes the breath away from both of us, the feeling is just so smooth and so warmly surprisingly that I breathe out a sigh at the same time as he does, I guess it's the answer to my so sudden act. The two of us take a really deep breath and then we tilt our heads just a little to the right, I close my eyelids very slowly when one of his hands travels to my right cheek and his thumb strokes my cheekbone, bringing back the blush and the goosebumps.

My pulse quickens like never before, my thoughts stirs just like the words, a pleasant feeling comes over my stomach and all over my body, it runs wildly over my back and gets distributed to every corner of my being. Again it's like if everything had gone and the only ones remaining were just he and me.

Sadly this isn't my first kiss, but the way in which his hand now moves away from my cheek and then both move to start tracing slow circles on my back, the desperate way in which I cling to his cheeks, the way he returns me the kiss with soft and, to some extent, trembling pressures are just making me feel that this is the first kiss that I really give to someone who's really interested in me, the person from whom I feel completely loved and with whom I want to spend the best moments of my life.

His lips have a slight taste of cinnamon, due to mom's drinking stuff that's happening now to become in my favorite thing, they are so damn smooth that they seem like a couple of pieces of silk dancing over mine. His tongue decides to take participation in this and it tremblingly crosses over my lower lip, taking a small growl in its way, he does so in a way so shy and so light that I could swear that I'm also his first kiss.

I open my mouth slightly and my tongue also comes out just a little, but we don't fall into the wild and exciting struggle for dominance. No, just the tip of his touches and plays with mine before our lips meet again, then we go back to do it again. Then another one. Then another. One more time. Two. Five. Ten times. I stop counting and focus myself to feel.

He pushes me and I lay down on my back, without splitting for even a millimeter, we breathe the air that the other exhales, over my spine runs down the most pleasurable sensation in the whole world, which arises from being able to be doing this sort of things with who now owns my thoughts and my affections. His hands go down my chest and slides under my shirt, they place on my waist and he begins to caress the iliac bones with his thumbs, if he wasn't doing that I would still feel that they are too prominent and are everything but not attractive at all. Spens makes me feel sexy again, that if I ever was.

I had in mind that he would be rude and a little aggressive with this thing of not have kissed me before, but he's slow and gentle, he sighs at the same time as me and he takes deep breaths like mine because I simply don't want this moment to be over at some point, everything that bursts inside me now can't be described with words, only my actions are talking.

He takes my lower lip between his teeth, he gives it a small bite before pulling and releasing it. I let out a groan from the deeps of my throat while I move my hands behind his neck and stroke his nape with my thumbs, I take my turn to bite his lower lip and he groans in a louder way that I did. We alternate between bites and rubs with the tips of our tongues while we're breathing heavily, my body is expressing with complete freedom and without my permission, but the friction of his being against my hips doesn't make me feel so ashamed.

When he begins to finally move away I feel separated from everything that makes me happy, but at the same time I can feel that a thorough feeling comes over me, the hours I thought it took us to do that were probably just a couple of minutes, my minutes the paradise.

"The best… almost-Christmas present… of a lifetime…" I open my eyelids, I don't know why I had the stupid idea that that kiss could make me see at least blurred silhouettes.

"And you have… the worst boyfriend… of a lifetime…" he kisses me on the lips, just a little pressure, enough to take my breath away. I have the slightest idea that this kind of actions will be more recurrent than I might expect.

"We'll do a little exercise here to get that out of your head. Repeat after me" he takes my chin and makes me to tilt my head slightly to the right, his lips places on mine, without kissing me, and I don't think I can get back to feeling so desperate for a kiss. Now I can't stop. "I'm…".

"I'm…" I whisper with a small giggle as I feel his lips barely caressing mine with the words.

"… your…".

"… your…".

"… boyfriend" he growls against my lips, the little gasp is inevitable because his deep voice is terrifying at the same time it's sexy.

"… boyfriend" I whisper, feeling a sweltering heat throughout my body to be able to say it aloud. "I'm your boyfriend" I say, to corroborate.

"And I'm yours, Mace. We must focus on what will happen from now on, okay?".

"Deal".

He smiles, and before I can push forward to end up with this little game of whispers and also with the space between us the clock on my nightstand table notifies the time shift with two short beeps; it's midnight. I'm ninety percent sure that mom, dad and Madison are already at home, but they're as quiet as a tax increase that I would almost think right now that I live just in the company of Spens.

"Mace, it's officially Christmas Eve, you know what you want as a present?".

I get up on my elbows and make the tip of his nose to meet mine, I give him an Eskimo kiss before kissing him in the right way on the lips, earning a sigh and a smile as I depart.

Another moment of reality comes to me, one of those terrible slaps in the face that life enjoys giving me.

"There's only one thing I wish to have, more than anything in the whole universe".

"It's yours to simply say it" his nose touches mine and I kiss him on the lips as I force a smile to appear on my face. I'm just more than happy for this moment that just happened, but my greatest wish is simply something that prevents it to be entirely.

"I want to know how you are, in real life".

"What do you mean?" he asks without hesitation and with genuine confusion. He slides his hands under my body and he makes us roll on the mattress, I put my hands on his shoulders and approach to whisper over his lips.

"That, Spens, I have no idea how you look like physically speaking, I don't have the slightest idea of how your face looks like and I never before could see it, not even once in the hallways…" I release a sigh of longing and close my eyelids strongly to not release the tears that are threatening to come out, "that's all that I want".

"But you had saw me…".

"Once upon a dream?" I say, and although it's not the best joke he laughs.

"No silly, and right now you remember me the hatred that I have against Aurora, but not to the Disney version one, I hate the _Once Upon a Time_ version, and I will not give explanations about why I watch that, but I hate her because…".

"I've never seen that show before".

"That can be solved, but we were in that you had seen me before twice actually".

He describes me the only two occasions when I've seen him, and I didn't think that he had that kind of memory for so completely insignificant events. The first occasion was on our first day of school, the first of all, I was so mired in a intense conversation with Madison about our desire to become cheerleaders that when we folded in a hallway I crashed directly against him, he managed to hold my arm to keep me from falling down straight to the floor. Madi told him a couple of insults about his clumsiness, but I remember that Spencer gave me a little smile and then he left without another word. If it's true then I can remember the clarity of his eyes, his confident smile, I remember a cute guy and not so athletic, and I also remember a vague desire to find him later.

On the second occasion my desire to find him again was fulfilled when he handed me a small booklet filled with notes that I forgot in a classroom, he accompanied me to my locker and we we're exchanging some comments about our new teams (the Titans and the Cheerios squad) before the bell for the change of classes interrupted us, and I'm not sure if it's something made up inside my imagination the request that my cheering was especially dedicated to him during the first game of all. And I don't remember if I did so.

It was my imagination or not I lean to kiss him, his hands are placed on my waist and mine on his cheeks, I kiss him with full need to feeling his lips on mine and have him completely close to me, I'm giving him a little of everything I've been taking away from him, and it doesn't seem that he wants to stop in the next couple of millennia.

"I'm in love with you, Spens".

"Good" he cups my cheek and kisses me on the lips, he's slightly biting my lower lip and I shrug when both of us let out a little giggle. "Because I'm also in love with you".

"Then I already have my present" his nose moves over mine before he gives me a kiss.

"And now we're gonna have our first marathon in Netflix until you learn to hate Aurora almost as much as I do, I'll describe each of the scenes if it's necessary until you understand it".

"Fine, but before anything else can happen…"

I don't finish the sentence because I find myself again with his lips, he sighs again against my face and now we become a mess of limbs, pressures on the lips, light bites, stupid laughs and wide grins, but in a little twist to all of this I achieve to catch his tongue between my lips, I make a small suction that takes him by complete surprise because he moves in a strange way, between surprised at the same time he's scared, and he decides to play the same way with me and I move under him exactly in the same weird way, but the difference is that I add to it a startle.

"That was a dirty trick…" he gasps and the shadow of a kiss appears on my lips, "so now you have to compensate it with more episodes".

I nod with a rush of energy, he moves on the mattress so that his head is on my pillows and mine is back over his chest, I hug his body and his hands starts playing with my hair while I hear that the show begins, I close my eyelids while he begins to describe with every detail from the very beginning and everything that happens in that marriage, what happens while everything starts to spiral out of their control and they reach the current time.

His voice begins to become heavier, he yawns occasionally and he keeps doing so even more until there comes a point at which his breathing encompasses too much, that signal to know that he's already completely asleep. I turn off the TV while I move up a little and kiss him on the lips, I whisper that I love him and leave my head in his neck, getting completely intoxicated with the scent of his skin at midnight.

I find Booky and pull him close to us, I kiss him between his tiny ears and close my eyes, Spens arms moves while he babbles, he growls that he also loves me and that's when I join him in his dreams and in one of the best Christmas Eve's I have lived in my young age.

* * *

The cold air hits my cheeks even with a ski mask over my face, my nose is likely in the nearer point to absolute freezing while my hands are still shaking in my pockets.

The first day of school is always a greater feat for me, and even more after a few well-deserved days off.

When I arrive to the main door someone asks me to take off my ski mask and not use it again in all day long, like if I were some kind of terrorist or something like that, I take the cane out of my backpack and start walking as I realize that there are heat inside the building, so perhaps it's not entirely necessary to wear it again.

As I walk through the hallways I start to think about the level of seriousness that mom and dad are giving to what is between me and Spens. I mean, how many times a guy can spend the holidays with the family of his boyfriend, being invited by my parents obviously not giving me a clue about it? Indeed they are really evil, but I guess that I would have gone into a state of panic of having learned on my own.

The only thing that was bad about all this was the death of his grandmother, about two weeks ago. He came to my place, greeted my parents in the most cordial mode in the world and he immediately took me to my own room, he closed the door behind me, he wrapped his protective arms around me and let out all the tears which can result of the loss of a so close person. We spent most of the day locked up as he held me against his body and told me stories about the kind of woman she was, how she was one of the first people to accept him and how she was more than happy to know that he had found someone who would be there for him when she was no longer by his side.

I stretch out my hand as I let out a sigh, I'm wrong of locker but it's a fortunate thing that I put a small sign at the bottom of the door of mine, so I can find it two more lockers away on the right. I don't understand why Madison decided to let me go alone this morning, but I guess that having to plan a performance with Jane and Kitty has to play a too important role.

Among my mess of books and loose notes I find the little sheet of paper that I had planned to give him before going on holiday, but since I wasn't sure I could repeat it I preferred to keep it here, protected. I take out the photo that Madison gave me, one of many that was devoted to take in the Christmas party that she organized for the whole choir, and I can imagine the huge smile that I must have while I'm kissing Spens on the cheek, and she says the expression he does is so cute that it's impossible to have stemmed directly from him.

And speaking of the devil, his hands places on the straps of my backpack and he takes it off my back away slowly, then he puts them on my waist and his body completely close the mine, taking us back to that point where there can't be a dividing line between us, we can almost be one here.

"Good morning, Mace" he whispers in the back of my neck, I move my head to the right for his cheek to be able to find mine and I turn mine slightly to kiss his cheek.

"Good morning, Spens".

He moves away from me and leans in the lockers next to me, I can feel his eyes on each of my movements as if they were completely captivating, instead I start to think about the long nights we spent together watching his secret show, and it's something difficult for him to describe everything that happens without pausing it. But they are the best nights I can have.

"And… h-how are your parents?" if the death of his grandmother had a great impact on him in his parents it was even worse. Mom and dad recommended them the crisis intervention service from Dr. Watson. His heavy sigh don't tell me much about it.

"They're… fine, I guess. They go with Dr. Watson as suggested by your parents, and I see that they are much better because mom is not late at night crying anymore and dad is already back to work".

"And how are you?" I take a couple of books and close the door of my locker, he immediately takes them and he takes my hand and now we move towards his locker. He slips his arm around my shoulders and I put my head on it.

"Good, I also feel a little better" supposedly he should be taking the service too, but for reasons he doesn't want to tell me, and I honestly don't want to know them, we don't talk about it at all. When we get to his locker he puts the necessary combination to open it. "I mean that I'm getting used to the idea that the visits on weekends at her place are over and that I will not see her anymore. I think I'm getting over it".

I reach out and I meet myself with one of the sleeves of his jacket, I slid my hand up to his shoulder and I walk closer until I can hear his breathing in a slightly agitated manner. He's not getting over it in the least, and I shouldn't bring that wound to his life again.

"I'm here, okay?" he ruffles my hair and places his hand under my chin to make me look at his eyes, supposedly.

"I'm counting on it, I always will" I close my eyes, the kiss that I had in mind that would happen never comes, in fact he stops taking my chin and returns to his duty in his locker. Frustration is little to describe what has just emerged in me.

"Well, I didn't expect something like this" I say, crossing my arms while all the bystanders begin to again be part of the world. I don't remember pushing them away at some point.

"What are we talking about exactly?".

"Aren't you going to kiss me today?" I ask, like if it were the most obvious thing of the universe, but hearing him hesitant strikes me that perhaps he wasn't planning to do so, or at least not here.

"I didn't think you wanted it, I thought that you wouldn't be completely cool with me doing something like that with all this being something new for you".

Again I have to clear up the things I'd said that I no longer want to keep up, and this one certainly is especially one of them. I have no fear about this kind of displays of affection, even if it involves that we receive some occasional insult, but either way I'm sure he would manage to avoid those words to make me feel bad or little easy.

I uncross my arms and slide against the door of his locker when he closes it, I smile broadly along with a movement of my eyebrows before stretching my back and feel his hands on my neck.

"So can I kiss you always that I want to?" his thumb draws a line on my lower lip, I cringe a little and loose a little chuckle when I can no longer walk backwards without the locker eating me.

"Yes, Spens, you can".

"Whenever I want to?" his hand cups my cheek now, I feel that blush more and more each second while I also feel that the warmth of his body increases over mine. I'm sure that my knees would be trembling if I could see the blue of his eyes so close to my green ones.

"Yeah, anytime".

His nose plays over mine, I let out a stupid laugh while I'm listening to a few whispers when they walk passing by that are confirming that we're something, that we're actually dating, and, just like Kitty surely did, they get the money of some bets.

"Can I kiss you here? Now?" his two hands are now cupping my face, I move my hands down all the length of his strong arms until I entwine them behind his neck.

"Yeah, do it".

Time stops when his lips meet mine, he merely tilts his head slightly to the right and moves a bit forward. I move my hands to cup his cheeks and my books, which I was holding with my knees, now fall helplessly to the floor when they start to tremble. Each portion of my skin is now having chills when his tongue slides a little on my lower lip, everything around me becomes ephemeral when small bites and growls are becoming part of this.

I don't know how I'd feel right now if I were lifted and placed against the locker that keeps me connected with this world.

"Did I already tell you that I love you?" he firms his grip around my waist, his forehead is placed on mine. He stops our little moment and his head sinks on my shoulder. I hug him tighter.

"I think you did about four thousand times, but one more wouldn't hurt".

He does so with a sigh before kissing me again, his hands stop doing contact with me and before I can do something to ask where they are they both slide up and behind my neck, something gets secured in the back of it, then his palms slides down over my chest and damn that felt so good, but I can't let go little moans in the middle of the hallway.

When he moves away I instinctively slide my right hand on my neck, I find a small leather cord at the end I can feel a flawless and smooth stone with a small letter typed in braille, his letter, an _S_.

"I have one that matches, with your letter" he takes my left hand and puts it in his shirt over the top, immediately I can read the little letter with the tip of my index finger while I let out a long sigh. "With this I want to seal a promise with you" he hesitates a little while he cups my cheeks, "no matter what or who you're going to be mine and I'll be yours. I swear and promise that I will never disappoint you, if at any time I do so then I'll have to remedy it somehow and like never before. You chose me for some reason and I'll make that reason to remain being why you smile and also are blushing every time we're together, or that it be the same reason why you go back to being warm, friendly and everything you've always been with everyone else. You're the most important person in my life now. Mace, I love you, and I want you to promise me that we'll be made for each other from now on, you promise it?".

I laugh a little nervously as I lean to his lips for them to cease forming so many words and they move at the pace we've never practiced before but we know that we need to have. Every time his lips touches mine it makes me think of so many things… I was avoiding all of this because I didn't want to feel that thing of being in love? I didn't want to accept this part of me, the one that likes Spens? How many times does a person can sigh in a small morning before school even starts? Are we made for each other?

There will be answers later, for now I focus on smiling while he's still holding me by the waist and his lips keeps moving on mine, the talks around are alternating between becoming a fact and speculate/criticize about what we're doing in the middle of the hallway, but the less Spens feels that I try to establish some kind of boundaries between us is much better, because I don't want to miss any of this for things that I said before and that I don't want to continue to have standing.

"I promise".

We join in a hug, my head is facing his neck like his to mine, I close my eyelids when I hear him mumbling the lullaby that I'm used to hum for him when he's felling sad. I really hope that this is not understood in ways of weakness against everyone else in here, and that from now on the guys on the team will think he's weak and all that stupid stuff, but I guess that I'm really making him to stop feeling that he has to be a strong guy and that is not bad to show this emotional side occasionally.

His head moves so in that way, with our hug, he kisses me, but at this very moment someone decides to get my attention poking at my side. I don't give importance to it and focus on Spens.

"Why, look at this" Spens growls and I was about to slightly bite his lower lip, however I split away and put my head on his shoulder to try to glare at Kitty with my hollow look. "Finally I see you two chewing each other's faces".

"Ah… yeah?" I ask, completely sure at the same time that she must be talking to Madison or anyone else in the squad, Spens hand becomes firm in my lower back.

"Yes, we are, or rather we were. Are you done?".

"Easy there, Gay Boy, I just wanted to come to say that I'm really happy for you".

"You can't feel happiness about anything, you're Kitty Wilde".

"But she can" says the new voice to which she was talking, which happens to be Madison. "She's happy about many things".

"Tell me ten" says Spens, daring them. I hit him in the chest to stop behaving like that at least with my sister, to Kitty he can say whatever he wants.

"Nah, we're not talking about me here" Kitty growls, I'm sure she's about to insult Spencer, "and if so then I don't think that someone like you could say anything of it because…".

"Alright then, I'll stop this right here because I remind you that we're all very good friends, also that I want every single one of you in the auditorium at the end of the day because I'll give a performance that could make us win Sectionals again".

"Are you going to perform?" asks all three of them at the same time, and equally surprised.

"Yes, remember that I did nothing in the latest weekly assignment so I want to compensate it".

They begin to talk about the songs they're planning to do, and between that Spencer complains with me because I didn't say anything about it and he wanted to do a number with me. I didn't do a number with him because the whole idea came to me in one of those attempts to sleep, in another one of those times when he was an emotional dilemma with everything that happened to him, so I preferred not to shed the stress of a whole performance over him. Thanks to him there are songs in my heart again, and he has to know it.

The conversation then turns to what we did on vacation, which I'm sure has been discussed in countless times on phone calls or text messages; for me spending time with Spens was all I did on vacation, being there in good and bad times and all that.

"And when will you admit it?" I say out of nowhere when Spencer and I are dedicated to just listen.

"Admit what?" Kitty asks, using a tone of partial indignation.

"You know, that there's something between you two".

Everything is silent, even the people next to us stop and begin to murmur. Control of impulses of idiocy, I have to write that down on a list of priorities that I will not re-read in a lifetime, but it's simply the knowledge that there's something there but that they will not admit what I find somehow annoying, that because Madison hasn't told me anything about it being that I was an open book when it was the same with me.

"The fact that we're best friends doesn't mean that there has to be something that means that we want to get rid of the panties of the other one with our teeth, right Madison?".

"Yes, it's correct. None of that, I swear".

The inner psychic voice of my sister says all the opposite, it's asking for help on some way to things she's being obliged to say, like I did when I was in the same crossroads over Spens.

Before I can speak the bell for the beginning of class ends up with this more than tense moment. Kitty and Madison are the first on going away while Spens splits our hug, he raises my books up and he starts walking while I remain firmly standing in front of his locker, playing with the straps of my backpack and 'watching' the floor below me.

"What's up?" he asks in a slow, soft voice, it almost makes me want to regret what I want to ask but it's something I want to do because we didn't have done so in a while, or at least not here.

"Will you hold my hand?" I raise my head at the right and exact time when his forehead places over mine, he entwines the fingers of his left hand with my right one and he sighs. "I would like to walk so from now on, so I no longer would need the cane".

"So you're using me?" I kiss him on the cheek and then on the lips.

"Nope, I just want to walk with my boyfriend like this from now on".

He moves his head to give me a little kiss on the lips and he pulls me to move when I listen to a teacher telling us that we get to class as soon as we can to avoid detention.

When Spens lets me inside the Geography classroom and gives me one last kiss on the right temple before leaving then comes to me all the preparations that I have made in my head so the moment will be perfect, for him to know everything that's in my head thanks to him; to give him a big surprise.

I can't wait for the end of the day.

* * *

The only advantage that I can find about being kicked out of the squad is that I can do things like get ahead of the auditorium and get bossy with the guys in the band and with the stage lighting for the performance that I'm going to give in a few minutes when New Directions get all together in front of me. The assignment of the week again has a so stupid name, "New year, new me", but it's without a doubt something in which I can actually participate; many things has changed in this short vacations.

I stay in the little chair that I could get and move my foot with a little impatient while I listen to the instruments being tuned and tested, I hear the sound of the spotlights switching on and off to test that everything is in order. I just want everything to be blue, white and gray, although I will not be able to see those colors or any other in what rests of my lifetime.

I preferred not to disturb Spencer with the fact that yesterday I heard mom and dad in a busy call on the phone with a doctor (which I didn't know his existence) that shook off again the possibility of some kind of recovery of my sight since it was organic damage, or that's what I understood. Reflexively I take my right hand to my head and breathe a sigh.

It's not his fault, I will not blame him.

"We're sure that everything looks beyond great, Mason" says a girl whose name I completely forget, I get out of my thoughts and look up to where I think it's her voice.

"I'm sure that's it" I say with a smile.

The bell for the end of the day interrupts our conversation, some tension places on my shoulders while I stand and hear someone taking my seat while a girl brings me to the back of the curtain, I start walking in circles while a lot of questions are coming to me.

«What if the spotlights don't move the way I want them to? What if I lose my balance and fall? What if I bump into something in my way? What if I forget the lyrics of the song? What if Spencer hates this?», I try to forget those questions and swallow the lump that forms in my throat.

But that doesn't prevent me to stop and think a bit about serious things, like the fact that the time to begin to meditate in options for universities and all that is about to come, and Spencer has the ambition to become someone huge in the sport and a career, something that he has given me clues but we don't talk concisely about it. I guess that he have in mind that it will be difficult for me to adapt to an environment that is not at all likely to receive a student like me, although I suppose that I could devote myself to make some artistic things and those which doesn't involve too much movement if it is the case that my talent is big enough for that to be done.

I refuse to think about the time when we have to break-up to go to different places of the country, and I will not do something that makes him stay in this small, boring town. The more I can take advantage of everything I can live with him then all will be better.

"Are you ready, Mason?" Rachel asks, placing a hand over my shoulder. Without her help I guess this would be the fiasco that I think it would be.

"Yeah, I guess. I'm a little nervous, that's all".

"You're a star, Mason, don't let your brightness to get opaque with silly ideas. You have worked hard to prepare this assignment, so I did my best in everything to be how you want it".

I smile to her and she hugs me, until now I can notice how low at tallness she is. I confided her all of this because, even when her acting career sucks as hell, her talent as a performer on the Broadway stages means that she have too much experience in the field of the crowds, one that I had failed to get even in the camp with Madison.

She lets me go and walks whistling happily, I stay behind the curtain and I still think that this simply can't be a fiasco, but the plans don't always get along how they were contemplated in the first place, the wars in the worlds or the first attempts of Spencer to approach to me are telling so.

I hear the mumbles of New Directions when they enter while I also hear the laughter of Kitty and Madison that resonates all over the place, Rachel begins to give indications for them to stay in the front rows of seats and she places Spencer on the special spot in which I asked her to place him.

I didn't had lunch with him and neither spent time with him in the hallways during class changes, I had to ask Roderick and Alistair to keep him a little away from me, because I wanted that this right moment was the cornerstone to balance my now complete need for him with the surprises that I want to give him between now and I don't know when.

"Very well, let get this started" I pitch my ear to hear Rachel talking, she claps and receives applause reluctantly from the others as the curtain falls for someone to guide me to my exact position, behind the microphone and in the middle of the stage.

"Mason is not here" says Spencer with something of sadness in his voice, obvious sadness at me not being with him. «I'm right here, Spens», I say to myself.

"He will come soon, meanwhile I want to wish every one of you a happy start to the year. Kurt and I decided this assignment at the beginning of the school year because we thought it would be a great idea to express what you can expect in a grab bag of three hundred and sixty-five days, also that…".

While I listen to another of the very boring speeches from Rachel I can imagine how impatient Spencer should feel to know that I'm not around, but the big surprise that he will have when the curtain goes up and he see me singing to him one of my favorite songs.

I'm not pretty sure if it's normal that my feelings have that kind of such a high intensity, but I also put in the balance the kind of things that he has done and which I have done, and that I haven't done, and everything turns out that there will always be something to load more weight on his side of actions, while in mine there will always be a kind of lack.

"… and with no more to say for now, let's begin" Kurt says, and I hadn't noticed the change of voice.

"I insist, Mason is not here" Spencer growls, almost on the verge of strangling who places in front of him.

I snap the fingers of my right hand, the curtain begins to rise and, just how I had it planned, first there's nothing at all, but after three seconds a spotlight switches on and enlightens me, I can feel a slight increase of heat in the back of my neck.

"I'm here" I say with deep voice, which I don't know what kind of effect it may have on him because I have never whispered that way in his ear.

While a small uproar over the "originality" of my way to appear on the stage breaks loose I look up and I can almost be certain that I just met with the bright eyes of Spencer.

"You can hate me for not spending time with you, but not for what I'm gonna do, or I don't know" I chuckle while I widen a smile and ignore that everyone else is talking while I say to him my little introductive speech. "You wanted a surprise? Here you have it".

I snap my fingers once more, my signal since I can't see the band behind me, and immediately when I place my right hand over the microphone the sound of drums begins to rumble across the auditorium. I hold my grip on the microphone to not jump that high.

While they get to the part where I start singing I hear the cheers of each and every one of the members of New Directions. "You're the best Mason!", "that's it Blindy!", "go, go, go!", "I love you Buttercup!". Each and every one of those words encourage me to just smile and point in front of me, the exact place where Spencer is, watching all this.

 _Lookin' in your eyes_

 _I should see a paradise_

 _But this world that I found_

 _Is too good to be true_

 _Standin' here beside you_

 _Want so much to give you_

 _This love in my heart_

 _That I'm feelin' for you_

During every sentence I can feel how something explodes inside my chest, something that drives me to keep singing on each and every one of the things that take place in me with just having him around, and after enjoying so many so close and crazy moments I have no doubt that he is the one.

 _Let 'em say we're crazy_

 _I don't care 'bout that_

 _Put your hand in my hand_

 _Baby, don't ever look back_

 _Let the world around us_

 _Just fall apart_

 _Baby, we can make it_

 _If we're heart to heart_

I split the microphone away from its base and I move back and forth shakily, still feeling that I own the whole universe and that not even this stupid and silly accident will achieve that something changes between us.

 _And_ _ **we can build this**_ _dream together_

 _ **Standing strong forever**_

 _ **Nothing's gonna stop us now**_

 _ **And if this world runs out of lovers**_

 _ **We'll still have each other**_

 _ **Nothing's gonna stop us**_

 _ **Nothing's gonna stop us now**_ _(_ _Oh, whoa_ _)_

I was completely taken aback by the fact that his voice adds to mine at that moment, that surprise is increased before I can take a deep breath to keep going with my act because he appears from nowhere next to me, one of his fingers places on my lips, then he cups my cheek and caresses my right cheekbone before I can understand what he means.

 _I'm so glad I found you_

 _I'm not gonna lose you_

 _Whatever it takes_

 _I will stay here with you_

 _Take it to the good times_

 _See it through the bad times_

 _Whatever it takes_

 _Is what I'm gonna do_

His arm places on my shoulders, he pulls me completely close to him and this time, though I insist it's a gesture between friends, I can feel myself like that weird combination between a best friend and lover that many people would like to have but just a few can reach to have. He also chose me.

 _Let 'em say we're crazy_

 _What do they know_

 _Put your arms around me_

 _Baby, don't ever let go_

 _Let the world around us_

 _Just fall apart_

 _Baby, we can make it_

 _If we're heart to heart_

All New Directions are singing with us, the hold notes are prolonged with the help of every one of us, the tingle running down my back increases to hear that all of them want to be part of what I'm giving right here to Spencer. And all of these emotions are augmented with Spens being part of my life and everything I do from now on. No more barriers, no more misunderstandings, no more weird events, it's just us.

 _ **And we can build this dream together**_

 _ **Standing strong forever**_

 _ **Nothing's gonna stop us now**_

 _ **And if this world runs out of lovers**_

 _ **We'll still have each other**_

 _ **Nothing's gonna stop us**_

 _ **Nothing's gonna stop us now**_

He takes my hand and holds it with his that's holding the microphone, at that moment I forget about everything and I start to think about our here and now, in imagine the twinkle in his blue eyes and the smile that he's surely dedicating me as we continue with our amazing performance with just one microphone. All this is quite and simply perfect.

 _Ooh, all that I need is you_

 _All that I ever need_

 _And all that I want to do_

 _ **Is hold you forever, forever and ever,**_ _hey!_

During the guitar solo he moves to hug me, the protection and love that he can provide me with his arms it's so indescribable and unconditional that I don't want to get away from him ever, for any reason, not even knowing that the university theme will be involved and all that stuff. I want to stay with him, forever.

"I love you, Spens" I say, and I can't stop a single tear to slide down my cheek for all this.

"I love you, Mace".

We split away just at the right moment before taking the microphone and return to what we were doing, but before all that he wipes the tear that slipped and kisses me on the forehead, I smile in the broadest possible way and let everything to continue.

 _ **And we can build this dream together**_

 _ **Standing strong forever**_

 _ **Nothing's gonna stop us now**_

 _ **And if this world runs out of lovers**_

 _ **We'll still have each other**_

 _ **Nothing's gonna stop us**_

 _ **Nothing's gonna stop us now**_

The band ends with the instruments, I stop holding the microphone and grab him by the jacket to just kiss him on the lips, I'm surprised that I had tilt my head just enough to avoid hitting his nose. The curtain falls while his hands are placed on my back, mine now reach his waist and it's a change of posture strangely pleasant and interesting, the spotlight over us switches off and Spencer growls like never before, awakening my wild impulses to not let him go and just hold on to his waist, and fortunately the guys in the band are not seeing anything that's happening here.

I hear the applause from everyone in the audience while I feel something wet falling down my cheeks, but now it doesn't come from me. If I could see what's in front of me I'm sure that I would see Spens closed eyelids but I would also see the tears rolling down the sides, how he wrinkles his nose when he does that and another moment of vulnerability.

"Nobody had ever done that for me before" he whispers when he moves away just enough to talk over my lips. "I had never before felt someone so special to someone else".

"Spens, you're the most special person in my life now, and I will do something like this whenever I want to show you how much I love you".

Behind us I hear Rachel talking about how wonderful it was to witness this moment while the others agree with her, Kurt encourages the others to perform with their songs just as stunning and with the same emotional weight than I just did, but now I concentrate on the fact that Spencer it's being emotional and close to me, again.

"Well, that's a little sad" before I can say anything to object to that he puts his finger on my lips for then his does the same, he splits away after and cups my right cheek. "Because I stopped hearting you long time ago and now I have come to deeply love you. I love you, Mace, and I always be here for you".

I run out of breath for being able to finally hear those words, those three little words are also ways to describe exactly how intense my feelings for him are, and they also can be used to describe how much I refused to say them because that's a point in every loving relationship that comes after a long time and also with so many things in between.

I move my hands all the way up his back, I let the tip of his nose resting on mine and I move in circles, the slow dance that I took away from him to have that night when we had our first kiss, and now I'm compensating it by humming some fragments the song we just performed as the best duet that can be in the whole world while his head moves to the right and then to the front to join us in another kiss, this time I'm also the one who becomes a small sea of tears and overflowing emotions.

I'm a few seconds to admit that I found the love of my life, which has helped me to overcome with my new obstacles and who I know that will be there for my support in whether that are going to come. Maybe waking up is better after all, if I hadn't done so then probably now I would be six feet underground without ever having experienced what it was to be loved by another person than someone from my family.

I don't care if the world doesn't like if this are almost public confessions, or that they are relatively hasty with the little time we've had together, but it's the intensity of what I do, in the way in which I think and how I act like what I just can't meditate in the right way and that it can't neither be typecast in what is right and what is wrong.

"You're the love of my life, Spens. I love you" I kiss him again, admitting that I'm also the love of his life, completely healing my soul with his affection, forcing to my old self to be welcomed back with one of the most loving persons that I've ever met, settling up some new things with his actions and especially making me feel like the most special person that can be in the world with his love.

I give him the little note along with the photo that was in my back pocket all day long, we both care just so very little that everyone starts moving to prepare the next performance when he decides to start reading it. I remain motionless until he hugs me from behind, taking my right hand and making my index finger to start slipping on what I could write, and I almost feel ashamed to read it again **: you've probably heard the phrase 'live each day as if it was the last of them' (or something like that), that's why I've shown somehow accelerated about my feelings for you, I feel that we gave strides when we should give steps a little smaller, when I entered in cleverness I realized that maybe I wasn't giving all of me on this (as I told you in a couple of times), but I don't think that you can blame me for that, not after… well, you know… (and no, Spens, I'm not blaming you for what happened. Never again)**.

The soft and delicate way in which he makes me turn on my heels to kiss me after we finish reading, how his hands are entwined in my lower back and how he lets me to place my hands on his waist at the same time when we sigh and when I can almost swear that we close our eyelids at the same time are completely different from how they felt before we using those such strong words to describe how we feel about each other.

My future is uncertain now, full of blank pages and events that no one can foresee, just like all the people, but as long as I have him beside me there's nothing more I can ask for.

* * *

 _ **THE END**_


End file.
